Round 9 – Results

Match.com would be proud.  Each team sought out the other team that it had the most in common with, and we’ve ended up with the ultimate hand-holding round -> the top score played the second-top score, third played fourth, and fifth played six.  The interesting thing about this mathematical symmetry is that only 1-out-of 3 pairings (the middle one) provided a “just” result, with an undeserving loser in the top pairing, and an undeserving winner in the lower pairing.  What this says about modern dating methods, I don’t know…

Shawshank Redemption 147 v Sultans of Suck 115

In this battle of the lowest pairing, you could make an argument that not only do these two teams still live at home with their parents, they also drink too much on Tuesday nights, rarely wash their hair, and have some noticeable dental problems. At least the Redeemers have a casual job collecting debts door-to-door, which – together with Mikel “Kalashnikov” Leshoure (70 yards, 3 TDs) – was enough to get them the win. As for the Sultans, their hunched back, club foot, and numerous other medieval maladies were simply too much for Brandon “sparkling conversationalist” Marshall (122 yards, 3 TDs) to overcome.

Won and Done 216 v Da Gnomes 212

When the monsters fight, it’s justice at work and people rarely care about the cost.  When the beautiful people fight, the sense of wastefulness is palpable, and it’s pay-per-view. The Won’n’Dones – all pimped out in their fine Yves St Laurent pin-striped suit, degree from (insert favorite Ivy-covered university here), flashy Audi convertible, and glowing flowing shiny locks of hair – simply refused to be beaten. With 4 players flashing twenties – and the top scorer being the entire Chicago defense (2 sacks, INT, 4 FUM REC, 2 TDs, blocked kick, and a partridge in a pear tree) – they simply had (just) too much… suaveness… to lose. As for the Gnomes, sure, they wore Gucci, drove a BMW, rolled in fig leaves, and had a shiny glossy coat, but someone had to lose… and they did insist on wearing the red pointy hat at dinner… so… Adrian “let me get the tab” Peterson (193 yards, 2 TDs) has to learn to live with disappointment.

Giallorossi 193 v Killer Koalas 173

The middle matchup, one that was still up for grabs on MNF, shows that when you’re “kind of OK” and “in the bell curve” in regards to your appearance, to truly succeed in the dating world it’s not the full package that matters – you have to have that “one thing” that’s irresistible. For Trump, it’s the can-it-be-real hair. For Paris, it’s the my-surname-is-where-we’ll-sleep-tonight factor. For the Italians, it was Doug “it’s real and it’s spectacular” Martin (273 yard, 4 TDs, for 51.2 points).  The Koalas were unfortunate in timing – not only was their coat matted from a recent flea treatment, they had also left their lucky 4-leafed eucalyptus clover back in the tree. As usual, Aaron “the Baron” Rodgers (251 yards, 4 TDs) did his best to be debonair, but let’s face it, he ain’t no Tom Brady.

The good thing about dating is that you’re only one sleepless night in a moth-riddled bed away from finding Mr Right, so next week holds hope for all and sundry. [BTW, out of fear of thinking about ‘pregnant chads’ and running with it, any mention of today’s election was scrupulously avoided in this post].

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