Round 9 – Results

The ‘business end’ of a rapier is the pointy bit that sticks into you, and the ‘business end’ of fantasy football is the last few rounds where winners rise to the top, and losers sink like a stone (that has been tied to an anchor with a cast iron chain the thickness of a mastodon’s femur). The only question you should ask yourself right now is – am I rising, or am I sinking?

Anything but RBs (137) def Sultans of Suck (92)

On the wings of a snow white dove, the Anything But Ridiculous Buffoons carefully placed 5 players with 0-points on their bench, and then flew off into the heavens with the week’s top score. They were led by Jonah Hill and his great Moneyball technique and… Wait. Sorry, wrong guy. It was Jeremy Hill (163 yards, 2 TDs) that led the way for a team that eked out every single drop of blood from their veins.  It’s a well-known fact that the Sultans hate doves, so they eschewed the whole ‘flying’ thing, and instead went south, way on down south, to Loser Town. Sure, DeAndre “we’re going the wrong way” Hopkins (115 yards, TD) kept trying to point out their problems on the map, but the team was determined to head that way. And so they did.

Luckier than Good (114) def Mouchoir Sur Terrain (87)

The namesake of the Luckiers is not only having a season to remember, he is also contributing to the physical sciences as he proves that anti-gravity DOES exist, and that he – virtually alone – can lift a team well off the ground using it (without the need of a mirror, or a lovely assistant). Yes, Andrew “I have the” Luck (359 yards, 4 TDs) brought the Luckiers another, almost needless, win this week. They were up against the Greek Tragedy  Theater Group – aka the Handkerchiefs Abandoned in the Rain – who played perhaps the saddest QB exhibition in recent memory -> 0.8 points from Philip “Dumped in the” Rivers. Sure, DeSean “Not a Saxon” Jackson (120 yards, TD) ran his guts out, but the Hankies were simply too wet, and too small, to staunch the bleeding.

Northern Aggression (136) def El Sereno Chica (101)

Fresh off a beating they won’t soon forget (or be allowed to forget), the Aggressors followed up last week’s record-breaking-but-still-losing score with another strong score… and this time it was more than enough for the win. With order now restored in the universe, Ming the Merciless… sorry… the Northern Aggressors… can suddenly see well off into the distance because they are standing on the giant shoulders of Big Ben Roethlisberger (341 yards, 6 TDs, FUM). Meanwhile, despite all evidence to the contrary, the Chicas are now under federal investigation for ‘throwing the season in order to get next year’s Number One Draft Pick’. Pretty much everyone agrees that it’s a ludicrous charge because even Ronnie “Down” Hillman (63 yards, 2 TDs) knows that the #1 pick is the kiss of death. Just ask the Koalas…

Da Gnomes (114) def Killer Koalas (87)

Perhaps it was overconfidence. Perhaps last week’s light shone so bright that it left some of those floating things in their eyes. But certainly no-one was more surprised than me when Da Gnomes chose to leave a goose-egg player in the roster for this week’s game. Of course, it all turned out to be a ploy as Da Gnomes bounced all over the hapless Koalas, using them as a trampoline that only sent Tom “Boing-Boing” Brady (337 yards, 4 TDs, bogus INT) higher into the stratosphere. The Koalas, with their Number One Draft Pick looking more and more sheepish every week, could only take solace that at least their QB – Drew ” a mediocre picture of a house” Brees (299 yards, 2 TDs, INT, FUM) – wasn’t Philip Rivers. It didn’t help much.

Three games left in the regular season. The pointy bit hurts.

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