Round 5 – Results

Five rounds in, and the season starts to get very real. Every loss whittles away at the hope for a ‘mid-season rally’, and every win adds a level of protection for making the finals. In short, the volume of swearing at the TV screen takes a sharp spike upwards.

Northern Aggression (132) def Anything But RBs (108)

The Aggressors came out of their corner with arms flailing wildly this week, catching the Anything’s completely off-guard with a bevy of double-digit contributors. The uppercut that ended it all was a simply masterful blow – Demaryius “Cassius” Thomas (226 yards, 2 TDs). As for the Anything But Rocking Backwards, well, they totally misconstrued every boxing movie ever and assumed that boxing was all about being hit a few hundred times and not falling down, instead of actually rocking back on one’s heels and not getting hit at all. Only their old campaigner – Peyton “Balboa” Manning (477 yards, 4 TDs, 2 INT) – was left standing at the end…

Mouchoir sur terrain (109) def Sultans of Suck (97)

It’s not exactly clear why the Vortex would suddenly start complaining about dropping their handkerchief on the ground – perhaps something to do with the courting habits in old French novels – but their effectiveness in closing the deal cannot be denied. The Moosh-waaah’s brought an absolute killer D to the table – an awe-inspiring 23 points (4 sacks, 2 FUMs, 2 TDs, blocked kick) from Philly, and barely a flag to be seen. The Sultans, on the other hand, were momentarily blinded by the bright shining light of Russell “give me some bills, son” Wilson” (323 yards, 3 TDs), and ended up lying prostrate after tripping over something white and lacy on the ground.

Da Gnomes (121) def El Sereno Chica (92)

The Gnomes called an emergency village meeting after a horrid outing last week and came up with the brilliant idea that, instead of being slow and sleepy, they should be fast and awakey. The Nobel-Prize-winning-worthy notion took hold, and Arian “I don’t drink” Fosters (172 yards, 2 TDs) led the little fellas all the way back to the winner’s circle. The Chicas…  The Chicas… Um… Here’s their post-game interview: “It’s been a tough season, we’ve had some injuries, some bad luck, but the boys gave 110% and left it all out on the field. We need to be more like “Steady” Eddie Lacy (132 yards, 2 TDs) and just keep fighting.” The Chica’s owner was then quoted as being “fully behind” the coach, immediately resulting in several unemployed coaches to call and apply for the job.

Luckier than Good (103) def Killer Koalas (95)

Finally, definitive proof that when you’ve got the goods, you simply do not need to go to the gym and do weights to develop a tight end – you can get lucky anyway. The Luckiers declined to get a TE on the field this week, instead relying on the charm and good looks of  Andre “the Giant where it counts” Ellington (144 yards, 2 TDs) to bring home the trophy.  As for the Koalas – they could not have been more wrong about heading into SNF with the Bengal defense. The 10-point swing against their projected score (-3 instead of +7) made for a very long Sunday evening on the couch. Not even the memory of Drew “a flat graph of good scores” Brees (370 yards, 2 TDs, 3 INTs) could ease the pain.

With more room to move, the teams are starting to spread out in the standings. Unfortunately, some of us are finding our area of the room dark, dingey, and mighty unclean.

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