End of regular season…

For posterity (and to remind me that I need to cry into my beer next September), here is how the regular season ended.


I think we can all agree it’s been an amazing year for the Miracles, and the rest of us just need to spend the entire first half of 2017 shouting his name from the rooftops.

That is, if the finals go well for him.. (Dum dum duuuuum).


Week 14

Given this was the week that impacted absolutely nothing (in regards to who made the finals), let’s quickly run through the results…

Festivus Miracles (123) def Northern Aggression (88)

You might expect more from an end-of-season, top-of-the-table clash, but the Miracles have been playing the entire season like the ’84 Olympics, where all the serious competition seems to have boycotted the games completely. To add insult to injury, the Miracles kept a goose-egg (Thomas) in the game and instead got 47.8 points from a single player – Le’Veon “You can ring my” Bell (298 yards, 3 TDs). I’d like to say the Aggressors are saving themselves for the finals, but I can’t help wondering if they’re just out of gas, with only TE Tyler “E for” Eifert (48 yards, 2 TDs) showed even the slightest amount of baked bean power…

Not Lucky or Good (93) def Gnomes (84)

The Not Luckies finished the season perfectly… in order to live up to their name, that is. Despite having the second highest total point score for the league, they finished in 5th place, just one game out of the top 4. Now that the pressure is off, it’s possible they’ll light the lower half on fire. If so, they’ll need some more Baron Von Aaron Rodgers (240 yards, 3 TDs) action. The Gnomes have also been deeply unlucky all season. The league’s third-highest scoring team ended up in 7th place, and leaving their top scorer (Brady) on the bench this week – in order to lose the game – seems to be a rut they can’t get out of. If not for the Atlanta D (3 sacks, 2 INT, 3 FUM, 2 TDs), they might not have even been able to see over the top of it.

Auto Draft Disgrace (122) def El Sereno Chica (73)

The Disgraced managed to get in one last shot before the end of the regular season. The league’s lowest scoring team handed the team in 4th place a bit of a (Carlos) Hyde-ing (200 yards, TD) to say goodbye and good luck for the finals. It’s unclear if the Chicas cared at all, though, as they played one goose-egg (J.Jones), have a completely unfilled spot on their bench, and were simply too busy drinking champagne at the TY Hilton (115 yards, TD) to know what was going on. They won’t be able to do that in the finals… Well, they could…

Platypus Power (99) def The Nut Flush Draw (81)

The Platypusses are just so damn CUTE and CUDDLY, they’ve spent the season inspiring nearly all the teams they’ve played against to “impress them” with high scores. Well, not this week. Nope, this week they managed a (completely unpredicted) win, and Hedley Lamar Miller (122 yards, TD) finally succeeded in running the Nut Flushes out of Rockridge. The Flushers, on the other hand, will need to steel themselves for the finals. As the very definition of “mediocre” – with a 7-and-7 record and a 1457-1456 season point score – the Nut Flush Draw will need to turn over a new leaf (and the “right” card) to emerge triumphant.

And now the finals are here. Will the universe favor the deserving, or just mess with us?

Week 13

This was a week in which true grit came out. Tried and true techniques were employed, and true colors were shown. Some folks even drank beer and said ‘true’. Truly…

Festivus Miracles (137) def Not Lucky or Good (110)

The juggernaut that is Festivus continues onwards like an angry bull in a china shop full of bright red crockery. At least, that’s what 4 impressive RBs look like from the other side of the ledger, especially with David “The Horns” Johnson (175 yards, 2 TDs) crashing through whatever he likes. The Not Luckies lived up to their name and made sure they were up against the wrong team. There was an attempt by Devonta “As the Wind Blows” Freeman (105 yards, 2 TDs) to blow apart the ‘not good’ tag… but it was all in vain.

El Sereno Chica (125) def Gnomes (89)

The Chicas took off their ever-stylish woolen beany and and handed it around the team locker-room. “It’s amazing how much you can gather together when everyone chips in their fair share”, said Derek “Rideshare” Carr (264 yards, 2 TDs, 2-PT), without a hint of irony. The Chicas rolled their eyes but took the win anyway. The Gnomes, on the other hand, came up a little short. They reached for the stars with their stubby little arms… but not even Melvin “Flash” Gordon (138 yards, TD) could get them there.

Northern Aggression (91) def The Nut Flush Draw (85)

Like the man sitting at the far end of the table when the check arrives, the Aggressors knew exactly how much they needed to put into the pot in order to leave the table a winner… and they did the math perfectly. They left their two top scorers on the bench and threw in Not-Very-Big Ben Roethisberger (289 yards, 2 TDs, INT) instead. The Nut Flushers waited all weekend for that last diamond to float down the river, but with the high-scoring Dalton Gang locked up on the bench and Ezekiel Elliot (105 yards, TD) phoning home all the time, they just didn’t have enough cash on the table to get there.

Auto Draft Disgrace (117) def Platypus Power (91)

The Disgracers overachieved this week, scoring 32 points more than Yahoo anticipated, rising up to 2-and-6 for their past 8 weeks, and generally looking like an actual fantasy football team for a change. Critical in this butterfly transformation was Andrew Luck (304 yards, 4 TDs), who returned from a concussion week off after recuperating in one of those pods Brian Dennehy had in Cocoon. The Platypusses tried to be happy for them, truly they did, but were too busy cussing and swearing about the universe conspiring against them to really get into it. Sadly, the loss was well deserved, with only “Take Me To The River” Jordan Howard (117 yards, 3 TDs) putting up any kind of fight.

This next week is a bit of a non-event. The 4 teams with winning records have clinched a spot in the finals, and everyone else gets to battle it out in the lower half. I’d say teams are playing for pride but the Platypusses gave that up weeks ago.

Week 12

And here’s part 2 of the write-up author’s walk of shame through the deep dark past. As declared earlier, it is a headline-only version.

“It’d take a Miracle for the Chicas to lose! Oh, yeah, right…”

  • Festivus Miracles (140) def El Sereno Chica (92)

“Nuts flashed again! Spectators agree they are no Disgrace!”

  • The Nut Flush Draw (102) def Auto Draft Disgrace (84)

“Riot breaks out – Aggressors flee the scene, the Goods die young!”

  • Northern Aggression (104) def Not Lucky or Good (101)

“Short burly men play soccer using furry animals – remain unrepentant.”

  • Gnomes (116) def Platypus Power (98)

So… here we are… about the half way mark through week 13. Good luck! (If you have any players left in play, of course).

Week 11

Alright, alright. So the week 11 write-up is “1.9 weeks” late. I apologize for being distracted by other things, but the Platypusses have really tanked lately and it’s possible an ArcGIS Pro user conspiracy could be responsible (so I can focus on ‘their needs‘ instead). It’s either them or our Tech Support team… Surely it’s not team-management-related!

Anyway, this week (and next) the write-ups are “headlines only”.

“Nuts are wantonly flashed and the Gnomes stumble!”

  • The Nut Flush Draw (99) def Gnomes (87)

“Aggressors acquitted! Avoid Disgrace with great defense attorney.”

  • Northern Aggression (99) def Auto Draft Disgrace (86)

“Chica Chica Boom Boom! But the Goods do not get lucky.”

  • El Sereno Chica (112) def Not Lucky or Good (94)

“Festival bells ring out as Platypus roasts slowly on the spit.”

  • Festivus Miracles (123) def Platypus Power (85)

I’d wish everyone good luck, but week 12 is already in the past.  😐


Week 10

The King is dead! And what a way to go out – it almost makes you feel sorry for the poor little Miracles. Almost, but not quite.

So Hard Done By (150.3) def Festivus Miracles (149.8)

“You know that phrase you’re using? I don’t think it means what you think it means”. It seems pretty clear that the Hard Done By’s need to add an ‘*’ to their name to point out that – for this week, at least – their complaints are a bit like Richie Rich being sad because he lost a dime behind the gold weave cushions in his giant mansion. While others did contribute, they can thank a mighty return-on-investment from Ezekiel “Market Shaker” Elliott (209 yards, 3 TDs) for this win. The Miracles went for their trademark “just have a bunch of high quality players in every position” win and were unbackable favorites for much of the weekend. With 3 RB’s scoring over 20 points – led by DeMarco “Deutsche Mark” Murray (156 yards, TD, plus a 10-yd PASS TD) – they were incredibly unlucky to lose their first game of the season. Still, better to get it out of the way in the regular season (unless it becomes a habit, of course).

And now we move from the juggernaut match-up to… well… everyone else.

Auto Draft Disgrace (93) def Gnomes (81)

When the scores are this low, you just need one player to burst out of their shell and over-perform to take the win. Luckily for the Auto Drafters, they watched Days of Thunder during the week and figured out how to use the slipstream of Allen “Cole Trickle” Robinson (107 yards, TD, 2-PT) to go straight to Victory Lane. The Gnomes, on the other hand, had several flat tires, a bungled pit stop, and if it weren’t for Antonio “Downtown” Brown (144 yards, TD) it might have been even worse. As it was, they went 30 points below their predicted score, and are in danger of losing their sponsor, “Teeny Tiny Mello Yello”.

El Sereno Chica (90) def Northern Aggression (88)

The Chicas have the highly unusual status of putting every single point on the board, with nothing but Bye’s and scratched players on their bench this week. It turned out to be just the right number of points, though, with Philip “You Give Me Shivers” Rivers (326 yards, 3 TDS, 4 INTs) messing with the Chica’s emotions just a little too much to be truly embraced. After a strong start to the season, the Aggressors are suddenly running low on ‘roids and, as such, are looking significantly more laid-back and snoozy. Despite Ben Roethislberger’s little tantrum (409 yards, 3 TDs), they simply didn’t have enough fire in the belly to take this one.

Platypus Power (113) def Not Lucky or Good (108)

The little fuzz-buckets finally managed to use the poisonous spurs on their hind feet to take out an opponent this week ! (Yes, even the cute-and-cuddly duck-billed animals in Oz are venomous). The Platypus’s savior was none other than Cam “Fig” Newton (315 yards, 2 TDs, INT), who served up some Devonshire Tea with cookies as he ran his way to victory. The Not Luckies came within reach of the win via “Oh Dell!” on MNF, but it was actually Aaron Rodgers (398 yards, 3 TDs, 2 INTs) who’d done the hard yards and getting them into position in the first place. Despite this loss, the Not Luckies hold on to third spot on the table and, frankly, do not find any of the teams below them to be scary in any way, shape, or form.

On to Week 11… Will the Miracles buy boots to protect themselves from Platypus spurs? Can the Gnomes remove the asterix from the Hard Done By’s? Can the Chica’s survive another 4 INTs, or will the Not Luckies do a negative-G pushover? Do the Auto Drafters feel the need, the need for speed? Or will the Aggressors bring back that loving feeling?

Week 9

Better late than never? Certainly I am exploring the outer limits of what it means to post a write-up of a round when another one is already starting… In my defense, it’s been a big week in “other news”, and I was waiting for a lull in the news cycle for this particular update.

Festivus Miracles (107) def Auto Draft Disgrace (80)

Isn’t it wonderful to live in a world where Miracles happen every week, like clockwork? This team’s truly inspiring run of wins blasts its way through another field of flowers, with Smutty Matty Ryan (344 yards, 4 TDs, FUM) refusing to stop and smell the roses. Despite every indication from their score, the Auto Drafting Disgraces are (as far as I can tell) still an ongoing organization where someone is turning the lights on and off each week – they just can’t catch a break… Rumors of an exorcist visiting their virtual clubrooms are beginning to emerge.

Gnomes (157) def Northern Aggression (94)

When the Gnomes hit, they hit hard. And the unfortunate fact that their shoulders are only 3 feet off the ground can make that groin-level punch bring tears to the eyes of even the most valiant foe. It was Melvin Gordon (261 yards, TD) who swung the hardest and the Aggressors may never walk the same again. Even their top scoring dude, Big Bent Over Roethlisberger (267 yards, 2 TDs, INT), was still walking gingerly a few days later.

So Hard Done By (119) def Not Lucky or Good (90)

When teams keep changing their name, and the write-up is slow, it’s hard to tell which alter-ego actually won the game. Let’s say, just for simplicity’s sake, that it was the Hard Done By’s (and not the Seigfrieds’), and that they are very proud about how their Ezekiel Phone Home Elliott (97 yards, 2 TDs) pointed the way home with his flashlight finger. The Not Luckies were, frankly, just happy not to get the glowlight up the nostril treatment, and are no doubt looking to regroup against the league’s easy-beats (the Platypusses) in week 10.

El Sereno Chica (118) def Platypus Power (87)

Oh to be as loquaious, sagacious, and downright vivacious as Latavius Murray (127 yards, 3 TDs) – wouldn’t it be grand?! The Chicas definitely gave it their best shot and  this win moves them within striking distance of the top 4. The Platypusses rolled out their most beautiful player – Frank Gore-Juss (71 yards, 2 TDs) – but it was clear right from the start who had the class and who had the big stinking pile of broken down players who should be taken outside and wiffle-sticked to within an inch of their lives.

Week 10 has started. May all your NFL dreams come true. (Except for that one where Bill Belichick installs hidden cameras around your house).