Round 1 – Results

Good news – if Yahoo’s robot intelligence is a sign of how the computers are going to take over the world, we’re going to be fine. Not only did the lower end of the draft rankings seriously out-do the upper end, Yahoo was also only got 1-out-of-4 right in the head-to-head battles.  On to actual results…

Sacrificial Anodes (138) def Festivus Miracles (115)

According to “Water Heater Rescue”, most people have never heard of Sacrificial Anodes, even though they have been a key to water heater longevity for decades. It does get chilly up in Canada, so it’s obvious that the Anodes would know that the best way to get LeSean McCoy-about-shrinkage-in-cold-weather (184 yards, YD) scoring big for their team would be to give him a nice hot shower. And, sure, it’s also clear that to have a good Festivus Miracle you need a good Jared “Knows how to” Cook (141 yards, 2 TDs) in the kitchen, but at the end of the day the Anodes just made it too damn warm and steamy for the Festivus to get off the ground.

Seasoned Vets (172) def El Sereno Chica (83)

The seasoning on the Seasoned Vets is one part paprika, one part sage, and forty-three parts jalapeno, as they absolutely blow apart the entire league with a week one score that makes the rest of us, well, drool a little. With all the jalapeno’s, it was Peyton Manning-The-Firehose (462 yards, 7 TDs) that led the way to a domination that will be hard to beat.  As for El Sereno Chica – translated using more self-affirming internet software as “The Tranquil Place Girl” – unfortunately their world was rocked and almost destroyed by the matchup. Particularly effected was David Drop-the-Pill Wilson (19 yards, 2 FUM = -2 points), who might not find next week quite so tranquil.

Sultans of Suck (1540 def Da Gnomes (102)

The Sultans of Suck have long clung to a feeling of being cursed and unfavored by the fickle Football Gods. And, in previous seasons, they’ve been correct to think so. However, with FOUR guys scoring in the 20’s this week, including Adrian “Not good enough for the Gnomes” Peterson (93 yards, 2 TDs), there’s a chance there could be black gold in them-there hills. Meanwhile, the draft board over at Da Gnomes is full of pointed fingers, spilled blood and high-pitched swearing, with only Aaron “Almost won… again” Rogers (333 yards, 3 TDs) allowed to return home for a nap (and quick cry) on his huge pillow.

Northern Aggression (138) def Killer Koalas (108)

The thing about Northern Aggression is that it comes down from New York, dances around the field of battle, catches all the stuff you throw at it, and simply doesn’t care a whole deal about what happens around it.  A lot like the Giant’s WR Victor Cruz (118 yards, 3 TDs). Meanwhile, minding their own business up a gum tree, the Killer Koalas suddenly find themselves flat on the ground with no hero, and no plus-20 scorer, in sight. Maurice Jones-Nancy-Drew (45 yards) was last seen wearing a nice plaid skirt, trying to solve the mystery of where all his fantasy football points went.

On to Round 2, where the Yahoo kiss-of-death (Cyberdyne was not consulted) has been placed on The Sultans, The Aggressors, The Gnomes, and The Koalas.

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