Week 13

This was a week in which true grit came out. Tried and true techniques were employed, and true colors were shown. Some folks even drank beer and said ‘true’. Truly…

Festivus Miracles (137) def Not Lucky or Good (110)

The juggernaut that is Festivus continues onwards like an angry bull in a china shop full of bright red crockery. At least, that’s what 4 impressive RBs look like from the other side of the ledger, especially with David “The Horns” Johnson (175 yards, 2 TDs) crashing through whatever he likes. The Not Luckies lived up to their name and made sure they were up against the wrong team. There was an attempt by Devonta “As the Wind Blows” Freeman (105 yards, 2 TDs) to blow apart the ‘not good’ tag… but it was all in vain.

El Sereno Chica (125) def Gnomes (89)

The Chicas took off their ever-stylish woolen beany and and handed it around the team locker-room. “It’s amazing how much you can gather together when everyone chips in their fair share”, said Derek “Rideshare” Carr (264 yards, 2 TDs, 2-PT), without a hint of irony. The Chicas rolled their eyes but took the win anyway. The Gnomes, on the other hand, came up a little short. They reached for the stars with their stubby little arms… but not even Melvin “Flash” Gordon (138 yards, TD) could get them there.

Northern Aggression (91) def The Nut Flush Draw (85)

Like the man sitting at the far end of the table when the check arrives, the Aggressors knew exactly how much they needed to put into the pot in order to leave the table a winner… and they did the math perfectly. They left their two top scorers on the bench and threw in Not-Very-Big Ben Roethisberger (289 yards, 2 TDs, INT) instead. The Nut Flushers waited all weekend for that last diamond to float down the river, but with the high-scoring Dalton Gang locked up on the bench and Ezekiel Elliot (105 yards, TD) phoning home all the time, they just didn’t have enough cash on the table to get there.

Auto Draft Disgrace (117) def Platypus Power (91)

The Disgracers overachieved this week, scoring 32 points more than Yahoo anticipated, rising up to 2-and-6 for their past 8 weeks, and generally looking like an actual fantasy football team for a change. Critical in this butterfly transformation was Andrew Luck (304 yards, 4 TDs), who returned from a concussion week off after recuperating in one of those pods Brian Dennehy had in Cocoon. The Platypusses tried to be happy for them, truly they did, but were too busy cussing and swearing about the universe conspiring against them to really get into it. Sadly, the loss was well deserved, with only “Take Me To The River” Jordan Howard (117 yards, 3 TDs) putting up any kind of fight.

This next week is a bit of a non-event. The 4 teams with winning records have clinched a spot in the finals, and everyone else gets to battle it out in the lower half. I’d say teams are playing for pride but the Platypusses gave that up weeks ago.

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