Round 4 – Results

Some decent scores this week, and some mediocre scores, but overall the first bye week for the league had very little impact on the numbers, suggesting that the benches of many teams are in fine shape. This is probably one of the advantages of an 8-team league, but we can also use it as an ego-stroking techniques (should it be so needed).

Anything But RBs (109) def Da Gnomes (70)

The Anything But Rihanna Beats were forced to listen to Please Don’t Stop the Music for 4 hours straight and, frankly, it drove the players into fits of both high-performance and fetal-position-failures. Philip “Class 4 Rapid” Rivers (377 yards, 3 TDs) totally fell into the former category, while Calvin-and-Hobbling-Along Johnson (12 yards) the latter. Caught in the crossfire, and dealing with his own case of “why is everyone on vacation”, the Gnomes had to deal with the ignominy of a 13-points swing on Defense, as their beloved Bills D was used by the opposition in fantasy football, and ALSO lost the actual game. Matt “Solo Flying” Ryan (300 yards, 3 TDs, 2 INTs) was never going to be enough.

Sultans of Suck (119) def El Sereno Chica (114)

The Sultans – much like large-frame sunglasses and outrageous beatnik beards – are making a strong comeback for the season, and even managing to do so early enough that it might even matter. While they’d be the first to admit they use the ‘kid gloves’ (light) touch in team management, there’s no denying that Jamaal “Snarl” Charles (108 yards, 3 TDs) has broken free of the chains. As for the winless and luckless Chicas, they have to take solace where they can. After some “money-ball” style pickups, they had all-but-two players make double-digits and can proudly say “we lost, but we are the highest-scoring losers”. Perhaps Jay Cray-Cray Cutler (285 yards, 2 TDs, 2 INTs) can help even more next week.

Luckier than Good (134) def Northern Aggression (102)

The standout score of the season so far goes to those who prefer horseshoes and mutant clover leaves to 300-page magazines full of stats… and it’s working. The team’s namesake – Andrew “Holy Firetruck” Luck (392 yards, 4 TDs, INT) – is quickly emerging as THE pickup of the draft, and the Luckier’s have the horseshoe to thank for it. The Aggressors, who are reputedly thinking about renaming themselves “Our Bark is Worse than Our Bite”, left (best case) about 31 points on their bench, and their score was only semi-competitive thanks to another monster game by Antonio “Banderas Wannabe” Brown (131 yards, 2 TDs). The Aggressors play the Rihanna Haters next week, so their matchups are not improving…

Polar Vortex (118) def Killer Koalas (97)

The Polar Express Vortex’s – a kind of big, swirling wind that leads all the way to Santa – had two players score 28 points. The two-pronged attached of “Le Rouge Baron” Aaron Rodgers (310 yards, 4 TDs) and Matt “um, who” Asiata (100 yards, 3 TDS) was simply too much for the Koalas to bear, even wearing the fur coat they’d been working on for years. The stalwart DeMarco “de Dude” Murray (155 yards, 2 TDs) is one of the few bright lights keeping the Koalas from throwing themselves from the ice-riddled branches that have become their home.

Four weeks in and three teams have established a strong 3-and-1 base. Can they be challenged? Will luck be fickle? Does the weather change? And will Rihanna ever write a hit song again?  The season shall tell us… Football knows all…


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