Week 5 – Results

The Italian Stallions love the role of the dark horse, and they’ve quietly won five in a row to remain the league’s only unbeaten team.  Meanwhile, back in the swamp, the Rubber Duckies have deflated even further (they’re almost inverted in on themselves) and sink to 0-and-5. The only good news -> at least ONE Weatherbie won this week – they were a combined 0-and-8 as of last week, now they move to the much more respectable 1-and-9…

#1: It’s been rumored that the Celts would build stonehenges in their backyard to help foretell the future. This is, of course, complete malarkey. In fact, they usually just dropped big stones (like LeSean McCoy – 107 yards, TD) on the heads of their enemies and then used the protruding blocks for picnics on weekends.  And how convenient it must have been to use a rock on the Plymouth Rocks. [Portland Celtic FC 93, Plymouth Rocks 69]

#2: There are two ways to guarantee a win – get the highest score of the season, or go head-to-head with someone who pulls in the lowest score of the season. The AMacAttacks – and Fred Jackson, 196 yards, TD – played strong, but it turned out that they could have phoned in the win. Fate, it seems, had already decided that one of the greatest football minds of our generation was to tarred, feathered, humbled, jumbled, blamed and shamed to a record low score. [The AMac 81, Festivus Miracles 36]

#3: The Cancer Attitude was in full force again this week – 4 guys contributing a combined 3 points – but, unfortunately for their grand vision of team implosion, there were 4 other guys who insisted on getting more than 20 points each. With players like BenJarvusMaximus Green-Curry-Ellis getting 149 yards and 2 TDs, it’s clear that the Cancers need to work on their team goals a bit more. The muddled team message certainly confused the All-Stars, and they accidentally added a “Sm” to the start of their team name. [Clubhouse Cancers 99, JR All Stars 57]

#4: Green is the key -> Geckos are green, the game is played on green grass-like surfaces, Aaron Rodgers (396 yards, 2 TDs) wears green socks, and right now the Smiling Eyeball Lickers are simply ROLLING in the green.  After losing the first match of the season, they’re on a 4-game winning streak and the Ants were simply left behind in the (brown) dust. [The Geckos 78, The Ants Marching 66]

#5: Big Ben struck five on Sunday (228 yards, 5 TDs, INT), making the Queue (as an autonomous collective) very happy.  However, the commotion also caused a certain glass-slippered duck hunter to fall, twist their ankle, shatter their shoes into a thousand razor-sharp shards, and sink the very vessel they were about to set sail within. The Queue laughed. As an automous collective. [Queues Likely 120, Get the Duck Boats Ready 56]

#6: It took a very long time but it seems the Saints have finally emerged from their meditation cave on Mt Snoozefest. It also appears that they – and Cam Wham Bam Newton (251 yards, 3 TDs, INT) – like what they see.  Yes, the view contains nothing but a whimpering Fury – 4 players contributing a single combined point – and, frankly, it makes the Saints feel better about themselves. It might not be a saintly feeling, but it is honest, and honest is good. [Saints saints 89, Da Fury 53]

#7: Despite over half of the league having more offensive points than them, the Italians have proven once again that winning is all about timing… and the prudent use of busty statuettes to distract opponents. Surely it can’t be a coincidence that Dwayne Bowe’s (128 yards, 2 TDs) middle name is “Lorenzo”. As for the luckless Glitters, well, they sure ain’t gold this week. [Giallorossi 76, Big Neon Glitter 72]

#8: The Ockies pulled several tentacles out of their butts and proved that maybe, just maybe, they could be contenda’s once again. It helped that Number One Draft Pick Adrian Peterson (122 yards, 3 TDs) had a blinder, and that the Gnomes had 5 guys on byes and couldn’t field a full team. While a win is a win, the Ockies can’t help but ponder that the option to “roll over some points” would be rather handy right now. [Blue-ringed Ockies 97, Nittany Gnomes 47]

Team of the Week: Queues Likely (120)

Unofficial Team Motto: Please make an orderly line behind us and shut the hell up.


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