Believe it or not, we are now half way through the regular season. Apparently time flies when you’re having fun, or when you’re having your butt whipped to within in an inch of its life. Wait, that came out wrong…
One special note – Peyton is a rock star. A rock star with 510 TDs. A rock star who was ROBBED of the record-breaking ball by some old dude who wants to put in some building somewhere. What is up with THAT?
Mouchoir sur Terrain (113) def El Sereno Chica (82)
Rumor has it that Renoir painted an undiscovered masterpiece, titled “Handkerchiefs at Rest on Chili Plant”, where the daintiest of white, silk mouchoirs were draped over a plant hosting a single, half-ripe chili. I have no idea what that has to do with football, but the Moosh-waahs were certainly ruthless this week. And once again it was Aaron “800-thread count” Rodgers (276 yards, 3 TDs) who led the way, blocking sunlight from gardens like a really, really big hankie. The Chicas took this opportunity to extend their losing streak to an awe-inspiring seven in a row, which is particularly impressive when you look at the 24 (!) roster changes they’ve made this season. You have to work hard to keep applying the kiss of death to a team that’s rebuilding itself every week. Their top scorer this week was Ronnie Hillman, but he was on the bench and doesn’t want to talk about it.
Luckier than Good (121) def Da Gnomes (98)
Death, taxes, Bill Murray parading around in a swim suit, and the Luckies. All things that you can rely on each and every week. And all things that raise a shiver down the spines of men, women and small animals around the nation. The Luckies enjoyed mixing up their number one guy so much last week that they decided to use… the same guy again this week. Yes, it was Matt “sat on a piano” Forte (109 yards, 2 TDs) on top for a second week in a row. One could almost understand why the Gnomes, who were forced to listen to a rather tinny and off-key Pachelbel, simply covered their ears and crawled into a corner… except for the fact that Sammy “Hammy” Watkins (122 yards, 2 TDs) happily got up and sang along anyway. Tone-deafness CAN be helpful.
Sultans of Suck (104) def Northern Aggression (100)
In why MIGHT have been considered a close game some other week, the Sultans eked out a tough win (wait, did I really just say that – isn’t that the third sign of the Apocalypse) to keep their chances of a top-4 finish alive. Rather than some kind of “team first” mentality, the Sultans totally opted for the “hero crusade” approach, with 37 points coming via “Hustle and Bustle” Russell Wilson (419 yards, 3 TDs). The Aggressors, who might have been taking just a few too many “chill pills” in recent weeks, attempted to counter with their own hero – Demaryius “Quite Contrarious” Thomas (171 yards, 2 TDs) – but it was simply too little cape too late. Luckily, more than half of the league pretty much sucks, so they held on to 4th place for at least one more week.
Anything but RBs (119.7) def Killer Koalas (119.5)
Yes, another matchup where the decimal point was needed. This one could have really rocked the Nielson ratings, as Monday Night Football lingered on and on, and the fantasy football deficit got smaller and smaller. At the end of the day, though, the Anything but Relaxed Bystanders held on for the slimmest of margins, which was probably just as well because the ‘mercy rule’ had been played in the Denver game, with bestest-passer-ever – Peyton “yep, that’s me” Manning (317 yards, 4 TDs) – coming out of the game early on Sunday. The “Oedipus Bears” – so named because they suddenly became aware that they were actually a character in a Greek tragedy – could only watch in hope that just one more field goal could appear on the field of battle. It was not meant to be, and they had to be comforted that they also had a record holder – Demarco “Centurion” Murray (134 yards, TD), with 7 games in a row with 100+ yards – in their own locker room. They are now heading home to strike their own eyes out.
Looking to make the finals? Time to buckle up.