The King is dead! And what a way to go out – it almost makes you feel sorry for the poor little Miracles. Almost, but not quite.
So Hard Done By (150.3) def Festivus Miracles (149.8)
“You know that phrase you’re using? I don’t think it means what you think it means”. It seems pretty clear that the Hard Done By’s need to add an ‘*’ to their name to point out that – for this week, at least – their complaints are a bit like Richie Rich being sad because he lost a dime behind the gold weave cushions in his giant mansion. While others did contribute, they can thank a mighty return-on-investment from Ezekiel “Market Shaker” Elliott (209 yards, 3 TDs) for this win. The Miracles went for their trademark “just have a bunch of high quality players in every position” win and were unbackable favorites for much of the weekend. With 3 RB’s scoring over 20 points – led by DeMarco “Deutsche Mark” Murray (156 yards, TD, plus a 10-yd PASS TD) – they were incredibly unlucky to lose their first game of the season. Still, better to get it out of the way in the regular season (unless it becomes a habit, of course).
And now we move from the juggernaut match-up to… well… everyone else.
Auto Draft Disgrace (93) def Gnomes (81)
When the scores are this low, you just need one player to burst out of their shell and over-perform to take the win. Luckily for the Auto Drafters, they watched Days of Thunder during the week and figured out how to use the slipstream of Allen “Cole Trickle” Robinson (107 yards, TD, 2-PT) to go straight to Victory Lane. The Gnomes, on the other hand, had several flat tires, a bungled pit stop, and if it weren’t for Antonio “Downtown” Brown (144 yards, TD) it might have been even worse. As it was, they went 30 points below their predicted score, and are in danger of losing their sponsor, “Teeny Tiny Mello Yello”.
El Sereno Chica (90) def Northern Aggression (88)
The Chicas have the highly unusual status of putting every single point on the board, with nothing but Bye’s and scratched players on their bench this week. It turned out to be just the right number of points, though, with Philip “You Give Me Shivers” Rivers (326 yards, 3 TDS, 4 INTs) messing with the Chica’s emotions just a little too much to be truly embraced. After a strong start to the season, the Aggressors are suddenly running low on ‘roids and, as such, are looking significantly more laid-back and snoozy. Despite Ben Roethislberger’s little tantrum (409 yards, 3 TDs), they simply didn’t have enough fire in the belly to take this one.
Platypus Power (113) def Not Lucky or Good (108)
The little fuzz-buckets finally managed to use the poisonous spurs on their hind feet to take out an opponent this week ! (Yes, even the cute-and-cuddly duck-billed animals in Oz are venomous). The Platypus’s savior was none other than Cam “Fig” Newton (315 yards, 2 TDs, INT), who served up some Devonshire Tea with cookies as he ran his way to victory. The Not Luckies came within reach of the win via “Oh Dell!” on MNF, but it was actually Aaron Rodgers (398 yards, 3 TDs, 2 INTs) who’d done the hard yards and getting them into position in the first place. Despite this loss, the Not Luckies hold on to third spot on the table and, frankly, do not find any of the teams below them to be scary in any way, shape, or form.
On to Week 11… Will the Miracles buy boots to protect themselves from Platypus spurs? Can the Gnomes remove the asterix from the Hard Done By’s? Can the Chica’s survive another 4 INTs, or will the Not Luckies do a negative-G pushover? Do the Auto Drafters feel the need, the need for speed? Or will the Aggressors bring back that loving feeling?