Category Archives: 2009 Season

End of regular season…

For posterity (and to remind me that I need to cry into my beer next September), here is how the regular season ended.


I think we can all agree it’s been an amazing year for the Miracles, and the rest of us just need to spend the entire first half of 2017 shouting his name from the rooftops.

That is, if the finals go well for him.. (Dum dum duuuuum).


Week 14

Given this was the week that impacted absolutely nothing (in regards to who made the finals), let’s quickly run through the results…

Festivus Miracles (123) def Northern Aggression (88)

You might expect more from an end-of-season, top-of-the-table clash, but the Miracles have been playing the entire season like the ’84 Olympics, where all the serious competition seems to have boycotted the games completely. To add insult to injury, the Miracles kept a goose-egg (Thomas) in the game and instead got 47.8 points from a single player – Le’Veon “You can ring my” Bell (298 yards, 3 TDs). I’d like to say the Aggressors are saving themselves for the finals, but I can’t help wondering if they’re just out of gas, with only TE Tyler “E for” Eifert (48 yards, 2 TDs) showed even the slightest amount of baked bean power…

Not Lucky or Good (93) def Gnomes (84)

The Not Luckies finished the season perfectly… in order to live up to their name, that is. Despite having the second highest total point score for the league, they finished in 5th place, just one game out of the top 4. Now that the pressure is off, it’s possible they’ll light the lower half on fire. If so, they’ll need some more Baron Von Aaron Rodgers (240 yards, 3 TDs) action. The Gnomes have also been deeply unlucky all season. The league’s third-highest scoring team ended up in 7th place, and leaving their top scorer (Brady) on the bench this week – in order to lose the game – seems to be a rut they can’t get out of. If not for the Atlanta D (3 sacks, 2 INT, 3 FUM, 2 TDs), they might not have even been able to see over the top of it.

Auto Draft Disgrace (122) def El Sereno Chica (73)

The Disgraced managed to get in one last shot before the end of the regular season. The league’s lowest scoring team handed the team in 4th place a bit of a (Carlos) Hyde-ing (200 yards, TD) to say goodbye and good luck for the finals. It’s unclear if the Chicas cared at all, though, as they played one goose-egg (J.Jones), have a completely unfilled spot on their bench, and were simply too busy drinking champagne at the TY Hilton (115 yards, TD) to know what was going on. They won’t be able to do that in the finals… Well, they could…

Platypus Power (99) def The Nut Flush Draw (81)

The Platypusses are just so damn CUTE and CUDDLY, they’ve spent the season inspiring nearly all the teams they’ve played against to “impress them” with high scores. Well, not this week. Nope, this week they managed a (completely unpredicted) win, and Hedley Lamar Miller (122 yards, TD) finally succeeded in running the Nut Flushes out of Rockridge. The Flushers, on the other hand, will need to steel themselves for the finals. As the very definition of “mediocre” – with a 7-and-7 record and a 1457-1456 season point score – the Nut Flush Draw will need to turn over a new leaf (and the “right” card) to emerge triumphant.

And now the finals are here. Will the universe favor the deserving, or just mess with us?

Week 9

Better late than never? Certainly I am exploring the outer limits of what it means to post a write-up of a round when another one is already starting… In my defense, it’s been a big week in “other news”, and I was waiting for a lull in the news cycle for this particular update.

Festivus Miracles (107) def Auto Draft Disgrace (80)

Isn’t it wonderful to live in a world where Miracles happen every week, like clockwork? This team’s truly inspiring run of wins blasts its way through another field of flowers, with Smutty Matty Ryan (344 yards, 4 TDs, FUM) refusing to stop and smell the roses. Despite every indication from their score, the Auto Drafting Disgraces are (as far as I can tell) still an ongoing organization where someone is turning the lights on and off each week – they just can’t catch a break… Rumors of an exorcist visiting their virtual clubrooms are beginning to emerge.

Gnomes (157) def Northern Aggression (94)

When the Gnomes hit, they hit hard. And the unfortunate fact that their shoulders are only 3 feet off the ground can make that groin-level punch bring tears to the eyes of even the most valiant foe. It was Melvin Gordon (261 yards, TD) who swung the hardest and the Aggressors may never walk the same again. Even their top scoring dude, Big Bent Over Roethlisberger (267 yards, 2 TDs, INT), was still walking gingerly a few days later.

So Hard Done By (119) def Not Lucky or Good (90)

When teams keep changing their name, and the write-up is slow, it’s hard to tell which alter-ego actually won the game. Let’s say, just for simplicity’s sake, that it was the Hard Done By’s (and not the Seigfrieds’), and that they are very proud about how their Ezekiel Phone Home Elliott (97 yards, 2 TDs) pointed the way home with his flashlight finger. The Not Luckies were, frankly, just happy not to get the glowlight up the nostril treatment, and are no doubt looking to regroup against the league’s easy-beats (the Platypusses) in week 10.

El Sereno Chica (118) def Platypus Power (87)

Oh to be as loquaious, sagacious, and downright vivacious as Latavius Murray (127 yards, 3 TDs) – wouldn’t it be grand?! The Chicas definitely gave it their best shot and  this win moves them within striking distance of the top 4. The Platypusses rolled out their most beautiful player – Frank Gore-Juss (71 yards, 2 TDs) – but it was clear right from the start who had the class and who had the big stinking pile of broken down players who should be taken outside and wiffle-sticked to within an inch of their lives.

Week 10 has started. May all your NFL dreams come true. (Except for that one where Bill Belichick installs hidden cameras around your house).

Week 8

Hard to believe we’re in the second half of the FF season already. For some of us it’s been like a bad dream. For others it’s like getting a new Ferrari full of skittles every Sunday. Either way, time is quickly running out to ‘make a move’…

Festivus Miracles (106) def Gnomes (95)

This season the Miracles have been the gift that keep on giving – giving out PAIN. This week was no different, with Fat Cat Matt Ryan (297 yards, 3 TDs) belting out showtunes on the fence without a care in the world. The Gnomes threw as many shoes as they could, but not even Tom Dude Looks Like A Brady (330 yards, 4 TDs) could connect with a clean hit. The league is looking more and more for a ‘December Surprise’ as their only chance against this domination…

Not Lucky or Good (144) def Auto Draft Kings (68)

Even with a goose-egg on the menu, the Luckies made out like a jovial waiter as they casually served up the Auto Drafters’ head on a platter. The dish was carried by the ever casual Aaron The Artful Dodger Rodgers (306 yards, 4 TDs, 2-PNT) who managed to put his personal painful loss aside to at least help his fantasy team win. The Auto Draft Kings might have appreciated the graceful delivery of their meal more if it hadn’t been their own severed head. It’s unclear if they can Frankenstein their way out of this one…

Schadenfreude (97) def El Sereno Chica (77)

The feeling of schadenfreude (joy at the suffering of others) felt by the Schadenfreude this week was off the charts. I’m talking Elvis Presley ‘Blue Schadenfreude Shoes’ off the charts, with Andrew Dalton Gang (305 yards, 2 TDs, FUM, INT) showing that he CAN catch a rabbit. The Chica’s woeful season continues and they are fast finding themselves in a sadly competitive race for the worst team in the league. Not even Derek Take Me Driving In Your Car Carr (526 yards, 4 TDs, FUM) could lift their spirits.

Northern Aggression (136) def Platypus Power (97)

The Aggressors went north to Alaska, going north coz the rush was on, with two RBs scoring over 20 points… but it was actually Carson Sugar Mama Palmer (363 yards, 3 TDs, INT, FUM) who bankrolled the whole venture. They were, however, kept warm on their journey by the Platypus pelt hats they wore like some kind of Crocodile Dundee Crockett fella. The Platypusses ability to encourage and improve others is becoming legendary, as they slowly build a lead in the Points Against category.

Week 9 beckons, and I can’t help but see her holding a shiny boning knife. Again.

Week 7

Well, obviously another week taught me nothing. Here’s the back-to-back barely-kinda-not-really-on-time write-up…

Festivus Miracles (123) def Northern Aggression (103)

Wow, so this is what a TEAM effort looks like. A bit like Animal House, no Miracle player managed to escape their teens, though Spencer “B” Ware (131 yards, TD) did get rather close. The Aggressors gambled big on Cat on a Matt Forte (154 yards, 2 TDs, FUM) but the rest of the team basically choked on a furball. After 7 weeks, the Miracles have amassed 150 points more than anyone else – it’s going to be tough to take them down.

Not Lucky or Good (113) def Gnomes (107)

The Not Luckies continue to take the sarcastic use of their name to the outer limits of decorum as they carefully wrote out their own destiny with bold letters and a LeGarrett Blount Pencil (134 yards, 2 TDs). The Gnomes were in with a huge chance this week but their stubby little arms just couldn’t reach high enough, not even while they were standing on the shoulders of Melvin ‘Commissioner’ Gordon (121 yards, 3 TDs). The Gnomes are not Batman, though the Luckies could be the Joker…

El Sereno Chica (108) def Auto Draft Kings (79)

The Chica Chicas went boom boom this week, bouncing the increasingly hapless Auto Drafters out of the park with a series of dance moves that ended with a T.Y. Not-Relation-To-Paris Hilton (133 yards, TD) double spin. The Auto Drafters continued their tradition of NOT putting their best QB into the game, but it was pretty clear that not even a Tuesday morning mulligan could have helped them this week.

Two Off the Top (120) def Platypus Power (86)

When you get dealt a 6 of hearts and a 9 of clubs, you might think ‘fold’. But then the Two off the Top come in as another two 9’s and suddenly you’re sitting pretty with a jaywalking Jay Ajayi (216 yards, TD) thumbing his nose at the crossing guard. It helps, of course, if you’re playing a lame duck-billed platypus with a bum leg, half an eye, and their best two players on the bench.

Week 8 has already started. Let’s see how this one turns out…

Week 1

They say that every journey begins with a single step. This weekend, some of us leapt forward like charging lions. Others tiptoed delicately ahead, guiding our precious bare feet through the tulips. Either way, the season has begun, and the blood on your claws (or petals in your toes) is now something you have to live with for the rest of the season. Good luck to all!

Festivus Miracles (154) def Gnomes (126)

The two mega-brains of the league went head-to head in week one, and the matchup did not disappoint. With two of the top three scores for the week, their clash was mighty and brutal. In the end it was the Miracles who came out on top, their triple-pronged attack of 25+ point players – Drew “Summer” Brees (424 yard, 4 TDs, FUM), “Michael” DeAngelo Williams (171 yards, 2 TDs), and Spencer “B” Ware (199 yards, TD) – was simply too much for the hardy Gnomes. The Miracles play in many leagues, but has been treating this one as their big-fish-small-pond world for some time now – can anyone bring them to heel? Well, obviously not the Gnomes (at least, not this week). They spread their point scoring out a little wider across the team but could not close the gap. While Antonio “Number One Pick, baby” Brown did his part (126 yards, 2 TDs), he was a giant standing alone amongst his gnomic teammates.

Sultans of Suck (127) def Not Lucky or Good (97)

The Sultans made a solid entrance this week, despite the team effectively being abandoned in the jungle and raised by wolves. Much like the Miracles, they (inadvertently) employed a three pronged attack with Andrew “Big” Luck (385 yards, 4 TDs), Brandin Cooks “In the Kitchen” (143 yards, 2 TDs), and Carlos “Leathery” Hyde (93 yards, 2 TDs) scoring two thirds of their points. It’s expected that the Sultans will become more directly involved in the day-to-day lives of their subjects in the next few weeks, but they certainly can’t complain about how the eunuchs took care of the first week. As for the Luckies, it seems that as their name gets more seasons under its belt, more of the intended irony is drained from it. The team looked competitive on paper but only “Le Baron” Aaron Rodgers (215 yards, 3 TDs) proved himself worthy in week one. As minor favorites heading into next week, hope remains that the team will learn terms like “satire” and “sarcasm” and “I’m kidding with the name, guys”.

Rushing the Growler (112) def El Sereno Chica (98)

The Growler was well and truly rushed this week. Yep, there’s nothing quite like a bucket of warm sudsy beer to make your entire weekend both memorable AND forgettable. The Growlers completely ignored their Yahoo-implied underdog status and threw a little green (AJ Green, to be precise) at their problem, and a mere 180 yards and a TD later, they had the win. The Chicas tried to counter with some Ben “of the Big Boots” Roethisberger action (298 yards, 3 TDs, INT) but there’s only so much a team can do when the bulk of them are still chasing Pokémon around the locker rooms – damned Millennials. While there was a single WR switch-from-the-bench that could have won them the game (Mathews for Marshall), I’m pretty sure the Chicas are still sleeping fine, knowing that they played the odds like a sane person would.

Northern Aggression (116) def Platypus Power (93)

The Aggressors burst out of the blocks thanks to the efforts of one very angry young man – CJ “Pamela” Anderson (139 yards, 2 TDs) – who outscored his predicted total by 17 points. Apparently CJ was not happy about the high-riding, bright red, one-suit he had to wear during training camp, and he brought all that angst and fire to opening week. Sure, he had to let a few people drown on the sidelines but sometimes that’s what heroes have to do in order to win. The Platypusses, meanwhile, relied too heavily on their weird beaver-duck appearance to distract their opponent (rather than playing football) and when Adrien “Momma Duck” Peterson snuck off home to check the eggs, well, it all fell apart. In fact, the only bragging rights they have is “the highest scoring bench in football”. This team is going to need to pick up their game to be competitive…

So… maybe your first step was a good one, or maybe you twisted an ankle and stepped into a giant pile of fresh elephant dung, but the beauty of the game is that you get to shake it off and try to step forward again this weekend. The game is indeed… on!


Regular Season – 2015

For posterity, here’s how we ended the season.

For flavor, it is described using Queen lyrics.

[1] Deflated Expectation: “We are the champions, my friends. And we’ll keep on fighting, ’till the end.”


[2] Not Lucky or Good: “Buddy you’re a boy make a big noise. Playing in the street, gonna be a big man some day.”


[3] El Sereno Chica: “She’s a killer Queen. Gunpowder, gelatine. Dynamite with a laser beam. Guaranteed to blow your mind.”


[4] Da Gnomes: “Flash a-ah. Savior of the Universe!  Flash a-ah. He’ll save every one of us.”



[5] Rushing the Growler: “Who wants to live forever? Who dares to love forever? Oh, oh, when love must die.”


[6] Northern Aggression: “Everyday. I try and I try and I try. But everybody wants to put me down. They say I’m goin’ crazy. They say I got a lot of water in my brain.”


[7] Killer Koalas: “So stick around, ‘cos we might miss you. When we grow tired of all this visual. You had your time, you had the power. You’ve yet to have your finest hour. Radio. Radio.”


[8] Sultans of Suck: “Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia, let me go. Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me. For me. For meeeeeee.”