Another season begins, another chance to look like a fool in front of your friends and colleagues. And remember, there is no get-out-of-jail-free cards for “but I auto-drafted” (you know who you are)…
Anything But RBs (114) def Polar Vortex (112)
It’s unclear exactly why the Commish hates Rhythm and Blues, but there is no denying that his newly declared love for aging QBs and wide-mouthed WRs paid off this week. Peyton proved people pooh-poohing his prowess are pathetic party-poopers and, well, just plain wrong (269 yards, 3 TDs). Throw in C-Johnson-The-Mega with 164 yards and 2 TDs, and C-Johnson-The-Other with 91 yards and a TD, and you have a pretty handy score. The Vortex’s attempt to drag in points was also impressive, but it seems that global warming diminished their power just enough for them to lose this tough first-round matchup. Yes, even with Julius “Special Peyton Bond” Jones pulling in 104 yards and a 3 TDs, they will have to settle for telling their children “but I tried to save the polar bears, truly I did.”
Luckier than Good (128) def El Sereno Chica (81)
When the “Goods” decide to go for a lucky break, they go all in. They name their team appropriately, let fate choose their team, end up with a QB called “Luck” (370 yards, 2 TDs, 2 INTs), and somehow come out with the highest score of the week. There’s a three-legged bunny hopping around Redlands right now, wondering what the heck just happened. I’d like to say that the Chica’s were valiant in the fight, but it’s probably more accurate to say that they were preordained to be cast as “Crew Member 3” in a movie where they needed to get things started quickly with as much blood as possible. Last to throw in the towel was Jay “one more play?” Cutler (349 yards, 2 TDs, 2 INTs).
Da Gnomes (113) def Northern Aggression (109)
A close game is a good game… for everyone EXCEPT those competing in it. This battle – a classic brother-versus-brother showdown – came down to the wire, and I’m sure there was a whole series of tweets, emails, text messages, and R-rated instagram images sent between them for the duration of the games (even if they were only imagined). The Gnomes started strong with a last-second switch to play Matty “I ain’t no fatty” Ryan (463 yards, 3 TDs) and they burst out to a big lead. The Aggressors responded with a QB-mirror-play, with Matty “OK, I’m a bit fatty” Stafford (348 yards, 3 TDs) scoring almost the same number of points. A tough game, played hard, and ultimately won by the Gnomes and their lower center of gravity.
Killer Koalas (119) def Sultans of Suck (72)
The Koalas were steadfast in their approach – predicted to score 118.5 points by Yahoo, they scored 118.52. They drafted heavily from Rythm and Blues bands scattered across the country and showed that you can score a lot of points if everyone just shows up, doesn’t get injured, and does their thing. (Yes, that’s a reasonable long-term expectation). DeMarco “Polo” Murray (143 yards, TD, FUM) was the one man to exceed expectations. As for the Sultans… well, where do you start? The lowest score? The inability to notice Cam “Thank you Ma’am” Newton wasn’t playing week 1? Or the fact there was a 16-point swing in the DEF position alone sitting on their bench? OK, it’s fair to ask who would’ve played the Houston D over the Seattle D, but I’m trying to make a point here – and that is, the Sultans are cursed. Yes, cursed. A three-legged bunny in Redlands better start hopping coz the Sultans are after you.
Good first week, all. On to round 2. Please remember* to review status reports (*unless you’re playing the Koalas).