Round 5 – Results

Here we are, about a third of the way through the fantasy football year already, and the ladder is starting to sort itself out. The Football Gods are smiling on those who have declared their willingness to sacrifice, and those with years of service to small furry animals. For all the others, their fate is still unclear – the Football Gods giveth, and the Football Gods taketh away.

Sacrificial Anodes (116) def Da Gnomes (99)

The Anodes have bounced back from last week’s infamous “Wuthering Heights” debacle by spending the entire week watching “Escape from Navarone”, eating beef jerky, and poking themselves in the eye with a large, Phillips ratcheting screwdriver. You know, tough manly stuff like that. And it worked – Dez “call me Prez” Bryant (141 yards, 2 TDs, FUM) lead the way to the win, proving himself too icky to be touched, let alone tackled, by the defense.  Da Gnomes, who have had trouble finding their shoe-lift inserts all year, were simply overwhelmed by the meat-and-testosterone infused air and collapsed under the weight of their pointy hats. Fred “down the field he sped” Jackson (93 yards, 2 TDs) worked his tiny legs off, but basically only helped to (just) to cover the Yahoo spread. The Gnomes aren’t sure what they need to sacrifice, but it has to be something.

Seasoned Vets (135) def Festivus Miracles (101)

The Seasoned Vets are clocking in the hours, servicing every canine, feline, equine and gerbil in the Tri-State Area. Not afraid to do the dirty work, their ability to neuter, spay, and declaw the opposition is becoming legendary. Using their patented Peyton “slice and dice” Manning device (406 net yards, 5 TDs, INT), the soprano-singing abilities of their opposition has never been stronger, or higher pitched. The Miracles are now left with scar tissue that is not only deep, tender, and unfortunately located, they also have to live with the ignominy of being pushed all the way to the bottom of the ladder. By far their best performance was from the San Fran D-is-for-Desperation (3 INTs, FUM, TD, etc, for 22 points), but only 3 others made it to double-digits.  And in potential proof that the Football Gods have a sense of humor, Michael Vick was sent to the injury list by the Vets… (Too close to the bone?)

Sultans of Suck (108) def Northern Aggression (89)

With this sudden ‘winning’ thing, the Sultans might have to think of a name change soon, or at least some kind of ‘spin’ for their current name. Maybe the Sultans of Sucking the Wind from the Sails of the Other Guy. Or a social outreach program where they convince young people that ‘suck’ should join ‘sick’ and ‘wicked’ to actually mean ‘good’. Then again, with top scorer being their kicker Matt “I play with Peyton” Prater (3 FGs, 6 PATs), it could still be too early to call. Meanwhile, winter is coming early in the north as the Aggression gets cooler, colder, and crappier. After starting off as a juggernaut, they’ve slowly but surely turned into a small wooden skiff with a few 200-count bedsheets as sails. Matt “no-one’s got my back” Ryan (319 yards, 2 TDs, FUM) did his best to keep them on course, but the rest of the team really wanted a nap so they pulled down the scratchy sheets and bundled themselves up into a cocoon. Will they emerge as butterflies, or are they embalmed for the season?

Killer Koalas (91) def El Sereno Chica (78)

After much soul searching and the occasional drinking binge, the Koalas finally figured out that winning was not about playing hard and scoring points. No, the way to win is to sabotage the other guys. In a move deemed more brilliant than the Trojan horse and the elephants-over-the-mountain trick combined, they sent a camouflage jacket and pants to the Chicas with the tag stating ‘to our good friend Tony’. Jamaal “the Prince” Charles (145 yards, TD, FUM) was credited with the idea. The poor, unsuspecting Chicas – always a sucker for a good camo outfit – happily signed for the aforementioned package and, when it came time to pick a QB, they couldn’t see Tony Romo (and his 42 points) ANYWHERE. A 16-point differential in the defense stats (KC DEF, 3 sacks, 2 INT, FUM, TD) kept them from being completely humiliated, but it would be the low score of the round for the bamboozled Chicas. If you listen close you might hear their mother scolding them right now with “don’t take gifts from strangers!”

So, finally, everyone has a win. Let’s see what next week brings…

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