And so the regular season ends… T’was fun, in a strange and twisted way.
Da Fury come out of the woodwork to give the Miracles a poke in the eye (108 v 107)
– This was the battle of the mega-streak losers, so there was always the expectation that one of them would get back into the winner’s circle. The Fury, in a so-so display of mediocrity, got to add one final injury to the falling great man – a fifth consecutive loss for the Miracles to close out the season.
– This last gasp win for the Fury lands them in 5th spot for the regular season – something that sounds great, but actually lines them up against the 8th placed (and pissed off) Giallorossi. For this triumph over the Miracles, the incredible win of the 49-ers over the Cards came into play, with Frank “s’mores” Gore (177 yards, TD) a key factor in both matchups. The Fury now find themselves fighting out the Snuggle Bowl against the league’s #3 point scorer…
– The Miracles – crazy like a fox, or surrounded by hounds and stuck in a tree? Despite having three defenses on the roster (interesting concept, BTW), a few bad choices were made, and points-in-the-hand simply didn’t make it to points-on-the-board. Even the 196 yards and 2 TDs from Andre “might be a giant” Johnson wasn’t enough. The Miracles use their larger overall point score to nab 2nd place for the season, and now must face off against their nemesis in Round One of the Main Event.
The last battle of the season turns into a turkey shoot, Gnomes with guns, Thunder with feathers (104 v 63)
– It was the last matchup that mattered – at stake was the last spot in the Main Event. The Gnomes stepped it up and came out with both guns blazing. Thunder either thought it was dress-like-a-turkey day, or secretly wanted to be in the Snuggle Bowl. The result was a blood-bath…
– When you go turkey shooting, having multiple guns is optional – but only if you happens to have some kind of Gatling gun. The Gnomes brought along Chris “rotating barrel” Johnson (186 yards, 2 TDs) – and no additional firepower was needed. This win takes them into the Main Event, lined up against the top dog Squad. Can they reload in time?
– Thunderball’s slide from the top 4 was notable for many things – firing blanks from a RB spot (injury), a total of 6 yards from a WR (mostly injured), and a no-FG performance from a K (team sucked). This loss drops him to 6th for the season, and a place in the middle of the Snuggle Bowl. Perhaps lining up the Slumpers, instead of the Italian Stallions, in the first round of this season ender will turn out to be a good move…
The Tromps take off and take out the league leader, but are immediately grounded by the FAA (96 v 92)
– The last round of the season and the Tromps were playing for pride. Seems like winning when almost nothing is on the line is a skill-set ALL the bottom teams have, as this win made no difference to the league position of the Tromps or the team they beat – a lackadaisical Practice Squad. It’s sad when you’re best efforts lead to a net result of nought.
– Le Trompe-loeil, the team with the most complex name since, well, ever, just had one of those seasons where most weeks were spent wincing from the score. This fine performance at the tail end of the season means that this, their last coverage of the year, is a good one. By far their greatest asset, Adrian “yes, that chick from Rocky” Peterson (137 yards, 2 TDs), came through again for the Tromps. The problem has always been assistance from others. The Tromps can now hang out, think about existentialism, and wait until next year.
– Backing into anything – a fire hydrant, a cop car, Mike Tyson – is a bad thing. Backing into the finals of the Main Event is no exception. Luckily for the Squad, all the top-3 teams did exactly that, so the Squad’s position on top of the table was not compromised. Top scorer, and a much-needed resource for the finals to come, was Matty “not so fatty” Schaub (363 yards, 2 TDs, INT), with bottom scorer being Randy “sorry, gathered some” Moss (16 yards, FUM). The Squad will need their game face on against the Gnomes in the first round next week…
Giallorossi grasps 8th spot with an emphatic win over the Slumpers (117 v 82)
– The Italians are a feisty lot – they love their wine, their ouzo, and their tight ends. Needing a win to ensure a place in the Snuggle Bowl, Giallorossi brought all of this to bear, while the playing-for-nothing Sophomores just kind of kicked back and watched it all happen.
– When you’re looking for a win, points from a position a little outside the norm is appreciated. This week the TE from Indy – Dallas “does Denver” Clark (43 yards, 3 TDs) – provided that burst of points needed for the win. While finishing 8th on the table with 3rd highest point total might drive some players to drink, I suspect it has made Dougy a teetotaler, and set up Da Fury for some serious spankage this weekend. Can the cursed get all the way up to 5th, and win himself a Snuggle in the process…?
– The Slumpers’ win from last week guaranteed them a place in the Snuggle Bowl, so you can perhaps give them some leeway for taking this one easy. With only two players in double-digits, however, they may have taken their “lay week” a little too far. Regardless, they get to go mano-a-mano with the free-falling Thunderball next week, and continued contributions from “Whinny the” Drew Brees (294 yards, 3 TDs) will be needed.
Futility, thy name is Lemming (106 v 58)
– The Lemmings – arguably more cruelly treated than the Italians – finally get to hold their fuzzy faces high on a Tuesday morning. A dominating win over the form team of the second-half of the season always feels good, even if it means absolutely nothing. The GotaBeats, after FINALLY getting above their arch-enemy in the standings, somehow manage to lose big enough to drop below them again for the end of the season. Still, 2nd and 3rd are effectively equivalent in the Main Event, so their ENTIRE REASON FOR EXISTENCE comes down to this next week (no pressure). Can anyone else hear “Eye of the Tiger” starting up?
– For those of you who have never done it, finishing dead last is kind of sucky. There’s no one to point to and say “at least I’m not them”. Even getting the 5th spot overall in points doesn’t help, it just highlights the futility of it all. As I take my ball home for a little cry, at least I get to take some players out of the available depth pool with me – maybe you’ll miss Brandon “trouble no more” Marshall (200 yards, 2 TDs). Maybe you won’t. Until next season, the Lemmings are no more…
– GotaBeatLarry, a team well on their way to the #1 spot until they were declared to be the Late-Season-Larrys and thereby immediately cursed, must be simply salivating at their game next week. Of course, to be competitive they’ll have to do better than the zero points from Percy “headache” Harvin, and the 3 points from Kurt “that hurt” Warner (178 yards, 2 INT, FUM). This team also has the multiple-defense thing going – unfortunately they played the wrong one this past week – but a matchup with 5 potential defenses is intriguing. Can they be a self-fulfilling prophecy? Or will they be a footnote in the history of irony?
Thanks all for the regular season. For those still in it, good luck.