Week 2

The second week is done and we have two teams left undefeated – The Miracles and The Aggressors – and two teams yet to get their first win – the Gnomes and The Chicas. For one of these teams, the universe is not being kind…

Northern Aggression (144) def Gnomes (128)

In many ways it was the brother-to-brother matchup we wanted – high stakes, big points, and bragging rights – but unfortunately the drama was missing after a simply outstanding Thursday night performance by the North. Yep, as soon as Matt “Gandalf-the-Grey” Forte conjured up 109 yards and 3 TDs, it was always going to be an uphill battle for the itty-bitty legs of the Gnomes to close the gap. Not even a grand performance by Travis “Private” Benjamin (115 yards, 2 TDs) could help. Now that the Gnomes have played (and lost to) the two juggernaut teams, they can turn their angry eyes to the rest of the league. As for his brother, luckily there will be a rematch later in the season and not even Goodell (in his bunker) will be able to keep Brady out of that game.

Festivus Miracles (126) def Auto Draft Kings (88)

They say that miracles don’t happen every day, but Festivus is here to say that “they” are wrong. The ability of the team manager to choose players who score points consistently (and ruthlessly throw them on the scrapheap when they don’t) is becoming the stuff of legend. This week they didn’t even bother with a star player, instead bringing in the entire Arizona Defense (3 sacks, 4 INTs, FUM, TD) to score some points. The Auto Draft Kings (formerly known as the Sultans) responded by tallying the low score of the season. With their top scorer (Rivers) on the bench, and the best player award going to a kicker (Graham Gano, 4 FG, 4 PAT), it was not quite the behavior one expects from royalty. At least if they keep their eyes tightly closed they will be “the king of all they survey”.

Not Lucky or Good (117) def Rushing the Growler (97)

Well, first up, it’s clear that the Luckies are lying to us. Either they pulled out this win through careful planning and good personnel, or they just lucked out – there is no third way. Regardless of the road to victory, the win simply could not have been sweeter because it was the D of their beloved Broncos who pulled in the top score for the team (5 sacks, INT, FUM, 2 TDs). The Growlers have… less… to be pleased about, with so many lackluster performances on hand that it felt like there’d been a total eclipse of their heart (and their brain). And if it weren’t for the sterling work of Kelvin “Also a Private” Benjamin, things could have been much worse.

Platypus Power (112) def El Sereno Chica (101)

The Platypusses earned their first win, thanks almost solely to the efforts of Cam “I wear odd hats” Newton (390 yards, 4 TDs, FUM). When you’re a mammal that lays eggs, you take what you can get. There is, of course, still some silent screaming to be blocked out after their second-round draft pick, Adrian Peterson, was carried off the field (through a bar) with a suspected “buggered-up knee”, but if fantasy football teaches you anything it’s that it’s better to watch from the couch than it is to have a giant linesman land on you. Meanwhile, the screaming the Chica’s locker room was loud, angry, and laced with just a hint of despair. Only Derek “Take me driving in my car” Carr (335 yards, TD, 2 2-PNTs) was spared from the tirade as the Chicas cursed the business trip they’d been sent on for Draft Day, the Yahoo ranking system that left her with the lowest scoring team in the league, and every single element of the Giants running game.

Now that we’re heading into week 3, any losses can start being classified as “trends”. No pressure, people.


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