Week 8

Hard to believe we’re in the second half of the FF season already. For some of us it’s been like a bad dream. For others it’s like getting a new Ferrari full of skittles every Sunday. Either way, time is quickly running out to ‘make a move’…

Festivus Miracles (106) def Gnomes (95)

This season the Miracles have been the gift that keep on giving – giving out PAIN. This week was no different, with Fat Cat Matt Ryan (297 yards, 3 TDs) belting out showtunes on the fence without a care in the world. The Gnomes threw as many shoes as they could, but not even Tom Dude Looks Like A Brady (330 yards, 4 TDs) could connect with a clean hit. The league is looking more and more for a ‘December Surprise’ as their only chance against this domination…

Not Lucky or Good (144) def Auto Draft Kings (68)

Even with a goose-egg on the menu, the Luckies made out like a jovial waiter as they casually served up the Auto Drafters’ head on a platter. The dish was carried by the ever casual Aaron The Artful Dodger Rodgers (306 yards, 4 TDs, 2-PNT) who managed to put his personal painful loss aside to at least help his fantasy team win. The Auto Draft Kings might have appreciated the graceful delivery of their meal more if it hadn’t been their own severed head. It’s unclear if they can Frankenstein their way out of this one…

Schadenfreude (97) def El Sereno Chica (77)

The feeling of schadenfreude (joy at the suffering of others) felt by the Schadenfreude this week was off the charts. I’m talking Elvis Presley ‘Blue Schadenfreude Shoes’ off the charts, with Andrew Dalton Gang (305 yards, 2 TDs, FUM, INT) showing that he CAN catch a rabbit. The Chica’s woeful season continues and they are fast finding themselves in a sadly competitive race for the worst team in the league. Not even Derek Take Me Driving In Your Car Carr (526 yards, 4 TDs, FUM) could lift their spirits.

Northern Aggression (136) def Platypus Power (97)

The Aggressors went north to Alaska, going north coz the rush was on, with two RBs scoring over 20 points… but it was actually Carson Sugar Mama Palmer (363 yards, 3 TDs, INT, FUM) who bankrolled the whole venture. They were, however, kept warm on their journey by the Platypus pelt hats they wore like some kind of Crocodile Dundee Crockett fella. The Platypusses ability to encourage and improve others is becoming legendary, as they slowly build a lead in the Points Against category.

Week 9 beckons, and I can’t help but see her holding a shiny boning knife. Again.

Week 7

Well, obviously another week taught me nothing. Here’s the back-to-back barely-kinda-not-really-on-time write-up…

Festivus Miracles (123) def Northern Aggression (103)

Wow, so this is what a TEAM effort looks like. A bit like Animal House, no Miracle player managed to escape their teens, though Spencer “B” Ware (131 yards, TD) did get rather close. The Aggressors gambled big on Cat on a Matt Forte (154 yards, 2 TDs, FUM) but the rest of the team basically choked on a furball. After 7 weeks, the Miracles have amassed 150 points more than anyone else – it’s going to be tough to take them down.

Not Lucky or Good (113) def Gnomes (107)

The Not Luckies continue to take the sarcastic use of their name to the outer limits of decorum as they carefully wrote out their own destiny with bold letters and a LeGarrett Blount Pencil (134 yards, 2 TDs). The Gnomes were in with a huge chance this week but their stubby little arms just couldn’t reach high enough, not even while they were standing on the shoulders of Melvin ‘Commissioner’ Gordon (121 yards, 3 TDs). The Gnomes are not Batman, though the Luckies could be the Joker…

El Sereno Chica (108) def Auto Draft Kings (79)

The Chica Chicas went boom boom this week, bouncing the increasingly hapless Auto Drafters out of the park with a series of dance moves that ended with a T.Y. Not-Relation-To-Paris Hilton (133 yards, TD) double spin. The Auto Drafters continued their tradition of NOT putting their best QB into the game, but it was pretty clear that not even a Tuesday morning mulligan could have helped them this week.

Two Off the Top (120) def Platypus Power (86)

When you get dealt a 6 of hearts and a 9 of clubs, you might think ‘fold’. But then the Two off the Top come in as another two 9’s and suddenly you’re sitting pretty with a jaywalking Jay Ajayi (216 yards, TD) thumbing his nose at the crossing guard. It helps, of course, if you’re playing a lame duck-billed platypus with a bum leg, half an eye, and their best two players on the bench.

Week 8 has already started. Let’s see how this one turns out…

Week 6

Well, the first game of week 7 has started, but as long as this gets posted before that game ends, it’s still technically a summary, right?  😐

Festivus Miracles (136) def Not Lucky or Good (108)

The Miracles continue to live up to their name, pulling rabbits, RBs, and even Breezy QBs (465 yards, 4 TDs, INT) out of their bright red Santa hat without a care in the world. And, while the Not Luckies finally found their Odell Beckham Jr (222 yards, 2 TDs, FUM) – he was stuck behind some cushions in the couch – it wasn’t enough to challenge this week. The league is going to need a miracle to STOP the Miracles…

El Sereno Chica (79) def Gnomes (77)

The Chicas brought their one-trick-pony to the party – LeSean “Boy oh boy” McCoy (142 yards, 3 TDs) – and pranced around on the top of the tables like the Lone Ranger. Sadly, the Gnomes were stuck in their seatbelt-optioned high chairs and not even the lockpick / football-pump-needle wielded by Long Tom Brady (378 yards, 3 TDs) could get them out. The horseshoe marks to the forehead will take a while to fade.

Northern Aggression (108) def Two off the Top (74)

The Aggressors sure like the honk of a Gronk (162 yards, TD) in full flight, and I think we can all agree that he’s finally flying south for the winter… if you define “south” as “through the opposition defense like butter”. There was much less to be happy about from the Two Toppers, though Ezekiel “Phone Home” Elliott (174 yards) sure gave it his all. This loss sends them to the bottom of the table, sparking intense debate whether they’ll rename themselves to Seven Off the Top.

Platypus Power (127) def Auto Draft Kings (69)

The Platypus’s power is green, renewable and from Dutch design, because it comes via a Lamar Wind-Miller (178 yards, 2 TDs) – a workhorse who grinds wheat into flour by spinning around in circles. A lot. The Auto Draft Kings did themselves no favors with FOUR players in the 20+ range on the bench, and their lowest scoring QB on the field. If it weren’t for Brandin Cooks In the Kitchen (175 yards, TD), things could have gotten really ugly. Like Hell Boy With Bad Hair ugly.

I see it’s approaching half time on Thursday Night Football, and the stats for the Platypus players on the field are looking decidedly pathetic, so it’s time for me to vamoose before the odd feeling of having a decent FF team disappears completely.

Week 5

Busy times in the “day job” this week, so just a quick write-up today…

Festivus Miracles (148) def El Sereno Chica (81)

If this were a running race, it’d be like Usain Bolt lining up against Mickey Rooney – entertaining to watch but never in doubt. A blistering game for David Johnson (185 yards, 2 TDs) sealed it, though the Chicas had FOUR players with zero points this week – implying they were either attempting an ill-advised rope-a-dope tactic, or they were suffering from a (hopefully temporary) complete inability to read a calendar.

Auto Draft Kings (113) def Two off the top (86)

The Auto Drafters have 3 QBs to choose from and this week, finally, they picked the best one  – Phillip Sold-Up-The Rivers (359 yards, 4 TDS, 2 INTs). It’s not clear if this was on purpose or “third time’s a charm”, but they’ll take the win. I’m not sure what cards the Two Top Ones were hoping for, but a 3 of hearts and an Ezekiel Elliott (171 yards, 2 TDs) simply wasn’t enough.

Not Lucky or Good (113) def Northern Aggression (105)

The Luckies brought the good goods (as opposed to the bad, dodgy and mediocre goods) to this week’s game, with the eye-liner on Amari “Alice” Cooper (138 yards, TD, 2-PNT) being a particularly effective intimidation tactic. The Aggressors ran up the clock – Big Ben (380 yards, 4 TDs, FUM) – but then it struck one… and the Aggressors ran down… Hickory Dickory Loss.

Gnomes (121) def Platypus Power (87)

The Gnomes finally managed to pick the lock on the cage holding Tom “You won’t like me when I’m angry” Brady (420 yards, 3 TDs), and the results were not pretty… especially if you happened to be semiaquatic egg-laying mammal in the general vicinity. Not that it mattered much – the Kiss of the Spider Platypus had already been applied to much of the team – one IR, a concussion, two high-ankle sprains, and a groin.

Mark your calendars – football start tonight!

Week 4

The Yahoo predictions this were very tight this week, with less than 2 points separating teams in 3 of the 4 matches. This did not hold true in all cases…

Gnomes (132) def Soggy Lettuce (130)

This was the first win for beleagured Gnomes and boy did they have to earn it. They sweated and grunted and gave 100% to the game, leaving absolutely nothing on the table (or the bench, for that matter), and they still only managed to win by a couple of points. It was bit like watching the Keystone Cops play football – the team was fast, numerous, and energetic, but you kept waiting for them to fall on their face and not get up again. But, in the end, it was Hustle-and-Bustle Russell Wilson (304 yards, 3 TDs) who got them there. The Soggy Lettuces tried everything they could. They flopped their cold, wet wings over croutons, they stuck to the edge of the salad bowl, and they even rolled up into a ball of green mush in the dishwasher, but all to no avail. With three players scoring in the 20’s, the Soggy Lettuces will have take solace that players like Blake “The Pipe Snake” Bortles (243 yards, 3 TDs) have at least kept the plumbing unclogged for next week.

Northern Aggression (79) def Auto Draft Kings (72)

When a team remains undefeated – despite all indications to the contrary – we must ask ourselves how many sacrificial chickens have died to further this man’s career? How many effigy’s have been burned? How many pawless rabbits hobble about in the woods around his home? How else can we explain that, even with a top scoring London Clock QB on the bench, they can pull off the win with nothing but an Air Jordan Reed (73 yards, 2 TDs)? To be fair, the ADK-47’s do have to take some responsibility for their loss. With 3 QBs on their roster to choose from, they picked the only one who could lose them the matchup. This week not even Carlos Run-And Hyde (79 yards, TD) wanted to be around the locker room, especially after all the player’s hairbrushes had been mysteriously stripped of hair strands earlier in the week.

El Serno Chica (132) def Not Lucky or Good (96)

The El Sereno Chica’s also picked up their first win this week with the same score as the Gnomes.  A more skeptical man might brush this off as pure chance, but I am not that man. Nope, it’s obvious the Illuminati are at work here as this “coincidence” pushes the working-class Platypus heroes to the bottom of the table! The Chicas have reportedly been seen wearing a large maroon hoody and speaking in Latin with Julio “Smith / Brown” Jones (300 yards, TD) behind the Lincoln Memorial. Be afraid, people – afraid like the Not Lucky or Goods, who have just found out what happens when you get in the way of a shadowy organization dedicated to winning low profile, money-less fanasty football matches around the nation. The Not Goods were lucky, however, that the Illuminati are big Star Trek fans, so they at least allowed Captain Kirk Cousins (183 yards, 3 TDs, INT) to play his natural game.

Festivus Miracles (144) def Platypus Power (90)

Believe it or not, this match was actually meant to be close, with the BeaverDucks favored to win by 0.64 points. However, with Miracles falling from the sky like raindrops in Seattle, the Festivus’s ended up with three players in the 20’s – foremost amongst them being Michael “Row the boat ashore” Crabtree (88 yards, 3 TDs) – and another truly dominating performance. It’s possible that these easy wins will lull the Miracles into a false sense of security, but I doubt it. As for the BeaverDucks, they were left sitting on their eggs, wondering what the <bleep> their ancestors had done wrong to send them down this dead-end evolutionary tree. Even Cam Wham-Bam Newton (195 yards, TD, 2-PNT, concussion) was left rubbing his head in befuddlement.

Week 5 approaches soon – is your DNA in good order?

Week 3

Yes, this report is a little tardy… but you have to understand that when you get smacked down as far as yours truly did over the weekend, well, it can take you a while to get back up again…

Festivus Miracles (125) def Soggy Lettuce (105)

The Miracles were like Quasimodo this week. They figured they could use each end of the bell-curve – 4 players above 20 points and the rest with 8 points or fewer – and still pull off the win. They were right. With Drew “Swinging in the” Brees hard at work as usual (376 yards, 3 TDs, INT), it was a pleasant weekend in the belltower. Meanwhile, out on the midden heap behind the belltower, the Soggy Lettuces were in full self-flagellation mode as they left their top scorer on the bench and now have to live with the New England Defense (2 sacks, INT, 2 FUM) bragging about their contribution. The only question left is, will some time in the fridge ‘crisp them up’ for next week?

Auto Draft Kings (112) def Gnomes (99)

The Auto-Drafters kept rollin’, rollin’ rollin’, though the streams were swollen. They kept those doggies rolling, with Carlos “Raw” Hyde (105 yards, 2 TDS, 2-PNT). They don’t try to understand them, they just rope, throw, and brand ’em. And, at 2-and-1, why would they do anything else. The Gnomes, on the other hand, keep trying to understand everything and, as such, are swiftly emerging as the Tyrion of our Game of Football Thrones. They’re smart, sneaky, bold, and yet always seem to be struggling to survive under someone else’s boot. Oh, and they’re short. If it wasn’t for the ongoing goodness of “Be like” Mike Evans (132 yads, TD), they might’ve thrown themselves into the dinner bowl of a dragon weeks ago in despair.

Northern Aggression (106) def El Sereno Chica (102)

In the closest match of the week, the Aggressors From The North put all their faith – and I mean ALL of it – on to the swift, wiggling hips of Marvin “Not a Martian” Jones Jr (205 yards, 2 TDs). The one-man-plan was so effective they didn’t even need to resort to the illudium Q-36 explosive space modulator. You see, it turned out that the Chicas had packed for summer fantasy sports, rather than fall, because how else could you explain the use of Rashard Jennings (a great croquet player, but an injured football player) rather than, well, pretty much anyone else from the bench. This was an opportunity lost for the Chicas – who remain winless – and a gift horse with its mouth closed for the Aggressors.

Not Lucky or Good (151) def Platypus Power (71)

I finally figured out the Not Lucky or Good’s name. It actually relates to a double-negative-set-theory approach known as “Lucky AND Good”. Dammit. Top score came from the Dracula-inspired “I vont a” Devonta Freeman (207 yards, TD) but there were plenty of other points lollygagging around the locker room after the game. After a shaky first game, these set-theorists truly love to Venn! (Read with the Dracula accent, it’ll help). As a reporter, I’d really like to explain how the Platypus Power left a player on the bench (Kansas D, 35 points) who literally, categorically, and 100% mathematically scored more than half of the rest of the team combined… but I simply cannot believe their excuse that “there’s something fundamentally wrong with the universe”. Perhaps next week, when they take their 1.6 point projected advantage over the league leading Miracles into battle, the universe will swing back to equilibrium.

Football begins again tonight. Are you ready?

Week 2

The second week is done and we have two teams left undefeated – The Miracles and The Aggressors – and two teams yet to get their first win – the Gnomes and The Chicas. For one of these teams, the universe is not being kind…

Northern Aggression (144) def Gnomes (128)

In many ways it was the brother-to-brother matchup we wanted – high stakes, big points, and bragging rights – but unfortunately the drama was missing after a simply outstanding Thursday night performance by the North. Yep, as soon as Matt “Gandalf-the-Grey” Forte conjured up 109 yards and 3 TDs, it was always going to be an uphill battle for the itty-bitty legs of the Gnomes to close the gap. Not even a grand performance by Travis “Private” Benjamin (115 yards, 2 TDs) could help. Now that the Gnomes have played (and lost to) the two juggernaut teams, they can turn their angry eyes to the rest of the league. As for his brother, luckily there will be a rematch later in the season and not even Goodell (in his bunker) will be able to keep Brady out of that game.

Festivus Miracles (126) def Auto Draft Kings (88)

They say that miracles don’t happen every day, but Festivus is here to say that “they” are wrong. The ability of the team manager to choose players who score points consistently (and ruthlessly throw them on the scrapheap when they don’t) is becoming the stuff of legend. This week they didn’t even bother with a star player, instead bringing in the entire Arizona Defense (3 sacks, 4 INTs, FUM, TD) to score some points. The Auto Draft Kings (formerly known as the Sultans) responded by tallying the low score of the season. With their top scorer (Rivers) on the bench, and the best player award going to a kicker (Graham Gano, 4 FG, 4 PAT), it was not quite the behavior one expects from royalty. At least if they keep their eyes tightly closed they will be “the king of all they survey”.

Not Lucky or Good (117) def Rushing the Growler (97)

Well, first up, it’s clear that the Luckies are lying to us. Either they pulled out this win through careful planning and good personnel, or they just lucked out – there is no third way. Regardless of the road to victory, the win simply could not have been sweeter because it was the D of their beloved Broncos who pulled in the top score for the team (5 sacks, INT, FUM, 2 TDs). The Growlers have… less… to be pleased about, with so many lackluster performances on hand that it felt like there’d been a total eclipse of their heart (and their brain). And if it weren’t for the sterling work of Kelvin “Also a Private” Benjamin, things could have been much worse.

Platypus Power (112) def El Sereno Chica (101)

The Platypusses earned their first win, thanks almost solely to the efforts of Cam “I wear odd hats” Newton (390 yards, 4 TDs, FUM). When you’re a mammal that lays eggs, you take what you can get. There is, of course, still some silent screaming to be blocked out after their second-round draft pick, Adrian Peterson, was carried off the field (through a bar) with a suspected “buggered-up knee”, but if fantasy football teaches you anything it’s that it’s better to watch from the couch than it is to have a giant linesman land on you. Meanwhile, the screaming the Chica’s locker room was loud, angry, and laced with just a hint of despair. Only Derek “Take me driving in my car” Carr (335 yards, TD, 2 2-PNTs) was spared from the tirade as the Chicas cursed the business trip they’d been sent on for Draft Day, the Yahoo ranking system that left her with the lowest scoring team in the league, and every single element of the Giants running game.

Now that we’re heading into week 3, any losses can start being classified as “trends”. No pressure, people.