What a week for TDs! Hallelujah, it’s raining points! Four teams beat the league’s previous high-score of 133.5. Yes, you read that right – half the league broke the league record. Sadly, not everyone is happy about it.
Anything But RBs (134) def Mouchoir Sur Terrain (95)
The Anything But Razor Burns sliced and diced their way to a league record score this week, thanks mostly to an extraordinary player who – much like Madonna, Plato, Pele, and Snuffelupagus – only needs one name. Yes, the Gronk (149 yards, 3 TDs) is most definitely back. Despite their record-breaking feat, the incredibly smooth and silky No Razor Burns remain 4th on the ladder for the best score of the season. The Hankies on the Ground are not contenders for that list, at least not this week. Drab, bedraggled, and downright nasty, they lay crumpled in the corner of the washing basket begging for some Tide. Only a green-and-gold fellow, smelling slightly of cheese, was even vaguely ready for prime time. Well done, Aaron Rodgers (439 yards, 2 TDs, 2 INTs).
Luckier than Good (137) def El Sereno Chica (116)
If you’re lucky and you know it clap your hands – clap, clap. (No, not you, Chica). The Luckies could be in a dance video, so impeccably-timed are their clapping-in-time skills. Another team to break the record – their old record, to be precise – they also have much Andrew “Five-leafed clover” Luck (426 yards, 3 TDS, 2 INTs) to thank. Oh mighty auto-draft, how did you know? The Chicas, although undoubtedly spicy enough to be in a dance video, always seem to find a way to lose. Never before… in the field of battle… has some much effort… gone to so few wins. Yes, Jay “I just want to play” Cutler (233 yards, 3 TDs, 2-PNT, INT, 2 FUMs) had some good stats, but it all came a bit too little, and a lot too late.
Da Gnomes (212) def Northern Aggression (158)
Wow. What can you say? The Aggressors beat the season record by a whopping 24 points, and they come up against a team who beat it by 78 points? And it’s not just any team, it’s your brother’s team? That’s gotta sting. Da Gnomes – what a display. Three players over 30, three players over 20, and an unlimited data plan for texting your brother to remind him to check the scores. Top dude was not Maclin (187 yards, 2 TDs) nor Brady (354 yards, 5 TDs), but rather the rarely appreciated Arian Foster (173 yards, 3 TDs). Northern Aggression were impressive in defeat, their buttons and belts shiny as they were mown down by gatling guns at 1000 yards. Top scorer was the Miami D, providing a return of 28 points from one of the more diversified portfolios on offer (4 sacks, 2 INTs, FUM, 2 TDs, blocked kick).
Sultans of Suck (111) def Killer Koalas (87)
In the let-down game of the round – no record-breaking scores, no come-from-behind backstory – the Sultans just took care of business with the minimum amount of fuss. Just a bit of spring cleaning, really. Sure, Jamaal Charles (117 yards, 2 TDs) provided more than his share of Mr Muscle, but generally speaking it was just another day in the maid’s outfit for the Sultans. Taking their cue from how their neighbors in the zoo – a troop of howler monkeys – deal with interlopers, the Koalas attempted to hold off the Sultans by throwing poo at them. Unfortunately, they missed and were left with poo on their hands and in their lineup. A rare exception was Drew “latex gloves” Brees (317 yards, 3 TDs).
And that’s it. Four record breaking scores, some poo, and another round of football in the rear-view mirror. How can you not love football?