Round 13

One round to go in regulation – the top 3 spots are locked in, and only the Gnomes and Thunderball (who go head-to-head in week 14) have a shot at the last spot…

The Gnomes leap tall Miracles in a single bound (111 v 93)

–          The Gnomes fly high once more – this win over the once-proud-league-leader catapults them up into 4th position with one round to play. The Miracles, on the other hand, lose their FOURTH in a row and drop to (gasp) 3rd on the table.  Such a fall from grace hasn’t been seen since Elvis developed a taste for deep-fried candy bars.

–          The Nittany Gnomes kept all their gas in the tank for this great run at the end of the season, including top-score of the round.  Can the Wild Card win it all? Tony “bony Maroni” Romo (392 yards, 3 TDs) and Brandon “the upright man” Jacobs (113 yards, 2 TDs) say yes, yes, yes.  If only I could be having what they’re having.

–          While it’s getting hard to watch, I just… can’t… look… away.  Like a train wreck in Santa Clarita, the Miracles are going down hard.  It COULD be some kind of plan, but it’s doubtful.  Still, they had a decent score this week – top points came from Rashard “deck the” Mendenhall (103 yards, TD) – but it’s really the BENCH that’s gotta hurt. There were 3 players above 20 points sitting this one out…  With a finals spot locked, perhaps he’s in a self-exploratory phase?

Le Trompin’ applies a stompin’ to the Thunder with a pumpkin (96 v 71)

–          The Tromps hurtle out of last spot on the table, with a follow-up win to their famous “street dancing” win of last week.  Thunder, meanwhile, meekly backs down from 4th place into 5th, aiding and abetting the loss with a big nought from Michael high-ankle-sprain (isn’t that a knee) Turner…

–          The big moos-tach-ah from the underbelly hemisphere had a good round, with key players coming to the party at the right time.  Top two were Philip “I’m still here El Guappo” Rivers (373 yards, 2 TDs) and Calvin “I hate that comic strip” Johnson (123 yards, TD).  While it’s been a tough season for the league’s most remote player, with a round to play he’s still in with a chance for 8th place.  Maybe he can field his team in the Mills and Boon “Snuggle Bowl” game after all.

–          Thunder, a long-time holder of 4th spot (or higher) is, I suspect, just unsure as to what to do to win.  Much like his 10am morning ritual in the bathroom, it’s always “just happened” before. Perhaps the cure is Metamucil, perhaps it’s some last minute player investigation, who knows.   This week’s top performer was the Cincinnati defense (3 sacks, 2 INTs, TD), so all we know is that he’ll need MORE (something) to regain 4th position, and a spot in the finals, next week.

The Sophomores do research and beat the Furies over the head with it (97 v 71)

–          The Sophomores stunned the league this week by actually THINKING and PLANNING about the round, bringing in a barely-known Denver RB to completely derail any chance the Fury might have had. The Fury, somehow adverse to making the finals, lose their 3rd in a row and fall out of contention for the finals.  At least he can look outside and see the ocean…

–          The Sophomores were up a-pondering, and a-wondering, and a-finally turned that into the pickup and playing of Knowshon “what was Mamma thinking” Moreno (86 yards, 2 TDs).  Nice play.  Throw in a great game from the luckiest man in all of Pro Football – Drew “the double turn-over touchdown” Brees (419 yards, 2 TD, INT), and you have a big win.  Sadly, there will be no finals for the Sophomores this year, though a place in the Snuggle Bowl is now guaranteed.

–          The Fury, who looked pretty good for the first half of the season, has “done a Larry” and lost a bunch in a row.  It’s a shame – partly for Nate, but mostly because the drama of having more teams potentially able to take 4th would make for more dramatic write-ups.  As far as performances go, the top player was Anquan “Viking killer” Boldin (98 yards, 2 TDs), but I can’t seem to drag my eyes away from the ‘0’ posted by kicker John Carney.  It appears to have been a fairly late change by NO, but I simply don’t recall a Fantasy team playing an injured kicker before…

The GotaBeats overtake their nemesis, while Giallorossi again provides the backdrop (108 v 82)

–          Another great week from the eater-of-Miracles (missed out on top score by just a few), and the win – his 6th in a row – allows him to overtake the false idol of Larry and move into 2nd spot on the table.  What a move.  And Giallorossi, much like the entire season, scored in the middle of the pack and simply provided some context for someone else’s win.  For his own sanity, this year may go down as “the one that never happened”…

–          GotabeatLarry – they are the Larry’s of the second half of the season.  They’re so good that I think they may be ready for me to put the moxie on them, given it was so effective on the Miracles. An encouraging sign is that it’s been a team-effort, too, with 5 players in double digits this week.  Top score was from Santonio “Sherlock” Holmes (149 yards, TD).  With one round to play, there’s even a chance for him to go all the way to the top of the table – he just needs some Aussie assistance (the Lemmings to lose to them, and the Tromps to win over the Squad).  Current signs are favorable…

–           Giallorossi, now completely numb to the cat-of-nine-tails that has been repeatedly swung across his back, is simply kicking back with a beer – sitting on his chilly front porch and telling those pesky neighbor kids to get off his lawn.  His bench is woeful, and the top scorers of Ben “no helmet required” Roethlisberger (285 yards, 2 TD, INT) and Jonathon “call me Martha” Stewart (126 yards, TD) simply couldn’t drag the team up out of the doldrums.  One week to go, 8th place currently owned, how confident would you say Dougy is on making the Snuggle Bowl?

The Squad wins the war of attrition as the Lemmings find how to fall further (87 v 83)

–          The Squad are gaining a reputation for delivering the minimum shippable score at just the right time, and this 4-point win demonstrates that once again.  The league obviously respects this ability to win on the razor’s edge, as the Squad now heads into the final round a game clear on the top of the table.  IMHO, it all harks back to the locking in of the team name…  The Lemmings?  Well, they managed to lose and fall to the bottom of the table.  I have to say that it was a special moment, to actually hit the ground after all those weeks of falling.  I, like Douglas before me, am numb to the pain…

–          When you don’t have any superstars coming to town, you throw together an ensemble cast and give everyone a few lines (hey, it worked for Crash).  5 players pulled in double digits, the top two being Miles “Boston” Austin (104 yards, TD) and LaDainian “on a streak” Tomlinson (85 yards, TD).  The Squad will need more points in the finals to get the flag in this, his inaugural season with this league, but it’s hard to argue about the TIMING of his matchups.  A win next week will guarantee the Minor Premiership.

–          The Lemmings.  An animal whose instinct for self-destruction has been discussed for eons.  Maybe the Disney camera crew did push them over.  Maybe they wanted to jump.  Regardless, the result is always the same – they came, they saw, they flew, they landed (painfully).  This week the “villain” of the team was the Minnesota defense, who had their rear end handed to them by Arizona and said thanks very much.  It was a shame, too, because last week’s villain (Tom “Marcia” Brady) came back this week with 352 yards, 2 TDs, 2 INTs.  Mathematically it is still possible for the Lemmings to sneak into the Snuggle Bowl, but the cold, hard earth seems strangely inviting right now.

One round to go, then the Super Bowl finals and the Snuggle Bowl finals begin…


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