Parity (noun) : the quality or state of being equal or equivalent.
Here are the scores this week: 198, 184, 177, 175, 175, 167. Not only is Roger Goodell deeply proud of the parity he (and he alone) has brought to the GIS league, so too is Justitia (the Roman goddess of Justice), who can’t help but point out that the top three scores were the winners. So pleasurable was this week in GIS fantasy football, Roger Goodell and Justitia reportedly shared a cigarette after MNF.
Da Gnomes 184 v Shawshank Redemption 175
The Gnomes secured their berth in the finals (just three weeks left in the regular fantasy football season) with this 9-point win over the Shanks. Their pickup of Robbie “TDs are my hobby” Griffin the Third (333 yards, 4 TDs INT, FUM) has proven it’s worth over and over again. The margin would have been larger but for the negative-three points provided by a hapless, helpless, hopeless Green Bay Defense, but, hey, Roger wanted some ‘unexpectedness’ sprinkled over his parity… and Roger gets what Roger wants. The Shanks, despite a nationwide record of 40 moves, have slipped to second-last (just out of the playoffs) and will need more performances like the 25-pointer from the New England D (2 sacks, INT, 4 FUMs, 2 TDs) if they want to get into the mix at the end.
Won and Done 198 v Giallorossi 175
The WonAndDoneLanders move a game clear of the central pack with this “flogging of the week” matchup against the Italians. Their old school approach to picking players (eg: rule 7 = must have played college ball while listening to Oasis) shows that there’s a reason why “retro” means “cool”. Key to their success, once again, was Long-in-the-tooth Tommy-Gun Brady (328 yards, 4 TDs). As for the Italians and their garlic clove necklace, well, they’re hanging on to fourth spot by the skin of their Sangiovese grapes. It was a huge week for Cam “Bam-Bam” Newton (358 yards, 4 TDs), but the unexpected double goose-egg from players who were expected to contribute simply could not be overcome.
Killer Koalas 177 v Sultans of Suck 167
This matchup was closer than it looked, with the Koalas big brown eyes occassionally misting over in fear as the Sultans roamed the forests with their huge camels and gleaming scimitars. In the end, though, Matty “do these pants make me look fatty” Stafford (448 yards, 2 TDs) managed to line them up with a low grade dishwasher, and the Sultans were once again crushed into the dirt. As for the Sultans, well, no-one can make a case for this being a season they’d like to remember. Any time a team’s name is changed to incorporate a verb that literally means “make a vacuum” and figuratively means “to be really, really bad”, you know that a mixture of shame, futility, and (I’m just going to say it) self-loathing is involved. I think Tony “why can’t I win one of these damn games” Romo (448 yards, 3 TDS, 2-PNT, 2 INT) knows exactly what I mean.
The season is going fast. Enjoy it (even the losses) while you can.