This week’s round was like a Monty Python skit – plenty of entertainment but very little drama. Only the Koala-Gnome game went down to the wire, where you’d think a QB-TE-DEF combo on Monday Night Football would completely destroy the TE-only ‘defense’ of the other team… and then the Colts went out and played like a herd of club-footed, knock-kneed, pigeon-toed, inebriated llamas. The crystal ball sees a lot of pushups and sprints up-and-down the field for Indy-based NFL players over the next five days…
Northern Aggression (140) def Over Seasoned Vet (96)
First up, the blow-out of the week. Northern Aggression lit the fuses of a whole battery of cannons – including three players over 20 points – and turned the opposing hill into a crater-filled quagmire. If you happened to be cowering in a crater, hoping that the wind has changed just a little bit since the last shot was fired, the sound of Marshawn “barnstorm” Lynch (155 yards, 2 TDs) echoing over the countryside will leave chills running down your arms for at least 6.5 days. In these situations, not even a (gasp) name change will save you, as the Miracles – sorry, I mean the Over-Seasoned Vets – resort to the oldest tactic in the book and pretend they are someone else. Unfortunately, they were simply sprinkled with paprika and pepper (no ‘sage’ in sight) and consumed piecemeal. Even Run-Justin-Run Blackmon (190 yards) couldn’t get away. One other side-effect -> the ‘seasoned’ brand has been tainted forever…
Sacrificial Anodes (118) def Seasoned Vets (81)
The long-anticipated top-of-the-table clash-of-the-titans -> Cronus versus Zeus, Godzilla versus Mothra, Batman versus Superman -> turned into a fizzler. You see, the Sacrificial Anodes remembered to pack their kryptonite. In case you’re wondering for your own matchup against the Vets, the only known kryptonite for Peyton Manning is (team-mate) RB Knowshon Moreno (104 yards, 3 TDs), who single-handedly ‘robbed’ Peyton of many scoring opportunities. Will the Anodes shave their heads and become the Lex Luthor of the league? Or will they win without a hirsute sacrifice? Meanwhile, unsure of what to do with their caped scoring machine down for the count, the Seasoned Vets (covered in caraway, cardamom and chives) must surely harbor a grudge against their Over-Seasoned counterparts, who must have put the mocka on them with the name change. Sure, Peyton “team first, damn him” Manning (295 yards, 2 TD, INT, 2 FUM) still top scored, but with all that kryptonite around he looked… human. Let’s hope that the Vets can get out of the kitchen and back to the veterinarian surgery room soon.
Sultans of Suck (144) def El Sereno Chica (106)
A quick message for the Sultans – that word you keep using, I do not think it means what you think it means. Seriously, I know all this winning thing is unusual for you, but I think it might be time to embrace how your years (literally years) of wandering in the desert now seem to be over. With three players over 29 (ouch), including Cam Bam-Bam Newton (272 yards, 4 TDs), you might want to consider the ‘Sultans of Cool’ or the ‘Nevers of Suck’. Just don’t mention spices and you should be good to go. The Chicas, on the other hand, are stuck in a perpetual haze of playing the wrong team at the wrong time. Their penchant of attracting the wrong kind of attention – police batons, tasers, and a foot fungal rash that just won’t go away – is showing up on the scoreboard as they are by far the leader in ‘points against’. They tried defense – KC DEF with 26 points (inc 10 sacks, 3 INTs and a TD) – but it wasn’t anywhere near enough. Perhaps leave the colors in the closet this weekend and go out incognito?
Killer Koalas (101) def Da Gnomes (89)
The Koalas have spent the past few weeks experimenting with the (morally questionable) technique of splicing lupine genes into their increasingly desperate populace, and it seems to be working. Rather than actually ‘being better’ or ‘working smarter’, the lupine gene allows the team to smell out the weaker members of the herd and simply cull them. Why go up against the big guys galloping across the tundra when there’s a perfectly good meal limping around at the back? Certainly Jamaal “Koala with snarls” Charles (128 yards, 2 TDs) can attest to that. Unfortunately the Gnomes’ attempts at gene splicing were less successful, as the feline, the equine, and the wombat all failed to take. The only ray of hope in their whole experiment was Steamin’ Stevan Ridley (110 yards, 2 TDs), who’s hairy, stumpy legs thundered through the Saints with ease. The Gnomes are looking deep into their pointed hats for inspiration, and just one more beaker full of genetic material.
The season continues – the top half of the league (all 4-and-2 and higher) is pulling away quickly from the bottom half (all 2-and-4 or worse). Will parity return? And how will nature versus nurture play out from here? Stay tuned…