Welcome back to another season! This first week seemed to be all about the Tight End, with huge points bouncing off the chests of that rare breed of giant men whose (suspect) intellect encourages them to run willingly across the field into the teeth of other men who want to grind them into the dirt. You know, like Gronk. Of course, a nice tight end is still useless if it’s wrapped in parachute pants on a windy day.
Sultans of Suck (133) def Deflated Expectations (111)
The Sultans came out swinging a 2-TD TE (Kelce), a 2-TD WR (Hopkins), and a 3-TD QB (Rodgers) and made mincemeat out of last year’s champion. Although the Sultans are no doubt still celebrating this auspicious start to the season, they are not traditionally known for their stamina so the bandwagon isn’t taking any ‘best of Dire Straits’ requests just yet. The semi-ironic naming strategy of Deflategate Expectations didn’t pay off this week, as – instead of easy catches and a court ruling absolving all guilt – the team really did underwhelm. If it wasn’t for Me-And-Julio-Down-By-The-School-Yard Jones (141 yards, 2 TDs) it could have been very ugly. It’s hard to say the Commish is in trouble after one week, but expectations have deflated.
Northern Aggression (99) def Da Gnomes (89)
Brothers in arms. On different sides. Slaughter, mayhem, and… nerf guns. Yes, this brother-vs-brother matchup was THE game to watch this week, but seeing the two lowest scores kind of ooze in was rather disappointing, like studying two 5 years olds battle it out with nerf guns until one of them gets hit in the groin. The Aggressors did what they had to do, and thanks to Matt No-Crying-Ryan (305 yards, 2 TDs, 2 INTs) they scraped just enough out of the bottom of the barrel to make a pretty fine sandwich. But Da Gnomes… Never have so many points been scored by so few people so quickly, only to have everyone else go AWOL. First day of football and the Brady-Gronk pairing (with 3 connecting TDs) brings in 55 points, and then the rest of the team averages 4.2 points each. Ouch.
El Sereno Chica (135) def Cascade of Pushing (103)
The Chicas not only pulled in the highest score, they also did it in the most balanced way. Yes, there are no superstars in El Sereno Chica, just 10 men singing in harmony, like a Barber Tenquet. Top scorer was, you guessed it, a TE – congrats to Tyler A-for-Eifort (104 yards, 2 TDs). Cascade of Pushing, which sounds suspiciously like a grand strategy cooked up by a South American drug cartel, were lackluster. Just a lot of mediocre points and no real action. Big Ben Roethlisberger decided he was going to have “a bit of everything” (351 yards, TD, INT, 2-PNT) and was the only guy to really enjoy the party.
Killer Koalas (125) def Luckier Than Good (109)
No-one was more surprised than the Koalas at this week’s win. If not for some serious MNF heroics from Carlos Santana-Jekyll Hyde (182 yards, 2 TDs) then they’d be sitting in a taxidermy shop rather than drinking themselves into a frenzy with cup after cup of delicious fermented eucalyptus juice (it’s green and bitter, but has a kick like an angry mule). The Luckys were not so lucky, with two players getting a big goose-egg, more than a few points languishing on the bench, and only Matt Running-Is-My-Forte (166 yards, TD) and TE Jason Witten (60 yards, 2 TDs) bothering to exceed their predicted scores by any great margin. With a middling score, however, the Luckies can keep rolling the dice with some hope of success.
Congrats on the first week. The Commish was impressed that this year’s sign up process was a drama-free (and intervention-free) process, so no matter what your score was this week, just remember you WANTED it. Good luck for week 2!