Parity, thy name is GIS… Or some other such Shakespearean reference for “man, there were a lot of close games this week!” Every single matchup was resolved by less than 10 points, proving beyond all doubt that every yard is sacred, every yard is great. If a yard is wasted, the Football Gods crush you like a bug.
El Sereno Chica (146) def Sacrificial Anodes (138)
The Chicas went up against the undefeated Anodes this week in a battle that would ultimately produce the two top scores of the week. After reading Sun Tzu, watching The Warriors, and listening to Bobby McFerrin, they committed themselves fully to the ‘champion team will beat a team of champions’ mantra, and kicked some butt. With Reggie An-AK47-In-The Bush (173 yards, TD) leading the way, only two players failed to reach double-digits. The Sacrificial Anodes had their own set of pre-game routines – they read Wuthering Heights, watched Wuthering Heights, listened to the Soundtrack from the Wuthering Heights, and then fell from Great Heights. Not even the Drew “My parachute shall capture the” Brees (415 yards, 6 TDs) could stop their fall. And this game, it turns out, will be the ‘domination’ of the round.
Da Gnomes (102) def Festivus Miracles (99)
It’s unclear why Da Gnomes’ mascot has a blood-stained beard. Maybe he prefers his steak ‘blue’, like his waistcoat and britches. Maybe he’s an extremely messy raspberry popsicle eater. Or perhaps he just ripped the head off the hopes and dreams of an entire fantasy football team. Regardless of the ‘why’, the fact remains that a whole bunch of little scores – maxed out at 18 for the Denver D (lots of stuff, inc. a TD and a blocked kick) – managed to take down the enemy, like a swarm of bearded piranhas. It was not a Festivus Miracle this week, it was a Festivus Tragedy, as the bottom two scores went head to head in a battle we’ll all soon forget. The Miracles landed one big punch – Darren “uses Sarin gas” Sproles (142 yards, 2 TDs) – but then followed it up with a couple of prissy left jabs to the navel and a half-hearted haymaker that collected only air.
Seasoned Vets (127) def Northern Aggression (126)
The Seasoned Vets claim they are not a one-trick pony. They claim to have many fine tricks, full of nuance and obfuscation. They even go as far as claiming that their list of tricks would make Houdini proud and most politicians jealous. Unfortunately, their Great Peyton-Manning-Trick (327 yards, 4 TDs) says otherwise. Of course, you only need one really good trick to be famous, so maybe they’re on to something… As for the Northern Aggressors, they took their undefeated confidence into battle on the back of a giant warhorse, who promptly went lame and laid down for a quick nap. The valiant attempts of Matt “I keep on Tryin'” Ryan (421 yards, 2 TDS, INT) to lift him back up were in vain – the horse was simply too heavy. If only they’d come riding on a pony instead…
Sultans of Suck (117.98) def Killer Koalas (117.84)
Out on the desert plains, the Sultans lifted their oversized hourglass and carefully counted the sands of time as they streamed through the thin glass opening. Each grain of sand was carefully cataloged and logged into the ledger, including the 140 yards and 2 TDs of Adrian “Justified” Peterson. Meanwhile, back in the forest, a bucket of sand was thrown over the head of the Koalas and, despite a number of vigorous showers and careful use of a rather fine-toothed comb, a few grains of sand were lost forever in his dense, matted back-fur. As a result, and despite a truly magnificent effort by Tony “Here I am” Gonzalez (149 yards, 2 TDs), the Koalas lost by 0.14 points. The Koalas aren’t sure what they did to annoy the universe, but it’s apparently something serious.
Rough week for many of us, though I think we can all agree it was worse for me. On to round 5. There’s always hope, even if there’s no empirical evidence of any kind to suggest you should have it.