This was the week of emphatic wins. If you won, you won big. If you lost, well, at least it was merciful.
Da Gnomes (124) def Deflated Expectation (91)
T’was the week before Christmas, and all through the league, not a creature was stirring, except for… FLASH-AAHH! Wow, talk about shock and awe. No-one suspected that the Gnomes were just a tan trench-coat (and a theme song) away from taking control of the league, and yet here they are. What’s scary is that they actually tried to lose, with 3 of their 4 top scores on the bench, but when you’ve got this much power under the hood, you just need to show a little Sammy Long-Legs Watkins (111 yards, 2 TDs) and all is well. The Expectations, after a season of proving otherwise, finally have a reason to feel deflated. Their domination of this league has been impressive but now they’ll need to wait – him and Julio Jones down by the school yard (118 yards TD) – at least 12 more months before they can show us all how it’s done… again.
El Sereno Chica (169) def Not Lucky or Good (125)
Yowser. Have the Chicas been sandbagging the entire season? Have they been lying in wait like a Crouching Tiger holding a loaded 30-caliber Hidden Dragon in their furry claws? They were certainly holding on to something as they unleashed a fierce and feisty King David Johnson (229 yards, 3 TDs) upon the No-So-Luckies for the second highest score of the season… and spot in the final against FLASH-AAHH. As for the Not Lucky or Good’s, they were only half-right about their name. They’ve been good. Quite good, in fact. But their luck has been suspect and not even The Real Russell Wilson (295 yards, 3 TDs) can deny that they are now sporting a dragon-shaped hole right through their center mass. They will need to patch it up with some gauze when they take on the Expectations for 3rd spot this coming week.
Rushing the Growler (144) def Sultans of Suck (74)
Some minor modifications were made – a wider spout, an extra handle, a maple leaf emblem at the base – and suddenly the Growler wasn’t being rushed anymore. Au contraire, it was being lovingly caressed as cool amber liquid cascaded down gently to fill the holder’s belly with delicious hops and barley. Even Blake Take the Cake Bortles (341 yards, 2 TDs, INT) managed to finish his with only a few drops spilled, and he’s not known for his fine dining etiquette. Meanwhile, out in the hot sands, the Sultans were like a one-legged insane blind lizard hunting for bugs – confused, angry, and hungry. Really hungry. In fact, a regularly scheduled checkup discovered they had were suffering from a rare case of not enough Brandin Cooks (124 yards, TD) in the kitchen, and they should either do something about it or go join little Oliver Twist at the end of the line. This takes their losing streak to 11. It’s a joy to watch.
Northern Aggression (144) def Killer Koalas (92)
Before coming out to play, the Aggressors poked themselves in an eye with a blunt stick, smacked their faces with a frozen tuna (still in the can), and dropped a half-empty flagon of rum on their left foot… and it worked a treat. Angry, aggressive, and smelling just a little bit like fish, the Aggressors tore apart their furry competitors through Don’t Spare the Tyrod Taylor (314 yards, 2 TDs, 2-PNT). Stuck in the lower half of the field, they will need to out-growl the Growlers for 5th place. The Koalas played this week in much the same manner as the rest of the season – meekly, demurely, and, most of all, fluffily. Every week the Yahoo predictions have given them a shot, and every week they’ve under-performed to the point that even ultimate competitors like Drew Brees (352 yards, 3 TDs) would rather tear a plantar fascia than be associated with the team. Their only hope for glory now seems to be the ones who break the Sultans insane losing streak.
The Grand Final round is already in progress (technical issues with WordPress on the weekend), but the overall winner is still in play tonight.