El Sereno Chica (128) def Deflated Expectations (111)
The Chicas looked at the little undefeated run that the Expectations were on, and promptly broke their nose by smashing them in the face with an Antonio-Brown-shaped piece of lead pipe (139 yards, 2 TDs, 2-PNT). The Expectations have been squeezing their butt-cheeks for weeks now, but eventually flatulence, and deflation, catches up with everyone, even if Jeremy Set-Me-Free Langford’s effort (182 yards, 2 TDs) did smell like rose petals on a warm summer day.
Da Gnomes (103) def Cascade of Pushing (97)
The Cascaders asked the Gnomes to please stand up this week, to which they replied “we already are, you 5-foot-giraffe”. After a brief discussion on who’d be the best person to teach them some manners, Tom I’m-Not-Sorry Brady (343 yards, 2 TDs, INT) stepped up and promptly headbutted them in the groin. The only good news for the Cascaders was that Charcandrick “Kayne” West (161 yards, 2 TDs) was then able to hit the high notes easier.
Not Lucky or Good (130) def Sultans of Suck (118)
It seems that – just like Adrien “Rocky’s Girl” Peterson (216 yards, TD) – the Not Luckies… aren’t… quite… done… yet. The gauntlet was thrown, it sailed through the air, the metal links straightened, and the pinky finger poked the Sultan’s left eye completely out of its socket. Partially blinded, and already on the phone to their publicist stating that now their right side was their ‘good side’, the Sultans were left wondering why English was such a crap language – like, how could you EVER have too many Brandin Cooks (109 yards, 2 TDs) in the kitchen?
Northern Aggression (68) def Killer Koalas (66)
When you’re falling from a great height, nothing is more comfy to land on than a fluffy bear. Yes, despite doing everything in their power to maintain their losing streak, the Aggressors can blame, sorry thank, top scorer Marshawn Lynch (50 yards, TD) for a truly embarrassing win. The Koalas have hit rock bottom and, like all animals who’d last about eight seconds if attacked by a baby harp seal, they deserve their fate.
Sorry for tardy post. I will dock myself 15% of my FF journalistic wage and donate it to a local taxidermist charity.