Injuries and byes are starting to take a toll, and this week has the dubious distinction of having the lowest high-score of the season thus far. When every point is sacred, and every point is great, if a point is wasted, the Football Gods get quite irate…
Won and Done 209 v Shawshank Redemption 199
The Won’n’Dones are quickly proving themselves to be the league’s Rabbit of Caerbannog – their nasty, big, pointy teeth and vicious streak a mile wide has come to the fore. (A photo of this week’s battle was captured below). Their latest victim – Sir Shaw of the Shank, and his unfortunate speech impediment – can only rue what might have been. The Won’n’Dones had many contributors but the shiniest tooth of them all was the Chicago “Papa Bear” Defense (3 sacks, 2 INT, FUM, 2 TDs). The Good Knight and Sleep Tight Shanks were devastated by Byes and there just wasn’t enough support on the flanks for Marques-de-Sade Colston (131 yards, 3 TDs).
Sultans of Suck (nee Fury) 181 v Giallorossi 137
Next up, the Sultans who say Nee… and their shrubbery. A name change has rarely been this effective (or handy for the reporter, given the Pythonesque theme of the week), so I will never understimate the power of saying “nee” in a repetitive and high-pitched manner ever again. The Big Sultan on Campus this week was Ahmad “candy store” Bradshaw (229 yards, TD, FUM), who happily carried the team despite an injured starting QB and 6 (SIX!) guys on byes. To say the Italian Cream Puff Deserts were unlucky to lose would be a gross exaggeration (and an insult to unlucky teams everywhere). Only Eli “key-lime pie” Manning (258 yards, 3 TDS, INT) can hold his head high.
Killer Koalas 174 v Da Gnomes 138
The Koalas of Up High (close relatives of the Rabbit) use their soft furry exteriors to lure the opposition in close… and then politely enquire “what’s the average airspeed velocity of an unladen Kelvinator 1000?” As they ponder this very difficult problem – was it manufactured in Korea or Taiwan? – that self-same Kelvinator 1000 lands squarely on their head. Nice. Once more it was Aaron “no dodgin'” Rodgers (300 yards, 3 TDs, INT) who did the lion’s share of the work. Meanwhile, the suddenly-even-shorter-than-usual Gnomes somehow found a way to score a full 70 points under their predicted total. Arian Foster-its-Australian-for-crap-beer (168 yards, TD) did his bit, but overall it has to be said that the Gnomes’ mother was a hamster and their father smelt of elderberries. Sometimes these things happen.
Moving onward to Round 6. If the above quotes meant nothing to you then I’m afraid you have to hand in your man card. Sorry, it’s the law.