Week 9

With eight teams either 5-and-4 or 4-and-5, this year’s FF season has turned the “bell curve” into the less-common-but-still-important-mathematical-curve-type known as the “flat dining table”. It also means that the season is still up for grabs…

Deflated Expectation (126) def Northern Aggression (98)

The W-4-in-a-row Expectations became the W-5-in-a-row Expectations this week, with another comfortable win. Two more wins and they’ll have beaten every team in the league in succession, and leave us all hoping they’re emulating the 2007/8 Patriots and saving their worst for last. Spokesman Beverly DeAngelo Williams (225 yards, 2 TDs, 2-PNT) said that everyone should be frightened of them because – quote – “no, the team was not going on vacation to Wally World”. In related statistics, the L-4-in-a-row Aggressors became the L-5-in-a-row Aggressors, and now the rest of the league is left asking questions such as “how low can they go?” and “will they find dinosaurs in the center of the earth?” Perhaps their leader LeGarrette Garrote-Me-Now Blount (129 yards, TD) will tell us.

El Sereno Chica (138) def Da Gnomes (136)

The Chica’s held on by the skin of their teeth for a narrow win over this year’s cursed-like-the-Black-Pearl team, Da Gnomes. Two big scores and points-o-plenty on both benches, so the embarrassment of player riches presumably made it both easier, and harder, to select their teams heading in. Victorious and bemused, Antonio Up-Town Brown (306 yards, FUM) spent the evening trying to figure out how he could basically run up and down the field three times and never score. The Gnomes, on the other hand, were defeated and confused, and no doubt left wondering who in the firetrucking universe they’d annoyed to score so many loss-filled points. This reporter doesn’t want to name names, but he did overhear Hedley Lamar Miller (141 yards, 2 TDs) making disparaging remarks about The Great Spaghetti Monster, and pasta in general for that matter, and even suggesting that the divine being should be assigned the role of Sheriff of Rock Ridge so the townfolk could “deal with the al dente fellow”. Never offend the Football Gods… or… The Great Spaghetti Monster.

Not Lucky or Good (142) def Cascade of Pushing (97)

Despite being at the bottom of the table, the Luckies feel on top the world with this week’s high score!  They’ve gotten back up to their feet, dusted themselves off, seen a break in the clouds and, yes, even turned a corner. Sure, Hot Damn Cam Newton (354 yards, 4 TDs, INT) remains secretly concerned that there might be a bus coming around that very same corner, aimed at the “Luckies” face, but for now he’s just enjoying the glorious rays of sunshine warming his lightly-bearded chin. The Pushers were pushing crud uphill this week. The low score of the round, a DEF with negative points, and a defective oversized clock pretty much sum up the talking points for them this round. While “Big Ben” Roethislberger (334 yards, 2 TDs, INT, 2-PNT) looked good on paper, he picked up an injury along the way and we all know how hard it is to get him telling the right time again. Hopefully his motorcycle is in the shop…

Killer Koalas (141) def Sultans of Suck (104)

The Koalas are as mad as hell and they’re not going to take it anymore. Sure, this is mostly because their diet consists entirely of dry, flammable leaves that are toxic to normal animals, but recently it’s ALSO because they are a football force to be reckoned with! Drew I’m-A-Tad-Better-Than-Cam-Newton Brees (386 yards, 4 TDs, INT) led the charge – surely he’s a shoe-in for the free-agent pickup of the season – followed closely by five snarling, growling, eucalyptus-smelling feral bears who scored 14 or more points each. It’s a lovely day, a lovely day. The Sultans were in the wrong place at the wrong time AGAIN this week – a worrying trend – and they will need to wipe the bear prints off their robes and regroup quickly if they’re going to stay in the top 4. Even perennial front man Aaron The-Artful-Doger Rodgers (391 yards, 4 TDs, INT, 2-PNT) can’t lift an entire team on to the podium alone. The Sultans of Suck are going back to their roots… and unfortunately for them it appears to be full of rocks, loamy dirt, and bear dung.

Round 10 is upon us. Offend the rigatoni and make references to Blazing Saddles at your own peril.

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