Ten rounds down and the math required to figure out your winning percentage will never be easier (no matter how depressing the number might be). There was some wrangling in the league this week, leaving three teams with a legitimate shot at the regular-season title, and another three teams left in the hunt for the coveted fourth and final playoff position. The Koalas would need the planets to align (thereby setting off a series of earthquakes, hurricanes and plagues) to have a shot, and the Chicas, well, they’re already six feet under.
Anything but RBs (170) def Luckier Than Good (112)
The dashing and debonair Anything But Rubber Boots showed everyone how it’s meant to be done this weekend. They sashayed and twirled their moleskin hush puppies all over the place. They went so fast it all felt like a dream sequence from Beauty and the Beast. But it was Peyton “Putting on the Ritz” Manning (340 yards, 5 TDs, 2 INTs) who really razzle-dazzled. Now, normally a dance hall would be exactly the place where the Luckies would get lucky, but not this week. Perhaps it was the overindulged cologne… or maybe it was the garlic prawns for lunch… but, either way, their 7-game winning streak is now broken. Also broken is the spirit of Marshawn “WTF, man” Lynch, who provided 163 yards and 4 TDs to the team, only to be mooshed like a little bug joining in on a tango.
Mouchoir Sur Terrain (139) def Northern Aggression (111)
‘Is this a hanky I see before me?’ asked The Aggressors, just before it fluttered up off the ground, wrapped itself into a tight spiral, and then darted up their nose to stab their brains out. It was a horrible way to go – for both the Aggressors and the Hankies – but at least the Hankies could have a nice Tide-filled bath afterwards. Even Aaron “Greensleeves” Rodgers (315 yards, 6 TDs) looked presentable afterwards. The nostrils of the Aggressors, on the other hand, were bloody and smattered with brain matter, though the doctors did say that Dez “for Prez” Bryant (158 yards, 2 TDs) had a chance to pull through.
Sultans of Suck (89) def Da Gnomes (83)
You don’t have to be fastest antelope on the Serengeti to survive, but you sure as hell can’t be the slowest. This matchup was a bit like watching a National Geographic special where the whole thing was in slow-mo. Two antelopes, chased by a geriatric cheetah with a bum leg, dawdled across the plains. The first antelope – aka ‘the Sultan of Slow’ – casually remarked to the second antelope that Russell Wilson (279 yards, TD, 2 INTs) was looking a bit mediocre today. The second antelope – aka ‘Da Nowhere Gnome’ – was about to reply with news about how his tight end – Jimmy Graham (76 yards, 2 TDs) – was finally loosening up, when the cheetah finally threw away it’s Zimmer frame and lunged. The rest was blurred out to spare the children.
Killer Koalas (137) def El Sereno Chica (89)
Meanwhile, on the other channel, it was a rerun of the 1983 Under-16’s Inter-Mural Curling Championship from central Saskatchewan. It tied its all-time viewership record with an audience of three people (two Moms and an insane blind monk from Albania), as the two teams who no-one cares about fought it out in the nether regions of the table. In the end it wasn’t even close – the Koalas stabbing the Chicas through the throat with their curling broom handle via Justin “Use the” Forsett (112 yards, 2 TDs) long before it got serious. Sure, “274 degrees” Kelvin Benjamin (70 yards, 2 TDs) was technically not frozen, but when it’s that close no-one really notices anyway.
Four rounds left (I checked properly this time) – try not to let your throat get stabbed out by a curling broom handle.