Finals – Round 1

Another extremely high scoring round that almost hides the Cinderella, the Jekyll and Hyde, the Houdini, and the Hannibal Lecter that took place.

El Sereno Chica (122) def Sacrificial Anodes (119)

The Chicas are undoubtedly the league’s Cinderella team, rising from the scullery of the league and scoring just enough points to grasp the shot at the Championship in their callused, water-wrinkled hands. It truly was a team effort, with mice, birds, a dog and even Zac “the Galloping Horse” Stacy (143 yards, TD) helping get Cinderella to the ball. The Anodes, table leaders for pretty much the entire season, went into Monday Night Football with a decent lead and unabashed hope to meet the prince next week and maybe even dance the tango. Unexpectedly cast in the role of an Ugly Stepsister, even Drew Brees (401 yards, 2 TDs, 2 INT, FUM) was caught with his pantaloons in a bunch.

Seasoned Vets (123) def Sultans of Suck (110)

The truth may never be known, but the suspicions that the Seasoned Vets are experimenting on themselves got a major boost this week as the Vets (and their unfettered access to syringes and innumerable doggy concoctions) let My Hyde out of his cage and aimed him right at the Sultans. The only surprise was it was NOT Mr Manning, but rather the Seattle D (24 points from 4 sacks, 5 INTs, and a shut-out). The Sultans, a team who is sadly all too familiar with running into large, hairy psychopaths in dark alleys (especially in this league), was reportedly eerily calm as their body was tossed from wall to wall, as though they knew it was coming and were only wondering was why it had taken so long to get here.

Over Seasoned Vet (121) def Northern Aggression (111)

The Over Seasoned Vet… What can be said about a team that ties itself up in chains, climbs into a safe,  breaks both elbows, swallows the key, and then drops itself into a frozen river full of (surprisingly hardy) piranhas? In one of the greatest Houdini tricks of all time, the O.S.V. pulls off “the MNF kicker” – Justin Tucker’s 61 yard field goal and 23 points – to guarantee themselves a non-last finish. Wow. Just wow. On the other side, not listening to Wesley Snipes and betting against black, was the Northern Aggressors. Not only did they lose their shirt to a dodgy bookie, they also accelerated their free-fall down the ladder. Only one team remains that can save them from the wooden spoon. Luckily it’s a family member, so that’s a good sign, right?

Killer Koalas (192) def Da Gnomes (98)

It’s not clear exactly when the Koalas developed a taste for porcelain Gnomey flesh or when they went to the Hannibal Lecter School of Cooking, but it is certainly irrefutable that their appetite, once whetted, was insatiable. And none was hungrier than Jamaal “Fricassee” Charles (215 yards, 5 TDs), whose 51 fantasy points was 6th highest of all time. He reputedly went through no less than 62 napkins, wiping his chin as he went. As for Da Gnomes, they were stunned to find themselves on the menu, especially considering that their skin was usually known for it’s ability to break teeth. Even their fastest runner – Rashad “run away” Jennings (103 yards, 2 TDs) – was unable to avoid the Koalas’ net, fridge, Wusthof, skillet, and latrine.  (The order is important).

One round left. It’s sad but true.

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