Injuries and upsets continued to plague the league, and the fantasy world was dragged down with it. With top players on injury related hiatus and some supposed Super Bowl contender teams still winless, it’s a miracle any points were scored at all this week. So, on that note…
Northern Aggression (107) def Deflated Expectations (82)
Last week, a 107 was humdrum. This week it’s the one of only three to make double digits. The Aggressors eked and scraped and clawed out every single point they could from a dark and barren land. While contributions came mostly in 6’s and 5’s and 10’s, they can thank top-scorer Stephen Got-Thighs-Like-A-Cow Gostkoski (4 FGs, 4 PATs) for plonking his giant derrière on top of the Expectations leaky pigskin and sending it home empty. The Deflated Ones, in a rare lapse of judgment, left their top THREE scorers on the bench this week. Maybe they’re sandbagging, maybe they have a master plan, or maybe – much like the rest of the sporting experts – they simply have no idea which teams are actually good this year. Some recalibration is needed.
El Sereno Chica (127) def Da Gnomes (120)
The Chicas of el Sereno are the league’s rare light of reason this season. Somehow they continue to sift through shovel-loads of crud and pull out diamonds like it’s no big deal. This week it was Antonio I’m-awesome-don’t-you-know Brown (195 yards, TD, 2-PNT) who showed up all glittery and shiny. When you keep making the top score, who cares what anyone else does? Well, the person who got the second-highest score kind of cares, I guess. Especially when they’re playing you. Da Gnomes bounced back from their woeful first week and, obviously feeling a bit ‘grubby’, they decided they’d rather lose than play everyone’s win-at-all-costs QB, Tom Brady. They got their wish. Despite a great showing by Emmanuel Flying-Sandals Sanders (87 yards, 2 TDs), Da Gnomes left Brady’s 28 points on the bench… and lost. Tip of the week: if you’re going to pick (allegedly) evil players, embrace the (alleged) evil and play them.
Cascade of Pushing (99) def Luckier than Good (95)
The clang of bells marking midday cascaded over the countryside, causing all to turn with wonder as Big Ben (369 yards, 3 TDs, 2 2-PTS), long assumed rusted and broken in the belfry, had a simply awesome game. The Pushers ran with it, scrounging up a few extra points here and there along the way, and spent the latter evening basking in the glow of burning 49-er jerseys. The Luckier than Goods were, sadly, neither lucky nor good. Top scorer was Hustle-and-Bustle Russell Wilson (284 yards, 2 TDs, INT), but his ‘pretty good’ performance simply wasn’t lucky enough to cover the mediocrity of the rest of the team. Although, like much of the league, the Luckies did have a “winning number” of unused points loitering around on the bench, the whole Tuesday Morning Fantasy Manager thing is a bit icky and I refuse to do it.
Sultans of Suck (71) def Killer Koalas (64)
“It’s not how you play, it’s who you play”. Just move the ‘w’ from one end of the word ‘how’ to the other and you, my friends, have the key to success. There’s simply no way that a 71 should win a match, and yet here we are. Play the right foe and you only need a decent game by one player – Aaron Got-a-Harem Rodgers (272 yards, 2 TDs, 2-PT) – to get the win. The Sultans are justifiably swinging from the chandelier this week. As for the Koalas, I can barely get myself to look at them. The shame, the woe, the 24 points of Tannehill stinking up the bench while Luck throws 3 INTs and fumbles… Damn you, Tuesday Morning Fantasy Manager. There’s a taxidermy number on my fridge that I might need to call pretty soon.
That’s it for week 2. Hopefully someone other than the Chicas can figure out which players are going to have a good week or it is going to be a slaughterhouse this year.