Yes, this report is a little tardy… but you have to understand that when you get smacked down as far as yours truly did over the weekend, well, it can take you a while to get back up again…
Festivus Miracles (125) def Soggy Lettuce (105)
The Miracles were like Quasimodo this week. They figured they could use each end of the bell-curve – 4 players above 20 points and the rest with 8 points or fewer – and still pull off the win. They were right. With Drew “Swinging in the” Brees hard at work as usual (376 yards, 3 TDs, INT), it was a pleasant weekend in the belltower. Meanwhile, out on the midden heap behind the belltower, the Soggy Lettuces were in full self-flagellation mode as they left their top scorer on the bench and now have to live with the New England Defense (2 sacks, INT, 2 FUM) bragging about their contribution. The only question left is, will some time in the fridge ‘crisp them up’ for next week?
Auto Draft Kings (112) def Gnomes (99)
The Auto-Drafters kept rollin’, rollin’ rollin’, though the streams were swollen. They kept those doggies rolling, with Carlos “Raw” Hyde (105 yards, 2 TDS, 2-PNT). They don’t try to understand them, they just rope, throw, and brand ’em. And, at 2-and-1, why would they do anything else. The Gnomes, on the other hand, keep trying to understand everything and, as such, are swiftly emerging as the Tyrion of our Game of Football Thrones. They’re smart, sneaky, bold, and yet always seem to be struggling to survive under someone else’s boot. Oh, and they’re short. If it wasn’t for the ongoing goodness of “Be like” Mike Evans (132 yads, TD), they might’ve thrown themselves into the dinner bowl of a dragon weeks ago in despair.
Northern Aggression (106) def El Sereno Chica (102)
In the closest match of the week, the Aggressors From The North put all their faith – and I mean ALL of it – on to the swift, wiggling hips of Marvin “Not a Martian” Jones Jr (205 yards, 2 TDs). The one-man-plan was so effective they didn’t even need to resort to the illudium Q-36 explosive space modulator. You see, it turned out that the Chicas had packed for summer fantasy sports, rather than fall, because how else could you explain the use of Rashard Jennings (a great croquet player, but an injured football player) rather than, well, pretty much anyone else from the bench. This was an opportunity lost for the Chicas – who remain winless – and a gift horse with its mouth closed for the Aggressors.
Not Lucky or Good (151) def Platypus Power (71)
I finally figured out the Not Lucky or Good’s name. It actually relates to a double-negative-set-theory approach known as “Lucky AND Good”. Dammit. Top score came from the Dracula-inspired “I vont a” Devonta Freeman (207 yards, TD) but there were plenty of other points lollygagging around the locker room after the game. After a shaky first game, these set-theorists truly love to Venn! (Read with the Dracula accent, it’ll help). As a reporter, I’d really like to explain how the Platypus Power left a player on the bench (Kansas D, 35 points) who literally, categorically, and 100% mathematically scored more than half of the rest of the team combined… but I simply cannot believe their excuse that “there’s something fundamentally wrong with the universe”. Perhaps next week, when they take their 1.6 point projected advantage over the league leading Miracles into battle, the universe will swing back to equilibrium.
Football begins again tonight. Are you ready?