Generally speaking, round 3 was a low scoring week for the league, especially in light of the previous few rounds. It feels a bit like a Wednesday – everyone’s too worn out from the crud that went down on Monday/Tuesday to be chipper, but Friday is still too far away to perk them up.
El Sereno Chica (124) def Festivus Miracles (86)
The Chicas don’t always go out but, when they do, they go out in style. I’m talking sequins, 9″ high-heels, a fancy crocodile-leather handbag, and a Jimmy “Shimmy” Graham Tight End (134 yards, 2 YDs). No-one is sure exactly how they hide the 4-foot piece of cast-iron pipe they quietly call the Nether Region Rattler, but it most certainly hits the town to party with them. The Festivus Miracles, meanwhile, went out for a quiet egg-nog and some window shopping at the Dollar Store, and found themselves face-down in a muddy storm sewer wondering what the bloody hell was in that egg-nog. It was left to Michael “I won’t be sick, I won’t be sick” Vick (300 yards, TD, 2 INT, FUM) to get everyone into a cab. He later refused, however, to hose everyone down in the backyard.
Northern Aggression (97) def Da Gnomes (94)
The Battle of The Brothers went down to the wire, with Northern Aggression heading out to an early lead with a particularly ferocious noogie being applied by the Chicago Defense (3 sacks, 2 INTs, 3 fumbles, 2 TDs = 25 points). The rest of the team, however, was unable to pull off even a partial wedgie, thereby leaving the door wide open for a Monday Night Revival… It was not to be, however, with Da Gnomes absolutely astounded when the old water-bucket-over-the-door trick (aka ‘playing the Denver-D against Oakland’) failed to produce the mere seven points needed for the win. Instead, the bucket got stuck on the door jam and all the incredible short-sheeting work from Antonio “Why is your pillow” Brown (196 yards, 2 TDs) was for nothing. We await the rematch eagerly…
Seasoned Vets (95) def Sultans of Suck (93)
The Vets are often faced with wild animals – rabid raccoons, tormented pit-bulls, and the occasional bipolar Chihuahua – so it is no surprise that calmness under pressure comes naturally to them. Despite a particularly lackluster effort from pretty much everyone, in the end they only needed Peyton “Mile High Guy” Manning (372 yards, 3 TDs, FUM) and a well-timed squirrel-grip to take the win. The Sultans, on the other hand, apparently consulted their road map after round 1 and decided that they had come to a fork in the road so they took the one less victorious. With TWO goose-eggs this week – Vernon “hamstring” Davis and Hakeem “just invisible” Nicks – it’s not clear if the Sultans are unlucky or just looking for a nice scrambled breakfast. As per Mr Gump, “it’s probably a little bit of both”.
Sacrificial Anodes (163) def Killer Koalas (108)
Don’t ever tell the Anodes that they got a ‘D’ for anything, especially for their hard fought draft picks. They don’t like that, and what they don’t like quickly turns to rust, dust, and lu… wait, that doesn’t work. Whatever it is they turn the things-they-don’t-like into, you can be certain it’s not something you want happening to you. With four players over 21, including Drew Brees (363 yards, 4 TDs, INT), they even have enough guys to buy beer for the after-party. I’m not sure what it is about the fluffy, cuddly, lazy, good-for-nothing Koalas that makes everyone want to beat them up, but they certainly seem to bring out the pole-axe in people. Their 3rd top score of the round was not enough to ward off a huge 53-point whupping, leaving even Jamaal “Prince” Charles (172 tards, TD) more than a bit confused about why such huge big brown eyes should see nothing but pain and anguish.
In other scary news, Yahoo has improved it’s prediction accuracy to 3-and-1, with only the surprise coming from the hidden cast-iron pipe from the Chicas, which is exactly how they like it.