Given this was the week that impacted absolutely nothing (in regards to who made the finals), let’s quickly run through the results…
Festivus Miracles (123) def Northern Aggression (88)
You might expect more from an end-of-season, top-of-the-table clash, but the Miracles have been playing the entire season like the ’84 Olympics, where all the serious competition seems to have boycotted the games completely. To add insult to injury, the Miracles kept a goose-egg (Thomas) in the game and instead got 47.8 points from a single player – Le’Veon “You can ring my” Bell (298 yards, 3 TDs). I’d like to say the Aggressors are saving themselves for the finals, but I can’t help wondering if they’re just out of gas, with only TE Tyler “E for” Eifert (48 yards, 2 TDs) showed even the slightest amount of baked bean power…
Not Lucky or Good (93) def Gnomes (84)
The Not Luckies finished the season perfectly… in order to live up to their name, that is. Despite having the second highest total point score for the league, they finished in 5th place, just one game out of the top 4. Now that the pressure is off, it’s possible they’ll light the lower half on fire. If so, they’ll need some more Baron Von Aaron Rodgers (240 yards, 3 TDs) action. The Gnomes have also been deeply unlucky all season. The league’s third-highest scoring team ended up in 7th place, and leaving their top scorer (Brady) on the bench this week – in order to lose the game – seems to be a rut they can’t get out of. If not for the Atlanta D (3 sacks, 2 INT, 3 FUM, 2 TDs), they might not have even been able to see over the top of it.
Auto Draft Disgrace (122) def El Sereno Chica (73)
The Disgraced managed to get in one last shot before the end of the regular season. The league’s lowest scoring team handed the team in 4th place a bit of a (Carlos) Hyde-ing (200 yards, TD) to say goodbye and good luck for the finals. It’s unclear if the Chicas cared at all, though, as they played one goose-egg (J.Jones), have a completely unfilled spot on their bench, and were simply too busy drinking champagne at the TY Hilton (115 yards, TD) to know what was going on. They won’t be able to do that in the finals… Well, they could…
Platypus Power (99) def The Nut Flush Draw (81)
The Platypusses are just so damn CUTE and CUDDLY, they’ve spent the season inspiring nearly all the teams they’ve played against to “impress them” with high scores. Well, not this week. Nope, this week they managed a (completely unpredicted) win, and Hedley Lamar Miller (122 yards, TD) finally succeeded in running the Nut Flushes out of Rockridge. The Flushers, on the other hand, will need to steel themselves for the finals. As the very definition of “mediocre” – with a 7-and-7 record and a 1457-1456 season point score – the Nut Flush Draw will need to turn over a new leaf (and the “right” card) to emerge triumphant.
And now the finals are here. Will the universe favor the deserving, or just mess with us?