It’s eleven weeks in and teams are starting to show their age. Scores that would have been laughed out of the park a few months ago are now boastfully repeated in the hallway. Teams that used to say “teamwork will win it” now simply point to someone and say “just give the ball to that guy”. Of course, even when scores are low, someone still has to win…
Giallarossi 218 v Shawshank redemption 161
The Italian Stallions are back – nostrils full of steaming hot horse-breath and clattering hooves that send sparks flying off into the darkness around them – they are this week’s only team who can truly stand tall, proud and beligerent. At the forefront, his under-chin hair flowing merrily in the breeze, was Andre “I’m in no quandary” Johnson (273 yards, TD), though it’s worth noting that the 40-odd points from the Double Tight End combo meant the stallions looked verile from the front and from the rear. As for the Sure-Wish-I-Played-Someone-Else Shanks-Very-Much, well, they scored in the general range of the rest of the field… but were made to look rather ordinary. Sure, Drew-A-Picture-Of-Mom Brees (219 yards, 3 TDs) was surgical in his game, but with their top-scorer (the Patriots’ DEF) on the bench, and their top-scorer being a DEF, they were never in the hunt.
Da Gnomes 168 v Sultans of Suck 134
Winning ugly leads to three things – (1) inevitable discussion about whether or not the team ‘deserved’ it; (2) a self-inspection in the mirror of shame; and (3) points on the board. Not a sportsman alive would turn down an ugly win, which is why even the most pimple-faced, buck-toothed, hump-backed, cross-eyed “win” is still deeply embraced. Instead of the flaws, focus switches to the one ‘good feature’ – perhaps like a Robert Griffin Three-Feet-Of-Flowing-Hair (284 yards, 3 TDs). Sadly, the flip side to winning ugly is losing uglier. This is where you have 1-point on the bench (seriously, 1 point from 8 players); your combined points from 2 kickers beat the points from your 5 WRs; and your top score is an OK performance from the Baltimore Def (3 sacks, INT, 2 FUM, TD) … It’s the time when your name – The Sultans of Suck – leaves reporters with nowhere to go… because you are already there.
Killer Koalas 175 v Won and Done 158
No one would ever dare call The Koalas ‘ugly’. Sure, some other terms might apply – like flea-ridden, or mangy, or perhaps even “a bit slow on the uptake” – but they still seem to know how to put themselves together for a night out on the town. Despite leaving their top scorer (Handy-Dandy-Andy Dalton) on the bench, enough of the rest of the team came through to get the second-highest score of a very mediocre week and, for the first time, Dez-Dispenser Bryant (145 yards, TD) gets bragging rights as Top Bear (slash Marsupial). As for the Won-Flew-Over-The-Cuckoos-Nesters, they’ve perfected their knack for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Their QB’s both outscored the Dez-Dispenser, but not even the mecurial Tom “Dropping the Bomb” Brady (331 yards, 3 TDs) could lift the rest of the team to victory.
Apologies for the small delay-of-game for this post. I have already fined myself three gum-leaves and a nap. Yes, it’s made me cranky.