At the start of this round there was still some wiggle room in the standings – a few teams were still in the hunt for the finals and we weren’t completely sure who sucked. At the end, however, much like a Freshman Prom held in the desert at midday and monitored by a bevy of angry nuns, the wiggle was gone.
Anything But RBs (127) def El Sereno Chica (116)
There was not a Restful Blighter to be seen (again) this week, as the Anything But RBs eked decent points out of pretty much the whole team – especially Megatron Johnson (146 yards, 2 TDs) – and brought an end to the Chica’s extremely poorly-timed last-minute winning streak. With this win the No Restful Blighters have locked up yet another top-of-the-table finish and could totally choose to rest key players this week. Of course, in FF that would be lunacy, but the No RBs are cagey and we can’t put anything past them. To lose as many games as the Chicas, you can’t just have bad players with dodgy ligaments and overinflated egos, you must also be unlucky. Often playing the wrong team at the wrong time, not even season high Joique “Ring My” Bell (107 yards, 2 TD) performance was able to help this week. ‘Tis a season to forget for the Chicas.
Mouchoir Sur Terrain (139) def Da Gnomes (96)
Eight out of ten debonair Canadian gentlemen agree – Hankies are back in style. Pressed, folded, and poking out of one’s pocket “like so” is now the hipster thing to do, and I think we can all agree that Le’Veon “Ring My” Bell Harder (254 yards, TD) is very much in fashion. Now locked in at either 2nd or 3rd – basically the same spot as far as the finals go – the Hankies can safely thumb their noses at the rest of us and not be afraid of boogers. Da Gnomes apparently had a team meeting four weeks ago and decided that sky diving was the thing for them. They are now grossly addicted to the ‘wind in their hats’ and the wubba-wubba of their lips flapping about as they experience a long period of free fall. With only a massive 32 points from the St Louis defense saving them from complete disaster, it’s not clear if they’ll finish 5th, 6th, or 7th, only that at some point the ground must eventually rush up to greet them.
Sultans of Suck (151) def Luckier than Good (101)
Wow, the Sultans are back in town and they have painted the whole damned city center red using a very large camel-hair paintbrush wielded by DeAndre “Hannibal” Hopkins (238 yards, 2 TDs). They painted doors, stores, floors, jaws, bores, and even some slightly amused horses. Well and truly the master of their domain, the Sultans are now locked in at 4th and can pretty much rip Van Winkle next week and be totally fine. The Luckies thought about skydiving with the Gnomes, but – somewhat ironically – they decided that they would prefer spelunking instead. Little did they know that cavers HATE that term, so they were abandoned deep underground by their guides and not even Andrew “we’re stuck!” Luck (390 yards, 5 TDs, FUM, INT) could guide them out. The start of their season remains good enough to keep them in the finals but they are going to need a flashlight pretty soon.
Killer Koalas (116) def Northern Aggression (106)
Waiting until MNF to make their run, the furry fanged fellows from the Upper Eucalyptus have struck down the normally-pretty-good Aggressors with one huge Brees (257 yards, 5 TDs) and a whole bunch of tiny-but-nippy fleas (ie: the rest of the team). The minty smell of the Koalas’ breath belies the sadness in their hearts, though, as the measuring tape confirms that they are, indeed, too little and too late for the top four this year. The Aggressors had a shot at 4th coming into this round, but this loss has ripped the rug right off their heads and they are now left looking at 5th, 6th or 7th, and a free-falling brother to deal with (again!) in the finals. Big Ben Roethlisberger (443 yards, 2 TDs, 2-PNT, 2 INT) thought he’d applied enough super glue to his shiny noggin to remain covered, but it was not to be. With pride the only thing left to fight for next week, the Aggressors might already be having nightmares about last year’s finish…
OK, so the short story is round 14 means pretty much nothing. We still have to play it though, so please pay attention or you just might find yourself ridiculed within an inch of your soul. Of course, it’s also possible that you try your best and it STILL happens, but that’s football for you.