Wow, who put the rocket fuel in the water this week?! Every team scored 100+ points, but (strangely enough) exactly half of them still lost. Apparently moving the bell curve to the right makes everyone feel better but it actually doesn’t change the number of people who succeed. Ain’t math a bitch?
Seasoned Vets (117) def Sacrificial Anodes (111)
The thing about being a one-trick pony is, if your ‘one trick’ is ridiculously awesome, then you still win every time. The Vets might argue otherwise – that they really and honestly do have other tricks that are pretty cool, too – but it’s pretty clear that whenever they pull off the Peyton with-a-double-pike Manning (400 yards, 5 TDs, 2 INTs), they are pretty much impregnable. The Anodes, to their credit, put up a good fight – their Double-Twisting DeMarco Murray (112 yards, 3 TDs) was particularly impressive. But, as often happens when rust invades your synapses, they will forever lament the quadruple-Decker bus (41 points) they left behind at the bus station.
Over Seasoned Vet (119) def Northern Aggression (109)
The league’s one-and-only paprika-filled serviceman from ‘Nam has finally managed to lift his head up from the depths of his lemon-infused olive oil bottle, just in time to act as a late season spoiler of other people’s plans. This is a perfect salve for the Over Seasoned Vet terrible fantasy football wounds, with the league’s most experienced player finally playing a QB worthy of the uniform – Nick ‘with the hat-trick’ Foles (259 yards, 3 TDs). Despite pulling in enough points to win most matchups, this week the volatile, up-and-down Aggressors actually posted the lowest score, leaving them open to a potential push-out from the final four. It’s been reported that Josh “Flash” Gordon (261 yards, 2 TDs) was particularly annoyed about the loss and will be asking Prince Vultan and the Hawkmen for help next week. In an unrelated incident, Josh Gordon was given a concussion test during this week’s game.
Sultans of Suck (120) def El Sereno Chica (113)
The Sultans secure a spot in the finals, and keep the dream of finishing on top of the table alive, with this just-good-enough win against the Chicas. Sure, they threw in a WR goose-egg (for some dramatic flavor), but Wham-Bam-Thank-You Cam Newton (331 yards, 3 TDs, 2 INTs) pulled them out of the fire and into the comfy sofas around the outside. The Chicas weren’t quite so lucky. Despite a decent push from Matt Stafford (338 yards, 3 TDs, 2 INTs, FUM), the team were simply too much in love with the new Katniss Evergreen movie (‘Catching Fire’, for those too cool to go see teenage angst movies with bows and arrows) to climb out. Hope remains for a top-four berth, but it will require some ‘help’…
Killer Koalas (168) def Da Gnomes (114)
The Rip Van Winkle Koalas, with their myopic vision and tendency to sleep in, have woken up to find that much of the world (and the season) has passed them by. More than a little annoyed by this, they unleashed Alshon “All shizzle” Jeffery (249 yards, 2 TDs) on the nearest target – a humble gnome who was minding his own business while fishing in a pond full of plastic goldfish. With the season’s second top-score (topped only by the 172 point, 7-Peyton-TD game by the Vets), the Koala’s vengeance was both furry and furious. The Gnomes, who had just a few seconds before gotten a very promising nibble on the end of their line, were most surprised to see their hat ripped from their head and tossed across the pond. They were even more surprised when one of their arms and a piece of half-chewed knee followed it. CJ “blood” Spiller (157 yards, TD) was sent to retrieve what he could.
One week of the regular season to go. Both top-dog and the last spot in the top four remain up for grabs.