The second round… where the wheat is separated from the chaff, the gold is sifted from the mud, and the truly talented are lifted above the mediocre. You can come out looking pretty in Round 1, but the makeup comes off in Round 2.
Sacrificial Anodes (125) def Sultans of Suck (90)
Case in point, from afar the Sacrificial Anodes appear to be covered in rust and crumbling a bit at the edges, but rub them down with an oily rag and (apart from the slightly distracting soft sigh of pleasure) you’ll see a team that will do anything to win. An outstanding week from “questionable” Julio-Down-By-The-Schoolyard Jones (182 yards, TD) proves that the rust can be deceiving. As for The Sultans, oh the Sultans, oh the Sultans of Suck… well, at least they can take some comfort that the universe feels like it’s the right way up again. To be fair, there was still plenty of yardage out in the desert sands, but TDs were like finding a quarter-carat diamond in a howling sandstorm. Cam Buffed-within-an-inch-of-his-life Newton (229 yards, 2 TDs) was, in fact, the only TD scorer in the Sultan’s entire team…
Northern Aggression (152) def El Sereno Chica (99)
The Aggressors, with their pretty blue coats and a seemingly endless TD-laden supply train, are in the enviable situation of feasting themselves into a fantasy football scoring stupor. Already well ahead going into Sunday Night Football, they released “Attack at Dawn” Marshawn Lynch (135 yards, 3 TDs) into the fray and it got ugly. Like, Steve-Buscemi, funny-eyes, ugly. As for the El Sereno Chica’s – recently revealed to be a gang of ill-repute – for now they have to live with the sobering fact that their bark is worse than their bite, their graffiti more effective than their muscle, and their tight end (Jimmy Graham-Cracker, 179 yards, TD) is cooler than everyone else on the team.
Da Gnomes (123) def Seasoned Vets (81)
There’s an old saying that’s come down to us from medieval times – “never underestimate an opponent who is shorter than you, he’s got a more direct line of attack at your dangly bits”. Never was this more true as with Da Gnomes and Aaron Rodgers (480 yards, 4 TDs), both of whom certainly know how to hit where it hurts. The Seasoned Vets were forced to watch this round of action through watering eyes, their fall from last week’s incredible top score typified by the 26.1 point drop of Anquan “He must be holding'” Boldin (7 yards). The Vets were spotted yesterday afternoon, purchasing a cup and walking funny.
Festivus Miracles (103) def Killer Koalas (98)
The Miracles, long-time masters of the fantasy football world, once again demonstrated that there are many ways to win your matchup. You can: (a) have a great team of contributors, (b) employ one magnificent beast, or (c) simply play someone really crappy. When you’ve been around as long as Festivus, you can even use combos, like (b)+(c). You start with Michael “he’s kinda quick” Vick (451 yards, 3 TDs), and then let the Koalas do the rest. Because the Killer Koalas foolishly played Maurice “My tendons!” Jones-Drew (28 yards) and Tom “throw it to who?” Brady (185 yards, TD). The Koalas have climbed wearily into the tree-tops and are currently surveying the long drop to the rocks below as curiously welcome.
Round 3 approaches, and it’s worth mentioning that Yahoo has improved it’s predictive abilities to 2-and-2. That’s about the same as spinning a drunk Italian around on his head and asking him which way is up.