It seems the “it’s a big week to score points” memo didn’t reach everyone, as both the far north and the deep south-ern hemisphere failed to break 100 points this week. Shame.
Deflated Expectations (125) def Not Lucky or Good (115)
Breaking news: a Deflators’ locker-room attendant has been accused of illegally squeezing 13+ points-per-square-inch out of 6 of their players, and actually INFLATING their expectations. Suspicions were fueled when Gary Not-A-Twin Olsen (131 yards, TD) went on record stating he was smiling from his last-minute TD and not from a fond recollection of the locker room. The Commish declared that an inquiry has been carefully filed, and is unlikely to ever make it back out of the cabinet. The Not-The-Goods-This-Week fought fire with fire, bringing 6 (unsqueezed) players with 11+ points to the party… and lost. Despite Russell What’s-It-Like-To-Win Wilson (294 yards, TD) running around like a headless chicken – sometimes even in the right direction – this team will need a lot more luck in future weeks to take home the trophy. Wait, what was their name again?
Sultans of Suck (123) def Cascade of Pushing (121)
The Sultans are in a team nomenclature bind. They don’t suck. They’re actually finding ways to win despite low-ish total points. They should be the Sultans of Sumptuous Delights, or perhaps just “Yummy” for short… But would YOU change your team name part way through a season when, miraculously, you’re a game clear on top of the table? Hell, yeah, you do! (And, with the gauntlet-of-fortune-destruction thrown at the giant webbed feet of Sir Anthony DeAndre Hopkins (148 yards, 2 TDs), this reporter can move on). Unfortunately for the Cascades, they got a little caught up in last week’s South Pacific waterfall effect and forgot to wash that man (um, I mean, ‘conditioner’) right out of their hair, leading directly to blurry vision and, strangely, a Vick/QB hamstring injury. It was a costly mistake and not even Devonta Freeman’s (156 yards, 2 TDs) endless stroking of their smooth-as-silk seat-otter-like headpiece could ease the pain.
El Sereno Chica (113) def Northern Aggression (85)
Chica Chica Boom Boom! The Chica’s shake off a three-game losing streak and help topple the Aggressors from the top of the table. It was a sublime effort from a team that has struggled to find their form recently, and they reputedly owe their reversal to watching endless re-runs of The Wonder Twins (and their marvelous purple suits). Yes, that’s right, the Chicas can finally say “shape of… Chris Ivory (196 yards, TD)” and “form of… a winner!” If the Aggressors had only known about the Cartoon Network, there’s a chance they could have been
competitive this week. But, sadly, the battery on their remote died as they were passing the Hallmark Channel and they simply COULD NOT LOOK AWAY until they knew for certain if Cherie would marry her childhood sweetheart who turned up fifteen years later to be a lonely, yet surprisingly rich and attractive, billionaire who had everything he ever wanted… except love. And fantasy football points, of course. After sharing an entire box of Kleenex with Matt Cryin’ Ryan (315 yards, 2 TDs, FUM), the Aggressors suddenly realized they’d been schooled. Love hurts.
Da Gnomes (133) def Killer Koalas (98)
Perhaps the only thing scarier than an angry gnome with a hat full of points, is an angry gnome with a hat full of points AND a butt-load more points coming out of his… trousers. Are the Gnomes starting the most delayed comeback since Australia beat Scotland in rugby on the weekend? (See how I got that in there? Nice, right?) Not only did the Gnomes bring more points to the field than anyone else, they also had an extremely impressive bench that practically groaned under the pressure of all the points it’s holding. Even Tom Who-You-Calling-Shady Brady (312 yards, 3 TDs, INT) was impressed. The Koalas have spent the last two weeks lamenting their recent training on effective management and inspirational leadership, as the only people they seem to be inspiring are their opponents. Twice they’ve come up against the top score of the week and twice they’ve, well, lost. If they weren’t so damn cute with those beady brown eyes and fluffy circular ears they might have been sent up to bed without their supper. Andrew Not-Quite-Enough Luck (347 yards, 3 TDs) was reputedly furious with the rest of the team and vowed to only scratch them behind the ear for 5 minutes tonight, instead of the usual 10.
The season moves on. Some teams move up, others move down. Such is life.