There were anabolic steroids sprinkled on top of Cheerios all over the country this week as FF points went through the roof – only one team scored under 100, and four teams scored over 130!
Not Lucky or Good (141) def Deflated Expectation (134)
The Battle of the Smackless was a doozy. Despite being gently poked multiple times by a wiffle stick that smelled vaguely like chicken and biscuits, the Luckies refused to engage in any kind of smack talk. Instead they focused on amassing the kind of point total that sucks the air right out of the room, and no-one sucks air like Cam “Dyson” Newton after pulling in (380 yards, 5 TDs, INT). The Expectations weren’t too upset. They, too, scored big points through Glorious Javorius Allen (170 yards, TD) and have locked in either first or second place for the finals. Their wiffle stick is reputedly being reinforced with metal rebar for the remainder of the season….
Rushing the Growler (115) def Sultans of Suck (89)
Never get between a Canadian and his growler, and I don’t mean the large container of Labatt Blue tethered permanently to their hip. Nope, I mean the hairy, 300-lb, forest dwelling pet they affectionally call “Big Ben The Bear” Roethlisberger (377 yards, 4 TDs, 2-PNT). The Sultans may have experienced some technical glitches over the weekend because, for the first time, they left an [Empty] defensive slot on their roster while a perfectly average option (Washington, 8-pnts) were on the bench wondering what they’d done to deserve such neglect. Not even the after-time-expired shot to the arm for Aaron Old Codger Rodgers (300 yards, 3 TDs, INT) could get them into contention this week…
El Sereno Chica (138) def Northern Aggression (121)
Like a cat burglar in dark pajamas and soft shoes, the Chicas have very quietly wandered up the league table and unlocked the door into the finals while everyone was looking at the wiffle stick. And no-one was more sneaky, more light on his feet, and more jiggly with the lock-pick than How Now Antonio Brown (118 yards, 3 TDs). It’s possible… maybe even likely… that the Aggressors were so caught up in patting themselves on the back for picking up Close to God Tyrod Taylor (239 yards, 4 TDs) that they missed the ninja-like shadow of the Chicas going by. However, they still remain mathematically in the hunt for a top four position, so all is not lost yet.
Da Gnomes (141) def Killer Koalas (105)
Despite the final result, there were times in this battle when the predictive score swung wildly in both directions. The Gnomes put an end to that nonsense through the extraordinary machinations of Tom Da Bomb Brady (329 yards, 36 REC yards, 4 TDs, 2 INTs) – a man who will surely be outed in the future as an early Terminator model that escaped the factory to play football. As for the Killer Koalas, they have emerged as the Duran Duran team of the season – able to win big in the 80’s but otherwise kind of lame, overfed, and creepy looking, and certainly NOT hungry like the wolf.
One more round to go. Believe it or not, everyone except the Sultans could still make the top 4…