Week 4

The Yahoo predictions this were very tight this week, with less than 2 points separating teams in 3 of the 4 matches. This did not hold true in all cases…

Gnomes (132) def Soggy Lettuce (130)

This was the first win for beleagured Gnomes and boy did they have to earn it. They sweated and grunted and gave 100% to the game, leaving absolutely nothing on the table (or the bench, for that matter), and they still only managed to win by a couple of points. It was bit like watching the Keystone Cops play football – the team was fast, numerous, and energetic, but you kept waiting for them to fall on their face and not get up again. But, in the end, it was Hustle-and-Bustle Russell Wilson (304 yards, 3 TDs) who got them there. The Soggy Lettuces tried everything they could. They flopped their cold, wet wings over croutons, they stuck to the edge of the salad bowl, and they even rolled up into a ball of green mush in the dishwasher, but all to no avail. With three players scoring in the 20’s, the Soggy Lettuces will have take solace that players like Blake “The Pipe Snake” Bortles (243 yards, 3 TDs) have at least kept the plumbing unclogged for next week.

Northern Aggression (79) def Auto Draft Kings (72)

When a team remains undefeated – despite all indications to the contrary – we must ask ourselves how many sacrificial chickens have died to further this man’s career? How many effigy’s have been burned? How many pawless rabbits hobble about in the woods around his home? How else can we explain that, even with a top scoring London Clock QB on the bench, they can pull off the win with nothing but an Air Jordan Reed (73 yards, 2 TDs)? To be fair, the ADK-47’s do have to take some responsibility for their loss. With 3 QBs on their roster to choose from, they picked the only one who could lose them the matchup. This week not even Carlos Run-And Hyde (79 yards, TD) wanted to be around the locker room, especially after all the player’s hairbrushes had been mysteriously stripped of hair strands earlier in the week.

El Serno Chica (132) def Not Lucky or Good (96)

The El Sereno Chica’s also picked up their first win this week with the same score as the Gnomes.  A more skeptical man might brush this off as pure chance, but I am not that man. Nope, it’s obvious the Illuminati are at work here as this “coincidence” pushes the working-class Platypus heroes to the bottom of the table! The Chicas have reportedly been seen wearing a large maroon hoody and speaking in Latin with Julio “Smith / Brown” Jones (300 yards, TD) behind the Lincoln Memorial. Be afraid, people – afraid like the Not Lucky or Goods, who have just found out what happens when you get in the way of a shadowy organization dedicated to winning low profile, money-less fanasty football matches around the nation. The Not Goods were lucky, however, that the Illuminati are big Star Trek fans, so they at least allowed Captain Kirk Cousins (183 yards, 3 TDs, INT) to play his natural game.

Festivus Miracles (144) def Platypus Power (90)

Believe it or not, this match was actually meant to be close, with the BeaverDucks favored to win by 0.64 points. However, with Miracles falling from the sky like raindrops in Seattle, the Festivus’s ended up with three players in the 20’s – foremost amongst them being Michael “Row the boat ashore” Crabtree (88 yards, 3 TDs) – and another truly dominating performance. It’s possible that these easy wins will lull the Miracles into a false sense of security, but I doubt it. As for the BeaverDucks, they were left sitting on their eggs, wondering what the <bleep> their ancestors had done wrong to send them down this dead-end evolutionary tree. Even Cam Wham-Bam Newton (195 yards, TD, 2-PNT, concussion) was left rubbing his head in befuddlement.

Week 5 approaches soon – is your DNA in good order?


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