2012 Season – Round 1

We’re back and, like George Clooney at a cocktail party, we’re scoring more than ever!

Sure, it’s mostly because draft day included more choices than Baskin Robbins and everyone ended up with about 40 players, but it still feels good to see the lowest score of the round at 158. It’s even better to see that score matched up against your own, but more about that later.  

First, the sad story of the week, where the second-top score is beaten by the top… 

Da Gnomes (225) def Da Fury (199)

Da Gnomes – the short guys from Brooklyn – have set the bar early with a monster week. No fewer than 10 players (out of 17) scored in double digits, with the standout player indisputably being Matt-the-Jungle-Cat Ryan, who totally carved up a hapless Chiefs team with 324 total yards and 4 TDs. At the receiving end of the tire iron was Da Fury, who not only suffered the indignity of having their 199 points swatted aside with barely a thought, also had to face the fact that they are no longer the big “Da” on tour. Tony “I have a bony” Romo (319 yards, 3 TDs) top scored for the little Da’s.  

Next, the nailbiter of the round…

Shawshank Redemption (173.08) def Giallorossi (172.74)

You know you have a tight game when the scores are over 170 and you STILL have to show the scores to the hundreths of a point to show who won. The exact difference was 0.34 points, or just over three yards of rushing (ie: one carry). In a battle probably best described as a prison courtyard gang fight for control of the basketball court, the Redeemers brought the bigger shank – Drew “swinging in the” Brees (339 yards, 3 TDs, 2 INT) – and left the unlucky Italian Mafia bleedingon the asphalt with their number one score coming from the Jets defense (3 INT, FUM, 2 TD).

And finally, the undeserving winner of the round.

Killer Koalas (171) def Won and Done (159)

If there’s a title you want – biggest Da, biggest shank, or luckiest bastard – I think we can all agree that the latter is the one to have. The Killer Koalas – the second-most sleepiest animal on the planet (after the much-maligned sloth) – knew when to turn it on and simply dropped a refridgerator on their competition from high amongst the gum leaves. They barely opened a sleepy eye. Aaron “stainless-steel with the frost-free option” Rodgers (330 yards, 2 TDs, INT) was the weapon of choice, neatly crushing Won-and-Done’s tin-foil umbrella and their lead guy – Julio “down by the school yard” Jones (108 yards, 2 TDs). 

On to Round 2!


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