This week was a bit like watching Jaws trawl the waters during Geriatric Water Aerobics Week in Florida – sure, there’s some blood and some screaming, but there’s actually very little suspense involved.
Da Gnomes 187 v Giallorossi 152
It was a slower scoring week, and Da Gnomes basically just idled the 6.7L engine of their 1968 Chevy Impala LowRider – the premier vehicle choice of football gnomes around the nation – as they cruised through this matchup. With Robert “there’s two more just like me” Griffin III (306 total yards, 2 TDs, INT) boldly waving at all the chicky-babes out the front passenger window, the Gnomes were happy just to bask in the glory of looking fine. Giallarossi, on the other hand, attempted to “bring it” on a congo line of Vespas. Maurice Jones-Drew-The-Short-Straw (193 yards, TD) tried to look cool up front, but even he was just a bit uncomfortable riding a bike with the suspension scraping the road.
Won and Done 187 v Da Fury 136
Now that the Won-and-Done’s have acheived their grand ambition of winning a single game, it’s unclear if they will pack up their bongos and head home or if this week’s second-highest scorer will party on next week. With AJ “my cousin is Celo” Green (194 yards, TD) having a nice week, one can only assume that they’ll be stomping their feet and slapping their palms against the drumskins real soon. As for the poor old, tone-deaf, two-left-footed, outdated hair style, lacklustre Furies… not only did they leave an embarrassing number of points at home in their jacket pockets, they also had two players whose first number on their score was zero. Only Ray “thawing the ice” Rice (150 yards, TD) showed any skills on the dance-floor. (He left at the end of the night pretending to be with someone else).
Shawshank Redemption 226 v Killer Koalas 148
Word on the street is that the Shawshanks spent the greater part of their preparation for this week’s matchup hanging out at a Bass Pro Shop. These rumors must surely be true, as they walzed in to the forest dressed in their finest lumberjack red-and-blue plaid… armed with a bevy of 20-inch two-stroke chainsaws. In next to no time, the forest was coming down and “There she faaaalls” Jamaal Charles (288 yards, TD) was grinning like a banshee. Around him, Koalas were falling from the sky – their soft pudgy bodies battered and bruised as they landed. No-one felt sorry for them, not even the pudgiest of them all – Mike “full of solace” Wallace (124 yards, TD).
Another week down, many more to come. May your Impala run strong, your bongos beat loud, and the smell of your two-stroke inspire fear.