According to the little star twinkling next to their name, only the 10-and-2 Anodes have locked down a playoff spot so far. This leaves 4 players fighting it out for the next three spots, with just two games to go in the regular FF season… It also leaves three players – ex-champions all – with no chance of making the finals. Dammit, the view from down here sucks.
Sacrificial Anodes (105) def Da Gnomes (99)
The Pareto Principle states that 80% of the work is done by 20% of the resources, and the Anodes proved this also happens in fantasy football. Only two of the Anodes’ players could be bothered scoring in the teens or higher, including Knowshon “Funky Cole” Moreno (230 yards, TD), but it was still enough for the win. The Gnomes, on the other hand, were hell-bent on proving that the Peter Principle – that everyone gets promoted to their level of incompetence – is more interesting. It seems that Colin “rockin’ and a-rollin'” Kaepernick (255 yards, 3 TDs) is the only player who still has promotional opportunities left.
Seasoned Vets (118) def Over Seasoned Vet (95)
It was Vet Week in Vegas this round – nothing but puppies with parvo, rabbits with rabies, and alligators with arthritis. And it ended with a comprehensive win for the thriving multi-doctor practice of the Seasoned Vets, who only had two players not in double-digits. The prestigious Golden Butt-Thermometer Award was (carefully) presented to Anquan “I’m all golden” Boldin (94 yards, 2 TDs). The single-doctor practice of the Over Seasoned Vet was left chasing their other dream of being an internationally acclaimed chef. Sadly, after applying too much cayenne pepper to the gumbo, at the end of the night only namesake Larry “Not dead yet” Fitzgerald (56 yards, 2 TDs) was still at the table – sweating profusely but intent on being polite.
Sultans of Suck (135) def Northern Aggression (67)
The Sultans are showing more and more that they own neither a dictionary, a thesaurus, nor a good friend to point out that the name they are using does not mean what they think it means. Of course, when you win this big, you don’t really care what people call you, as long as they keep saying ‘Sir, yes sir’ at the end. Captain Cam “Fig” Newton (225 yards, 2 TDs, INT) knows what I’m talking about. Unfortunately, the Aggressors big plan of cunningly disguising themselves as Little Bo Peep went a little too well, as the whole team went “method” and they lost their sheep (sorry, I mean ‘skills’) and simply did not know where to find them. Even top-lamb Matt “Sir, yes sir” Ryan (302 yards) should be ashamed of himself.
Killer Koalas (108) def El Sereno Chica (106)
My, oh my. Better watch out, better not shout, the Koalas have discovered out how to use their giant furry ears and enormous soul-filled brown eyes for evil instead of good, as they seriously crimp the Chicas plans for making the top-four. Jamaal “nothing but snarl” Charles (157 yards, 2 TDs) looked particularly furry and soul-filled this week. The Chicas, somewhat surprised when the innocent fluffy bear they were cuddling suddenly took off with their purse, could only lament at the minus-3 points ‘scored’ by the KC defense. A true gentleman, Matt “I’ll get your purse back” Stafford (303 yards, 3 TDs, 4 INTs) chased after the bow-legged bear, but for some reason he kept giving the purse right back again. Weird.
Two matches to go in the regular season. Only four people really care. (Yes, that was a tang of bitterness seeping in – this is what happens when you miss the draft, people).