Is 2014 the Year with No Surprises? The Title that no-one wants? The Year of the Happy and Content Bookie? All of these things apply this year because not only does the semi final round go precisely as the end of year standings say they should, the battle to get into the final is fought with whiffle sticks and snowballs. Luckily, Winston Churchill knows what to say.
Anything But RBs (85) def Sultans of Suck (72)
Never… in the field of fantasy… was so much owed… by so many… to so few points. Yes, the Anything But Rampaging Bulls… somehow… managed to figure out how to get into the Grand Final with the lowest winning score of the entire season. Much is owed to Ron “Spitfire” Gronkowski (96 yards, TD) and his three kills… sorry, I mean ‘three receptions’. Of course, no team can win without support, and the No Rampaging Bulls must thank the Sultans and their well-timed descent into deep and unadulterated suckdom. With the door wide open in front of them, beckoning them forward to the winner’s circle, the paranoid Sultans assumed it must be a trap. So, instead, they chose to remain in the great sandy outdoors. Then, they proceeded to wander off without water – not even Russell “Sensible” Wilson (195 yards, TD, INT) grabbed a canteen – and died a slow and painful death out in the desert. T’was a sad matchup, with sad stories. A true tragedy where not even fantasy football was the winner.
Luckier Than Good (98) def Mouchoir Sur Terrain (77)
The Luckies sleep safely at night because rough men stand ready to visit violence on those who would harm them. These men, these rough men, are better known as the ‘D’ of New England (4 sacks, 2 INTs, TD, blocked kick), an angry pack of rabid wolves with the empathy of starving vulture eying up the watery eye of a cowboy with a broken leg and no bullets. Yes, it’s an extreme analogy, but the trick is to not break your leg and then start crying about it. The Hankies, spotless for a brief, almost forgotten, period in the middle of the season, found they simply could not dab away the moisture. The entire team – bar one – remained a single-digit contributor, and it was not a middle finger salute. Only Le’Veon “Saved by the” Bell (119 yards, 2 TDs) was able to hold it together enough to crawl home as the desert claimed another team.
Northern Aggression (133) def El Sereno Chica (89)
We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the fields and in the gridiron, we will never surrender. The Aggressors wait until the last possible second to stave off total disaster by pulling out a great win that removes them from the playoff for last place. Standing guard on that metaphorical beach is none other than Dez “for Prez” Bryant (114 yards 3 TDs), a player with only a few highlights for the season but one who can be proud of week 15. The Aggressors had a tough year, so much hope, so many failures. Still, they did manage to drive a stake through the re-emerging heart of the Chicas, a team that fought on despite what can arguably be described as the worst start in fantasy football history. It was a bit like seeing a car run out of gas on a train line as an approaching locomotive full of TNT tooted its horn but the car windows were locked… only to see a foot smash out the back window and Odell Beckham Jr’s head emerge (143 yards, 3 TDs). With only one week left, it’s still not clear if they can get all the way out.
Killer Koalas (136) def Da Gnomes (99)
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth (or a koala) gets a chance to put its pants on. And the underrated skills of the Koalas falls definitively into this category – their furry legs simply made it too challenging to pull on their patent leather pants in time to really get into the fray. Led by Drew No-Brees-In-My-Drawers (377 yards, 3 TDs), the Koalas have safely leapt up into the ‘mediocre’ part of the tree and can relax knowing that they aren’t going to be the worst this year. This loss makes it five in a row for the hapless, hopeless, harangued Gnomes. Sure, they outscored all of the top 4 this week, but nothing will make a gnome feel smaller than standing next to a giant mushroom growing from a huge pile of stinky manure. Can Tom “high heels” Brady (305 yards, 2 TDs, INT) lift them up out of the mire, or will their fall from grace be complete?
One round to go and then it’s all over. What happened to the year?!