Final round of the regular season… and the top 4 were decided.
Da Gnomes (136) def Sultans of Suck (93)
This was an emphatic grab for 4th spot by the Gnomes, and a well-deserved finals spot for the team with the second-most points of the season. Especially happy, and returning fresh from filming a scene with Meg Ryan was “Oh, Dell” Beckham Jr (166 yards, 2 TDs), who topped 20 points for the 3rd week in a row. On the flip side were the Sultans, who maintained their fanatical dedication to a losing streak that’s grown to be the worst in living memory – 8 in a row! This run has moved them from a league leading 5-and-1 near the halfway point, all the way down to last at 5-and-9 at the end of regular season. The result reputedly left Eddie wiping away his tears on his Lacey handkerchief (148 yards, TD).
Rushing the Growler (116) def Northern Aggression (99)
Wave upon wave of amber liquid spilled down their chins as they chugged a giant vat of boutique beer at speeds well beyond the design limits of their gullets… but the Growlers cared not. And for those after a drink with a bit more oompf, there was also plenty of Hot Toddy Gurley (147 yards, 2 TDs) to be had. The Aggressors foolishly gave Dougy Baldwin (26 points) the weekend off and struggled without him. The top scorer by a hair was A-OK-J Green (132 yards, TD)… All in all, it seems that the Aggressors simply moved too far north this season – too much chill upon the mustache and not enough fire in the belly. Both teams, however, find themselves in the consolation side of the finals for the next two weeks…
Not Lucky or Good (123) def El Sereno Chica (86)
It seems nothing pleases the Football Gods more than a self-effacing contender, who always gives 110%, takes it one week at a time, and is just happy to contribute to the team. This win was the SIXTH in a row for the Not Luckies and (after a 1538-to-1526 total points tie-breaker) moved them into 2nd place overall for the season. Even with a top-scorer on the bench (Hi Russell), there was more than enough from Cam Newtonian Physics (269 yards, 3 TDs) to cover the difference. The Chicas might need to be worried heading into the finals, with a double-goose-egg this week, very few points on the bench, and a “top dog” in the form of an angry corgi called Doug-The-Dog Martin (86 yards, TD). The first round of the finals next week is a rematch of this game…
Deflated Expectations (110) def Killer Koalas (88)
This year’s regular season winner (and an alarming trend) was the Deflated Expectations. While several reports have come suggesting that they’ve been playing fiddle down in Georgia with an unidentified “tipster”, it’s important to remember that these remain unconfirmed and the rest of the league should refrain from throwing holy water on him in meetings. It’s unprofessional and just makes a mess. The shut-out by the Carolina D (plus 5 sacks, 2 INTs, and 2 FUMs) was instrumental in this win. As for the Koalas, they went back to the 80’s only to find no-one was there waiting for them. It’s been an abysmal year for the furry marsupials, who have shown lots of fur but very little claw. They crept into 7th spot only because the Sultans wanted last spot even more.
The Finals begin. Can the Expectations be stopped? Will the Growlers change their name again? Can the Sultans get to a 10-game losing streak? All these questions and more will be answered… soon.