Finals 2014 – Results

Merry (belated) Christmas and Happy (almost) New Year! Another season is over and the Commish wins yet another championship trophy to place upon to his already-straining mantle.

Here’s how the final round went down:

Champion: Anything But RBs [131]

A balanced attack has done the Anything But RB’s proud all season and six players in the “teens” shows that mathematics actually does work. Somewhat ironically, their top scorer of the final round was an RB – “Hans” CJ Anderson (138 yards, TD) – though it’s possible that the Anything But’s actually don’t care at all where the points come from.

Quote: “When you win, nothing hurts.” – Joe Namath

Second: Luckier Than Good [100]

The Luckies fought bravely all season but at some point their Andrew Luck started to splutter, a fact proven beyond doubt by the -23 projected point swing in the final match of the season. Yes, Mar-Sure-Can Lynch (113 yards, 2 TDs) showed up for the final round, but he was kind of lonely.

Quote: “Now that I’m retired, I want to say that all defensive lineman are sissies.” – Dan Fouts

Third: Sultans of Suck [102]

If you’re going to be a one-trick pony, that trick had sure as hell better be something like “Hustle and Bustle” Russell Wilson (427 yards, 3 TDs). The Sultans had 60% of their team in single digits and still figured out a way to win. Nothing hurts more than burning sand in the face. Nicely played, sir.

Quote: “Sure, the home-field is an advantage – but so too is having a lot of talent.” – Dan Marino

Fourth: Mouchoir Sur Terrain [95]

Confidence has rarely bee the Hankies problem, but they simply couldn’t hold it together for the final match of the season, going 0-and-2 in the finals to end up in 4th place. In retrospect, I’m sure leaving their top scorer on the bench was a factor in the loss, though Aaron Rodgers in the 25th Century (318 yards, TD) probably doesn’t care too deeply.

Quote: “We didn’t lose the game, we just ran out of time.” – Vince Lombardi

Fifth: Northern Aggression [108]

The Aggressors came on angry and strong in the finals, cementing their place as “just slightly-below-average” thanks to an extraordinary amount of vim, vigor and vodka. They had to wait for MNF to finish the job, but Matt “padding my stats” Asiata (77 yards, 2 TDs, 2-PNT) was supremely confident right from the get-go.

Quote: “Show me a good loser and I’ll show you a loser.” – Vince Lombardi

Sixth: Killer Koalas [99]

The Koalas took a firm grip of seventh spot early in the season and, through sheer will and fortitude, dragged their sorry butts all the way up to sixth. Sure, some players – like Mike “No Grommit” Wallace (58 yards, 2 TDs) – dreamed of fifth place, but there was simply too much “butt” and not enough “claw” to complete THAT kind of improvement.

Quote: “Pro football is like nuclear war – there are no winners, only survivors.” – Frank Gifford

Seventh: El Sereno Chica [121]

A tough, tough season for the Chicas. It was a never-ending nightmare, like being the Cookie Monster at a gluten-free retreat in the Sierras, or spending more than 30 seconds with Tickle Me Elmo. They did, however, manage to scramble up to seventh place at the very end, thanks to Tony “All roads lead to” Romo (246 yards, 4 TDs).

Quote: “If you’re a pro coach, NFL stands for Not For Long.” – Jerry Glanville

Last: Da Gnomes [96]

The giant brain of football falls from grace, complete with flailing arms, high-pitched wailing, and a floppy red hat that had simply lost all it’s starch. Only Antonio “Shut the front” Gates (92 yards, 2 TDs) put up any kind of resistance as the Gnomes finish the season with a 5 game losing streak… and the wooden spoon.

Quote: “We can’t run. We can’t pass. We can’t stop the run. We can’t kick. Other than that, we’re just not a very good football team.” – Bruce Coslet, former Bengals coach.

Thanks for the season, all. Perhaps next year we can figure out how to beat the Commish at his own game…

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