Round 7 – Results

Last week there was a suggestion that the Colts would spend the entire week in pushup-hell, in retribution for their woeful showing against the Chargers, and it’s pretty clear that is EXACTLY what happened. They came out fired up and fancy-free against the Broncos and took out the hottest team in the league.  That leaves only the other hottest team – the Chiefs – as undefeated.  One other interesting point – is there some kind of NFL rule that one (and ONLY one) Manning brother can win per week?  That would make sense, but not bode well for quarterbacks who live in large, east-coast cities…

Sacrificial Anodes (94) def Northern Aggression (62)

This week’s win from the seemingly unstoppable Anodes brings to mind the story of Stone Soup. For those unfamiliar, an itinerant man – let’s call him Ryan “I’m trying” Mathews (110 yards, TD) – has an enormous pot of water… and nothing but a stone to cook in it. Using encouragement, smiles, and outright lies, he convinces lots of other people to put in one small addition each – some herbs, a chicken, a few reception yards – and before you know it there’s a vat of soup to feed the whole village. This win by the Anodes is 100% Stone Soup, and it is TASTY.  Meanwhile, in the neighboring village, Northern Aggression hosted it’s first-ever dance party, briefly enjoyed Marshawn “Table Dancing” Lynch’s antics (94 yards, TD), then watched in horror as their QB (Cutler) went down with the wrong kind of groin injury. The dance party turned out to be a terrible idea across the board, mostly because pretty much all the large, grown men had absolutely no idea how to foxtrot, so everyone just stood around looking embarrassed. It was such a debacle that no-one even tweeted about it.

Sultans of [not] Suck (125) def Over Seasoned Vets (78)

Top score of the week went to the team with the most humble name. Perhaps there is method to the madness that is the Sultans of Suck, as they rack up yet another great score. It’s like they can dig a random hole in the desert and have points spew from the earth, like they did with Matt Forte-Ain-Of-Points (108 yards, 3 TDs) and A.J. “Rolling in the” Green (155 yards, TD). Next week they’re taking their shovel off to mountain territory to try and out-dig the Gnomes (or am I thinking of Dwarves?), and they feel goooood about it. The Football Gods are slightly less pleased with the Over Seasoned Vets, whose name was originally assumed to be a pun involving jasmine, jimbu and juniper berry and now has been recognized as a mid-season acknowledgement that it’s time to start rebuilding for next season. The football Gods are not fans of defeatism – even when it’s probably the right attitude to take, it’s simply too depressing – so they are taking these “giants” of yesteryear (and their difficulties manning up against the opposition) and simply smashing them into the ground. It’s going to leave a mark.

El Sereno Chica (104) def Da Gnomes (86)

The Chicas went out raving in style this weekend, wearing their “just for special occasions because it fell off the back of a truck and it’s really, really nice and I’d hate for it to get dirty”  outfit by none other than Calvin Klein Johnson (155 yards, 2 TDs). The great thing about a special, super-shiny outfit is that the glow is so bright (over 25% of your score from one player) that you don’t even have to look at the rest of team and still feel good about yourself. This win solidifies the Chicas in 5th spot, just one win (and some points) back from the free-falling Aggressions. Plenty of football to come, but how much ‘style’?  Da Gnomes also had one player provide over 25% of the team’s total score – Aaron Rodgers (272 yards, 3 TDs) – but unfortunately he did it wearing green lederhosen with a red pointy hat and, well, no-one else wanted to go there.  Particularly disappointing was the goose egg from the Denver D, who made Andrew Luck look lasciviously luscious and long-legged – not an easy feat. In 7th place, but a mere 3 points back from 6th place, the Gnomes are frantically trying to figure out where they can get a new seamstress for next week’s game – perhaps something in lavender…

Seasoned Vets (115) def Killer Koalas (73)

As any Seasoned Vet would tell you, when you go to a bar fight, take a piece of lead pipe. When you go to an alligator farm, take a lasso. And when you need to fight a koala-wolf hybrid, just take in a bushel of bacon-flavored gum leaves laced with horse tranquilizer. Simple really. Oh, and if you happen to have one handy, be sure to bring along a Peyton “I only need one name now, like Madonna, or Cher” (385 yards, 3 TDs, INT), as well. It’s not clear if the Vets knew all this ‘learning stuff’ at college was going to be so useful in the real world, but it is certainly paying off now. The Koalas, on the other hand, have a very vague recollection of a kind-looking face handing them a delicious-smelling bouquet of gum leaves, and then it all goes dark. The next thing they know, they’re waking up hanging upside-down from the flimsiest tree in the forest feeling vaguely violated and wondering why their hamstrings feel funny. Only “Gnarly” Jamaal Charles (123 yards, TD, FUM) thought that maybe it’d been fun last night, but he kept that opinion to himself.

And now, here looms the mid-point of the season!


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