Week 1

They say that every journey begins with a single step. This weekend, some of us leapt forward like charging lions. Others tiptoed delicately ahead, guiding our precious bare feet through the tulips. Either way, the season has begun, and the blood on your claws (or petals in your toes) is now something you have to live with for the rest of the season. Good luck to all!

Festivus Miracles (154) def Gnomes (126)

The two mega-brains of the league went head-to head in week one, and the matchup did not disappoint. With two of the top three scores for the week, their clash was mighty and brutal. In the end it was the Miracles who came out on top, their triple-pronged attack of 25+ point players – Drew “Summer” Brees (424 yard, 4 TDs, FUM), “Michael” DeAngelo Williams (171 yards, 2 TDs), and Spencer “B” Ware (199 yards, TD) – was simply too much for the hardy Gnomes. The Miracles play in many leagues, but has been treating this one as their big-fish-small-pond world for some time now – can anyone bring them to heel? Well, obviously not the Gnomes (at least, not this week). They spread their point scoring out a little wider across the team but could not close the gap. While Antonio “Number One Pick, baby” Brown did his part (126 yards, 2 TDs), he was a giant standing alone amongst his gnomic teammates.

Sultans of Suck (127) def Not Lucky or Good (97)

The Sultans made a solid entrance this week, despite the team effectively being abandoned in the jungle and raised by wolves. Much like the Miracles, they (inadvertently) employed a three pronged attack with Andrew “Big” Luck (385 yards, 4 TDs), Brandin Cooks “In the Kitchen” (143 yards, 2 TDs), and Carlos “Leathery” Hyde (93 yards, 2 TDs) scoring two thirds of their points. It’s expected that the Sultans will become more directly involved in the day-to-day lives of their subjects in the next few weeks, but they certainly can’t complain about how the eunuchs took care of the first week. As for the Luckies, it seems that as their name gets more seasons under its belt, more of the intended irony is drained from it. The team looked competitive on paper but only “Le Baron” Aaron Rodgers (215 yards, 3 TDs) proved himself worthy in week one. As minor favorites heading into next week, hope remains that the team will learn terms like “satire” and “sarcasm” and “I’m kidding with the name, guys”.

Rushing the Growler (112) def El Sereno Chica (98)

The Growler was well and truly rushed this week. Yep, there’s nothing quite like a bucket of warm sudsy beer to make your entire weekend both memorable AND forgettable. The Growlers completely ignored their Yahoo-implied underdog status and threw a little green (AJ Green, to be precise) at their problem, and a mere 180 yards and a TD later, they had the win. The Chicas tried to counter with some Ben “of the Big Boots” Roethisberger action (298 yards, 3 TDs, INT) but there’s only so much a team can do when the bulk of them are still chasing Pokémon around the locker rooms – damned Millennials. While there was a single WR switch-from-the-bench that could have won them the game (Mathews for Marshall), I’m pretty sure the Chicas are still sleeping fine, knowing that they played the odds like a sane person would.

Northern Aggression (116) def Platypus Power (93)

The Aggressors burst out of the blocks thanks to the efforts of one very angry young man – CJ “Pamela” Anderson (139 yards, 2 TDs) – who outscored his predicted total by 17 points. Apparently CJ was not happy about the high-riding, bright red, one-suit he had to wear during training camp, and he brought all that angst and fire to opening week. Sure, he had to let a few people drown on the sidelines but sometimes that’s what heroes have to do in order to win. The Platypusses, meanwhile, relied too heavily on their weird beaver-duck appearance to distract their opponent (rather than playing football) and when Adrien “Momma Duck” Peterson snuck off home to check the eggs, well, it all fell apart. In fact, the only bragging rights they have is “the highest scoring bench in football”. This team is going to need to pick up their game to be competitive…

So… maybe your first step was a good one, or maybe you twisted an ankle and stepped into a giant pile of fresh elephant dung, but the beauty of the game is that you get to shake it off and try to step forward again this weekend. The game is indeed… on!



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