Week 5

Another week where low scores were the norm and the anguish was palpable. Awesome sauce!

Deflated Expectations (118.8) def Da Gnomes (117.4)

It’s a well established fact that every good Disney film will wait until the last possible second to reveal their trademark happy ending, and this week the Deflated Expectations found a shiny glass slipper – shaped a bit like a Denver linebacker (4 sacks, INT, 2 FUMs, TD, blocked kick) –  shoved on to their smelly size-11 hoofer. Yes, Le’Veon Bell rang midnight and it was the LAST play of the entire round that won it for the Expectations. Another Disney movie trademark is that the bad guys “get what’s coming to them” in the end, and it’s a real shame that Elves are back in style and Gnomes are the new grouchy stick-in-the-muds who need to be taught a lesson. And not even Rom-Com Tom Brady (278 yards, 3 TDs) could convince the studio execs otherwise…

Sultans of Suck (87) def El Sereno Chica (75)

Somewhere a mathematics teacher is pointing out that a whole lot of ‘meh’ can (eventually) add up to a meaningful number, and luckily for the Sultans that teacher is currently on retainer in Istanbul (not Constantinople). Even Aaron Can’t-Find-The-Harem Rodgers (280 yards, 2 TDs, 2 INTs, FUM) had to admit that the bespectacled brainiac had somehow figured out how to pull victory out of the almost-clamped jaws of defeat. The Chica’s, on the other hand, spent their much smaller budget on a Psych Major as their team advisor and, frankly, the idea of feigning overconfidence and not playing a DEF proves that you get what you pay for. If it hadn’t been for Tyler Mall Eiffert (90 yards, 2 TDs), it could have been a complete disaster. Oh, and it’s probably not a good idea to talk about putting Doug The Thug (in a good way) Martin on the bench, with his 158 yards and 3 TDs…

Not Lucky or Good (97) def Northern Aggression (93)

Hmmm. I’m afraid the Not Luckies might need to revisit their name. Looking at the scores of individual players, including their top scorer DeMarco DeMediocre Murray (120 yards, TD), it just doesn’t seem possible they could have gotten to their team total without an accounting error of SOME kind. Still, they’re refusing to look a gift horse in the mouth and are taking this win without even a hint of guilt. The Aggressors had a slightly more impressive main contributor in the form of Thomas Never Crawls Rawls (169 yards, TD), but the team fell off the radar very quickly thereafter… And, just like that, our last undefeated team is forced to join the rest of the league in the muck. Despite this close loss, they still retain the top spot on the ladder, so it’s unlikely they’re crying themselves to sleep on their 800 thread-count sheets just yet.

Cascade of Pushing (143) def Killer Koalas (84)

The Pushers stood proudly on the moss-covered rock and washed their long flowing locks in the alpine waters as a waterfall of points cascaded down from above like a… OK, it’s probably best to stop before we invoke an image we can’t erase from our long term memories. But you get the idea – top score of the round, lots of points, and Devonta Freeman washing his hair with 197 yards and a TD. Meanwhile, a rather confused set of Koalas thought they needed an open-side flanker, not a quarterback, so they neglected to account for Andrew Good-For-Nothing Luck’s injury and instead played some rather poor Wildcat Offense. If it wasn’t for the Aussie’s heroic defensive hold out against the Welsh in a completely unrelated sporting event, they may very well thrown themselves over a waterfall this week. Some refocusing of their lackluster attention span will be required for next week…

Another week down and every win is starting to become crucial…

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