Week 9

Better late than never? Certainly I am exploring the outer limits of what it means to post a write-up of a round when another one is already starting… In my defense, it’s been a big week in “other news”, and I was waiting for a lull in the news cycle for this particular update.

Festivus Miracles (107) def Auto Draft Disgrace (80)

Isn’t it wonderful to live in a world where Miracles happen every week, like clockwork? This team’s truly inspiring run of wins blasts its way through another field of flowers, with Smutty Matty Ryan (344 yards, 4 TDs, FUM) refusing to stop and smell the roses. Despite every indication from their score, the Auto Drafting Disgraces are (as far as I can tell) still an ongoing organization where someone is turning the lights on and off each week – they just can’t catch a break… Rumors of an exorcist visiting their virtual clubrooms are beginning to emerge.

Gnomes (157) def Northern Aggression (94)

When the Gnomes hit, they hit hard. And the unfortunate fact that their shoulders are only 3 feet off the ground can make that groin-level punch bring tears to the eyes of even the most valiant foe. It was Melvin Gordon (261 yards, TD) who swung the hardest and the Aggressors may never walk the same again. Even their top scoring dude, Big Bent Over Roethlisberger (267 yards, 2 TDs, INT), was still walking gingerly a few days later.

So Hard Done By (119) def Not Lucky or Good (90)

When teams keep changing their name, and the write-up is slow, it’s hard to tell which alter-ego actually won the game. Let’s say, just for simplicity’s sake, that it was the Hard Done By’s (and not the Seigfrieds’), and that they are very proud about how their Ezekiel Phone Home Elliott (97 yards, 2 TDs) pointed the way home with his flashlight finger. The Not Luckies were, frankly, just happy not to get the glowlight up the nostril treatment, and are no doubt looking to regroup against the league’s easy-beats (the Platypusses) in week 10.

El Sereno Chica (118) def Platypus Power (87)

Oh to be as loquaious, sagacious, and downright vivacious as Latavius Murray (127 yards, 3 TDs) – wouldn’t it be grand?! The Chicas definitely gave it their best shot and  this win moves them within striking distance of the top 4. The Platypusses rolled out their most beautiful player – Frank Gore-Juss (71 yards, 2 TDs) – but it was clear right from the start who had the class and who had the big stinking pile of broken down players who should be taken outside and wiffle-sticked to within an inch of their lives.

Week 10 has started. May all your NFL dreams come true. (Except for that one where Bill Belichick installs hidden cameras around your house).

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