Week 7

And, just like that, the FF season is halfway done and the league remains, like, totally up for grabs, dude. Half of the teams are at 4-and-3, and everyone else (except the Koalas) are either a game above, or a game below, that number. As we get down to the wire, it might be “points-for” that decides who makes the playoffs. Consider yourself warned.

Da Gnomes (137) def Sultans of Suck (130)

The Gnomes looked at their odds-of-winning on paper… 7th-playing-1st… then flexed their forearms of steel and tore the playbook in half. No tangled plays or split-ends for these hirsute balls of power, just carefully coifed curls poking out of a shiny Patriots helmet, and Gisele-The-Brazilian-Model counting up 370 yards and 3 TDs for her hubby. The Sultans were a touch unlucky this week, coming up against the only team that could beat them, but this was probably the game “they could afford to lose” and they easily maintained their hold on the league for another week. Apparently Phillip Who’d-We-Lose-To-This-Time Rivers (336 yards, 3 TDs, 2-PNT, 2 INTs) was bemused, befuddled, and bewildered at the loss, but a bubble bath in his giant mansion helped ease the pain.

Cascade of Pushing (120) def Northern Aggression (71)

When push comes to shove, it’s rarely a good idea to get in the way of the Cascaders – a point made extremely clear as they walloped the Northern Rollovers by nearly fifty points. They unleashed Todd Hurley-Burley Gurley (163 yards, 2 TDs) and then casually leaned back in their vinyl deck chair to sip cocktails as they waited for the dust settle around around them. Cold, calculating, and delicious. In the face of such feverish power, the Rollovers figured it was time to put their bear-awareness training into action… so they rolled up into a teeny tiny ball and hoped they wouldn’t get too mauled. Marshawn Good-In-A-Pinch Lynch (122 yards, TD) survived well enough, but the rest of the team fared… less well.  After a great start, the Aggressors are effectively treating the league ladder as a base jumping opportunity, and it’s unclear if they packed a parachute.

El Sereno Chica (110) def Not Lucky or Good (90)

The Chica’s did not send their best team out to battle this week. In fact, it’s entirely possible the individual players drew straws, or were assigned their position via a slightly drunk Harry-Potter-esque Sorting Hat… But it didn’t matter – pretty much everyone played well and points were scored consistently in all positions (including the bench) – so it was practically impossible for them to send out a low scoring team. “Do I drive the BMW or the Merc or the Audi today?” Tough decision. The Luckies looked at their garage, with the skateboard, the yellow BMX, and the battered Rollerblades, and wondered why the hell they were still living in the 80’s with no driver’s license. Mike “get on your bike” Evans (164 yards, TD) looked cool as he did wheelies up and down the street, but everyone else just kind of sat around and waited for someone else to start break dancing. It was a street party to forget.

Deflated Expectations (117) def Killer Koalas (106)

Arian Foster-The-People (126 yards, 2 TDs) went out with a bang this week – the Koalas and their pumped up kicks were always going to have a lot of trouble running faster than his bullet – but his season is now done. It’s sad to see injuries take out a quality player, and the Expectations, out of respect, have waited more than their usual 93 seconds before taking the inevitable step of dropping Arian on to the FF scrapheap of life. The Koalas attempted to barter their way to victory this week, offering out comp’d rooms at the TY Hilton (150 yards, 2 TDs) to anyone who’d take them, but the Expectations were smarter than that – the Trip Advisor reviews clearly stated the rooms were small and haunted by players who were ghosts of their former selves.

We’re headed towards the pointy end of the season now and I can’t help but think it’s going to get messy.


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